December 21, 2018 at 9:27 pm #105803
I am part of the boomerang generation. I spent ten wonderful years in my 20s on my own and moved back to my parents house in my early 30s. Been here now for six years and trying to get a stable job. But here is my frustration.
When I was on my own, I set up my environment the way I needed it too. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 25 and had the freedom to shut off distractions, not answer my phone when I got off work, and give myself a chance to just shut down before cranking up the stimulation again.
I actually didn’t realize this is common in ADHD brains… Until I moved back home and realized just how much distraction my parent’s house shakes with (not always metaphorically either.. sometimes quite literal). I try and sit down with them to talk about it, but I end up fighting two mid-seventies adults who have always lived like “this,” and raised me like, “this.” For six years, I walk into the house, remind my mom that asking me right away how may day went is not going to solicit a conversation with me, and to please just give me space. I try to explain that it is just how my brain works, and asking if I am ok, or if I need something, or if I have eaten a snack yet, or ETC is not helping. Her response is, “Your my baby. I have to ask.”
I have hit the tipping point. Feel as though I have become an ungrateful daughter for them letting me move back with very little monetary contribution, but I am a constant two centimeters from the edge from the momment my key turns the lock and my mom pulls the door open before I can pull my key out and turn the knob. It is instantaneous wave of loving and caring questions that I just haven’t had a chance to adjust my brain to receive them.
Please, how do I communicate that questions during my transitional time is actually not a productive way to interact with me, that I don’t plan two weeks in advanced unless reservations or tickets were involved (and even that is difficult to put on the calendar at times), and all the other ADHD brain’s bells and whistles when they weren’t involved in my diagnosis, when their reactions are identical to techniques and responses they tried using with me as a child, and the overall sense that I am being humored when I try to explain anything to them. They remember what I was like as a child… They know the symptoms because they tried to discipline me growing up, and they now know the diagnosis with plenty of scientific research articles, personal conversations, and (at first) mature attempts to find a compromise in our shared spaces. Trying to talk to them about how their failed attempts at soliciting what they need from me could benefit from adjustments so that I can offer valid contribution is like talking to a brick wall trying to explain why it built itself to the wrong side of a building.
They are treating me like I am that child with constant emotional mood swings and I have shattered into pieces and fallen back into that mode. I don’t want to be ungrateful, I love my parents so very much. But I need them to observe my mood and respect my space so I am not constantly replacing the break pads on my impulsive outbursts trying to reign myself in. Does anyone have any articles on ADHD transition times? Articles explaining over stimulation like excessive questioning during transitional times? Anything that can help holster my mental health back into mature adult control and educate my loving (but edging on dismissive) parents?
- This topic was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Inkpool. Reason: Spelling mistakes
December 26, 2018 at 10:15 am #105860Penny WilliamsKeymaster
This is a delicate situation. Your parents obviously care for you very much. Despite being an adult, you’re still their child — that’s a tough transition to make for a parent (my daughter is about to turn 20 and I find myself still answering for her at the doctor, still constantly asking if she’s ok, etc… but I’m being mindful of it and trying to make the shift to treating her like an adult).
It sounds like you’ve already explained to them that you need a bit of time to decompress before interacting with them.
This article touches on the brain fatigue experienced after work:
ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Trainer & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism
December 26, 2018 at 8:05 pm #105905
Thank you Penny! Any and all resources for myself or my parents to refer too are very much appreciated!
December 28, 2018 at 11:59 am #105956strwbryParticipant
If your parents are in their seventies, it may be hard for them to change. But that doesn’t negate your need to take care of yourself. Living with parents can be difficult as an adult because you KNOW what works for you, and they don’t understand. Plus, they like you being there and want ALL of your attention because it’s nice having you around and being a family again.
Often, when I come home, I transition in my car. I know my husband will want to talk to me when I walk in the door, so I sit in the car for 15-20 minutes and play on my phone. Even when my husband isn’t home I transition in my car some times. That down time just helps me close the book on whatever I was doing and prepare to open the “home” book. Maybe you could create a new space for decompressing from the day before seeing Mom. The car thing works for me. Maybe going for a walk around the block before going inside or stopping at the gym or a coffee shop otwh? Maybe bring a book or journal to a park? For me, I just need to turn my brain off. As long as no one is talking to me or I have headphones on, 20 minutes on my computer in public is just as good as 20 minutes in my room.
If she has a million questions for you when you walk in the door, you could try calling her in the afternoon or before you leave work. I do this with my husband sometimes, since I can’t be on my phone often at work. Before I leave, I’ll call him and discuss family business, things that need to get done, scheduling, etc. so that when I walk in the door all of that is done and we can just enjoy being together. Maybe that could help with your mom?
You’ve talked to your mom about what you need for your brain, but she needs things from you too. She sounds like she’s super excited to see you when you come home. Maybe you could tell her that you can’t have a big conversation as soon as you walk in the door, but can give her a big hug and a smile and you promise to come back in 30 minutes to chat and help with dinner? Or share a cup of coffee or something? If she knows that she will be able to have that time with you, it’ll be easier for her to let go of when. She’s not giving up that moment with you, she’s just rescheduling it. I think people have an easier time of adjusting their expectations when they don’t feel like they have to give up those expectations completely.
As for the planning two weeks in advance thing, my mother in law does that, and I never know what I’ve scheduled or agreed to. Maybe keeping a family calendar near the door could help y’all plan stuff together. Also, if you feel like their plans are monopolizing your personal/social time, you could ask them to limit the number of family events per week to one or two.
It takes a lot of patience and understanding to make it work. I find that asking questions and trying to understand where they’re coming from helps me to know why they are the way they are. Then, it’s easier to figure out how to get what I need from them (in this case, transition time) without burdening them with all of the weight of the change.
Lastly, you’re not an ungrateful daughter. Being an adult and living with parents is naturally stressful. They expect you to behave like their child and conform to their ways of doing things while you hope to exist more as roommates/equals. You’ve developed your own ways of doing things and expect them to respect your autonomy and boundaries. But they don’t understand. It’s a fickle situation, but if both sides are willing to give in a little and adjust, it can get better. 🙂
Best of luck to you! <3
January 7, 2019 at 9:27 am #106271Mark FreedmanParticipant
Great answer, Strwbry! Taking time in your car (parked — driving is too stressful), or even stopping at a Starbucks or similar for 30 minutes or so before arriving at home can help a lot. I even have this issue after coming home from shopping or being with other people. I’ll even hide in the bathroom for a while just to decompress.
I feel the same right after waking up in the morning. I can’t deal with conversation right away. So I get up much earlier than anyone else, so by the time anyone else wakes up, I’m already transitioned.
December 29, 2018 at 6:57 pm #105985
for this additional perspective. It actually helped to take a step back and re-evaluate the whole picture.
You are absolutely correct; both my parents just want something reciprocated that will validate my appreciation and love for them. I like the idea of giving my mom a promise to converse at a certain time. I think she will respond to this. I already asked her if she wants to have a cup of coffee with me later. I let her choose the time and am promising myself to not indulge anything that will monopolize my focus.
When I first moved home, I was prepared for my parents tendencies, and took every mature route I was able to glean from my resources: looking to discuss (not argue), listening and offering compromise, explaining, responding to their ‘what’ and ‘why’ questions with personal, open book experiences and other resources. They received it (though with more limits than I liked), but the behavior didn’t change. And then I crawled into the emotional mess that I am now working through. I recognize that because I tried “everything” I had, doesn’t mean there isn’t anything left to add to my list, which is why I am reaching out to others.
I have been at this current job for two years now, still looking for something more appropriate to my skills and nature as well as applying to grad school. This job is a struggle though, and is the MOST UN-STIMULATING work I have done in a long time. I am constantly overcompensating for skills lacking in focusing on details, linear thinking, extended periods of sitting, and not being allowed to choose when I take my breaks. Meds do help ALOT; I know from past experiences that I would never get through this without them. But, after eight hours of this, I am typically leaving pissed off, feeling like my brain synapses have disconnected and dulled.
At times, I am self-aware enough to evaluate why I am angry. But, I have a hard time calming down, knowing I am not actually directly angry at anything, except for my situation. Also, my transition time seems to be even longer than previous jobs in which my skills were actually exercised, appropriately challenged, and appreciated.
(Just writing this down, I think maybe I will try putting a sticker on my steering wheel in the shape of a stop sign? Maybe that will remind me to use some calm breathing techniques as soon as I get behind the wheel…)
I have actually tried transitioning in the car, whose engine calls our dog to the door barking with excitement, which alerts my mother I’m outside, which prompts her to stand there waiting for me to come into the house. Just out of curiosity, I waited her out to see how long she would stand there. At six minutes, she called me asking what I was doing in the car. I told her I was taking care of a few things and to please stop waiting.
She wanted to know if I needed help.
I walked in the house without my impulsive breaks locked in gear, and yelled at her to, “stop hovering. Just because I am in the car for an extended period doesn’t mean there is a disaster.” Total fail on my part, resulting in me mentally slapping myself for not exhibiting a mature response, further validating to my parents that I am still emotionally immature. My dad further yelled at me for yelling at my mom… Don’t blame him for “disciplining;” I would have been upset if I were the parent… But I NEEED to break this cycle of hovering and yelling.
I tried transitioning in the car at work and in the mall (maybe the above mentioned sticker will be a jumping point rather than transitioning without a prompt?). Seemed to be working for a while, but my mom started calling in panic mode and asking why I didn’t come home on time. This lead to a conversation of me being an adult, that when I lived on my own for ten years, during which time, she didn’t always know where I was. And just because I moved home does not mean I have signed over my rights to personal space and independence. This conversation actually had a positive affect for a long time, compromising with her that I would call if I was going to be more than an hour late than usual. But she has slipped many times, which prompted me to offer a few reminders. But it became frequent enough that reminders no longer mediated the behavior, and I also digressed.
I just need the interim between turning off one switch (which is powering a dulled, nearly burnt out, cracked, and jagged light bulb) and then flipping on the other one (which is often too bright and won’t shut off at a descent hour.) The indulgence of my parents during the in-between time where one bulb is turning off and the next is turning on is disorienting… Like the two switches are powered at the same time. Ability to receive mental stimulation is overloaded and is also paired with emotional disregulation.
In hindsight, I am the most impulsive during this overlap. In time, I started to notice that I have a harder time shutting off at night and am more intensely angry and (insert you favorite negative emotion here) for longer periods than when I arrive home to an empty house. Which I think is most likely due to the fact that my metaphorical bulbs are pulsing out of sync with each other while also trying to dominate the overlapped time.
Alright, was not expecting to write a novel size rant. Thanks for reading all the way through. If anyone has anything to offer in relation to anything they read, it will be appreciated.
As all I seem to do is complain, please recognize that I do love and appreciate my parents very much. My goal is not to alienate myself from them. I need more tools to give my parents something more to relate to, as well as change my reactions; which in turn will most likely be the starting point for my parents to change theirs.
December 30, 2018 at 11:51 am #106011strwbryParticipant
Inkpool, glad to have helped. 🙂
I too come home angry from work most days. My poor hubs doesn’t understand that I’m not mad at him, I’m just grouchy from being around too many people and too much stumulation. (I’m a server and in grad school.) I remind him, and he’ll give me space. But I have to reassure him that I love him and I love hanging out with him, but that he doesn’t want to press me for attention right then. When I come home from work, I’m just agitated, and an interaction will result in either me suppressing that emotion until it bursts out somewhere else or just dumping my work stress on him. Neither of which are beneficial to either of us or our relationship. After an hour or so, I’m more relaxed and ready to smile and chat, but I usually don’t want to talk about my day just yet. It takes me a little longer than that to process.
Have you tried exercising after work? If you tell your mom you’re planning to exercise for 30 min-an hour after work to get healthy, she’ll be expecting the delay, and it may give your body a chance to deal with the stress, which may in turn, help clear your mind. A psychologist once told me that exercise is like a bath for your brain, which may help with the lack of stimulation at work. My favorite is yoga. Any time I’m angry, if I do yoga for 30 minutes, the strength combined with the breathing calms me down. I have a classs that I go to, but I also like yoga with adrien on youtube.
Best of luck to you, friend! 🙂
January 1, 2019 at 7:27 pm #106052damnmouseParticipant
I sometimes push friends and lovers away because I have no more… uh… not sure what to call it. Resistance to stimulation? There’s no more bark on the tree, tread on the tires, ect. I have tons of energy but if you ask me how I’m doing that question is so perplexing. Like I know it’s meant to be polite but it makes me ask myself how I’m doing and I *hate* that. It’s hard to set boundaries with people you really love and need to be grateful to.
I have the luck of living on my own so I can just ignore people or interact with them on my terms, like via instant messenger or whatever. Sometimes I get around talking to somebody by saying “Oh, the usual. Going to go for a walk (or do X) for a while. Can we catch up afterward?” Then add a “thanks, love you!” after they acknowledge you if that assures the person you’re not mad at them.
January 1, 2019 at 8:46 pm #106061ChukParticipant
Inkpool et al:
(this is my first post !! weeee)
Actually this is a common issue and not just with ADD/ADHD people!!! The transition from ‘work’ (or school) to ‘home’ is something that sometimes takes some navigating. I learned this 30 years ago when my DD was just a toddler, and I picked her up at daycare after my day was over. (she was in a home daycare, with a wonderful person, named Deb)
We would get home and I would want to start getting dinner ready before my wife got home. I would be stressed about that, toddler DD wanted Dad time, wife would get home and I’d be frazzled!! ARRRRGHHGHH!!!!!
I talked to Deb about it; she called it The Arsenic Hour. Transitioning from one mode to another. Lots of families have trouble in that time. It’s when blow-ups happen, words get said that aren’t meant, etc.
Our solution was simple: I’d pick up DD at daycare, go home and then we’d spend a few minutes with just each other – playing on the floor, reading a book, whatever. Just some time together. After a few minutes, she was involved by herself, I could separate long enough to start dinner, wife would come home, I’d be happy, DD happy, everyone wins!!!
The important part was actively managing that transition period. In ours, DD needed me right away upon getting home, more so than I needed to get dinner started.
Inkpool, sounds like you’re well on the way to solving this. Part of this is to let you know that this problem is VERY common, it isn’t really the result of ADD/ADHD (tho that can add an extra bit to it!!).
January 7, 2019 at 10:27 am #106294rowanParticipant
In my experience, the combination of ADD and being an introvert, means that i need time to defrag, process, and file all the daily stimuli that i take in.
this comes across as being withdrawn, or being ‘otherwise’
but to explain this to parents can be difficult.
January 7, 2019 at 11:24 am #106312lseattxParticipant
This isn’t really about downtime after work is it? Time for a dose of reality. This seems to be about a 40 year old back living with parents (for 6 years!)and not pulling your weight. You are not boomerang but instead failure to launch.
Do more to help your parents and get out on your own. They are tired of doing it all for you.
January 7, 2019 at 1:06 pm #106325kabandParticipant
lseattx is on the money.
January 7, 2019 at 4:53 pm #106352keliemmParticipant
Just read through all posts here… I believe I can relate to being on both sides of this situation and appreciate all perspectives offered.
Before going further with this, I would like to ask that everyone here be compassionate and understanding. Please do not presume to know *everything* about a poster’s situation and make judgments about them as a person. Insulting one another is not necessary or helpful.
For this particular situation, I’d also like to offer that there are SEVERAL healthy and legitimate reasons for an adult to move back in with parents, ailing parents being the primary and most common reason. Whatever the reason inkpool has returned home, that is not the topic of this post thread.
With that said, may I please also ask for advice? I need help getting my ADHD family members to allow me the downtime I need.
I believe I am living with a husband and stepson who have ADHD with co-occurring conditions. Though neither have been diagnosed, husband is self-declared and stepson is currently in the evaluation process with his pediatrician and therapist. I also have a biological child who has been diagnosed with anxiety disorder and has begun the evaluation process for ADHD, and we have three other children as well. With the mix of personalities going on in our home, the transition time required for any of us seems impossible. Though I’ve verbalized the need for what I call defrag time when I get home (think of a computer sorting out its cache after beginning to show signs of processing delay and errors), I find that reasonable accommodations can not be made beyond waiting 10 minutes to ask me about my day or to asking me to help with homework, dinner, the baby, “mom, watch me do this,” you name it. 30 minutes or an hour to myself seems impossible, be it after work or on the weekend, and I actually don’t feel justified in taking that time to myself knowing my husband feels overwhelmed much easier than I do and thinking I need to relieve him as soon as possible from the work it takes to be a home maker – I know how his days are going because I’ve done what he’s doing and we switched for financial reasons. HOWEVER, I find that I accommodate my family members in an attempt to assist them with emotional regulation because they need it or else and I am in danger of burnout and blow up!
How do I successfully communicate with them that I need this important processing and self-care time as well? Conveying to my family (husband in particular) what I have included in this post has not produced results. The response I get is usually guilt-laden and I find it easier to continue with supplying the family with relief than the argument that potentially ensues regarding priorities and personal need.
Any suggestions are welcome! Personal experiences or links to info, whatever you’ve got, and I appreciate you for reading through this and giving it some thought =)
January 7, 2019 at 6:07 pm #106361BertParticipant
I was going to suggest exercise, too. Stop and go for a walk, go swim, throw rocks in a lake or river. Shoot hoops at a gym. And if that doesn’t help, when you get home, kiss your mom on the cheek and tell her you’ll be back to talk in 15 minutes. She might not ever get WHY you do, so skip the explaining and just go to your room. Politely. Actually, now that I think back, after I moved back in, I’d often call to see if Mom needed me to pick up anything on my way home. That allowed her to hear my voice and be reassured that I’m okay/tired and might need a rest/am going to go for a little exercise, so not-to-worry.
January 8, 2019 at 12:33 am #106376ASpringParticipant
Inkpool, Thank you SO much for writing. I can’t tell you how encouraging it was to read this and know that I’m not alone with my struggles!! I didn’t somehow know about “transition” time, but it is a true battle that was so enlightening to see verbalized and fought for. I face this all the time, and notice myself looking for errands to do after work almost, in order to delay coming home to Many more demands and responsibilities. When I’ve brought my need for “chill time” up to my spouse, it’s received with hurt and I find myself easily having to fight with guilt.
As for interacting-closely- as an adult with parents, I SO hear you there too. Man, I have compassion for you because my husband and I lived our first year of marriage with my parents due to finances, and even now we still live within 10 miles of them. Relationships with parents, no matter how wonderful they are, can be Really complicated and full of emotions triggers, for me at least. However, I can see very clearly that you have a great heart for them, that you appreciate them, and you’re trying everything to be fair, kind, and to find a way to make it so that your interactions are as wonderful as possible. For people like us, we have to find a functional way to create enough personal time so that our family time is the best it can be; maybe looking at it that way will help us all too. I find myself feeling somewhat anxious if I let my husband know when I’m supposed to get off work; I LOVE spending time with him, too! But my work is really hard to leave on time, and the thought of giving EVERYTHING I have, including extra time at work, then coming home to excited and ailing loved ones Right away is…a very unrestful thought to say the least. Would it be helpful, possibly, for you to tell your mom around what time she should expect you home, which could have a built-in 2 hours, 1 hour, or a half-hour delay from when your shift ends? I’m not good with arguing, confrontation, setting boundaries or saying no; I’ve still got a Lot of personal growth to do. Whew. Thanks though, for putting a spot-light on an issue I’ve been havings a hard time dealing with, without cognitively putting it all together myself. Maybe now I’ll be wiser when it comes to NOT falling into more 2 hour shopping/coupon-ing trap-trips after work, which of course sort-of accomplishes a task, buy only Really accomplishes makeing me More emotionally, mentally and physically spent.
Best of luck with your parents. Remember to be Gracious and gentle with yourself, too. I think you’re doing a Great job in a tough situation, and you’re really working so hard to find a positive way to best interact. Don’t give up. I’m rooting for you, and I already believe in you for some great wins in your future with this, and any-other ADD/ADHD issue that arrives. You’ve clearly got a great and level head on your shoulders. Honestly, I’m looking forward to one day being the same kind of self-aware person you already seem to be. You can do it, Inkpool!!!
- This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by ASpring. Reason: My grammer errors needed corrected
January 8, 2019 at 3:43 am #106381
Chuk Gleason: Welcome to the forums! Happy to have been the inspiration for your first post!;) I am happy to hear it is not just an ADHD thing to need that switch time. Your solution seems so natural. I am trying to find that natural solution here. Maybe I need to approach this with a different balance of emotional/logical outlook? Happy posting and thanks for your response!
Rowan: I have definitely become much more introverted over time. Having moved back home, both my parents, extended family, and friends seem to see this switch in me as sudden, but in honesty it was a gradual transition which I feel came naturally with age. Thanks for your input!
keliemm: Thank you very much for your input and validation. I do appreciate your post. I wish I could offer you something in return, but I hope you are able to glean something off of this thread- or someone reading this advice will address your concerns here as well. If you find anything on a different thread, please let me know. I am willing to hop around.
ASpring: Thank so much. Moving home incites this weird loop around to return to how things were. I kinda see it as a destructive comfort zone I really would like to readjust. I really appreciate your words. Let’s help each other out. I have some updates at the bottom if you are interested. You are appreciated.
Bert: You are right about the exercise. With that in mind, I think my work outs which happen in the late evenings will need to be right after work. I prefer doing so around 7-800pm because for some reason I sleep much better the later I work out.
You trolling? Because if you are, well played. If you aren’t, here is my response. You are absolutely correct: I do have a failure to launch. In fact, that is the exact term, verbatim, I am being coached through with medical professionals. I am working everyday with to launch, again. Because I did launch before, and unfortunately crashed with the impact to create a humongous crater, something of which I will not offer additional information, lest I sound like I am, “protesting too much.” Having failed to launch is something I will directly acknowledge. It is a real experience I am having. But it does not negate everything else I am expressing in this forum thread. You made a clear direct assessment, but is one that I do not relate to as I find it is an overly simplified appraisal of my situation. It is guided by your tone and innuendos your unique inner voice used, with reference to your personal history and success stories when relating to me. I did the same thing reading your response as well as any post I read. Just as much as you know what you have experienced and think I should learn from you is valid is probably equal to my own confidence in knowing what I am experiencing is also valid and just as complicated as I am expressing it to be.
How I came back to living with my parents and how long I have been here is a weight on my own shoulders but is central problem. I am here, physically helping my parents. They express to me daily how much they appreciate my help. But you are correct about age having as factor, but not with the demeaning innuendo my inner voice assumed when interpreting your exclamation point. I know how old I am, which is 36, and know what I should expect from myself as the mature adult I am and would like to start recognizing in myself again. My behavior and the patterns that I have fallen into are not ok. And they manifest most strongly when I get home, do not have a time to adjust my mind set, and and stimulation threshold is overwhelmed by environment. This was the original issue I stated, and continues to be the issue I am working on.
My parents are not tired of me. They are VERY concerned about me, which translates into over protective parental behavior; which is something we as a family have spoken about on multiple occasions in very candid discussions. They have a caliber of protectiveness that boarders on paranoia, and it is something that my older sibling and I struggled and fought with growing up with and without professional help. It is not something I am wanting/willing to fight anymore. Their behavior is one that I am looking to find a compromise for and reconcile using the tools I have and am trying to learn. It takes re-assessment of my own short comings and recognizing when I have fallen into the easy trap of impulsive emotionally charged outbursts. I am not proud of when I do, and am working very hard and diligently to to recognize it and change because I want to feel like the adult I know I am. And I also recognize it has a lot to do with emotional dysregulation and many other ADHD quirks and qualities. This is not an excuse. I am using the knowledge that having ADHD affects my default behaviors to find appropriate tools and strategies to remediate them; and not just in hindsight- in the moment as well.
I addressed in this forum that I know my actions, responses, and opportunity for an independent future are my own personal responsibility. You have your assumptions and you will forever be validated by your confidence and by whoever else appraises and sympathizes with your evaluation of me. I know what I am experiencing and my reactions are very much rooted in the ADHD quirks and qualities I have. I also know there are ways to learn how to mediate those symptoms. Thanks to professional help and personal experiences shared by the larger community, learning how to identify, recognize, and articulate needs is getting easier. One of my biggest struggles is answering the question, “How are you?” By reaching out to the community, I am realizing this is common in ADHD brains. Because assessing and identifying my own personal emotions and thoughts in a comprehensive articulate manner is not easy for me, it one of my top goals to work on. I have no shame in recognizing that. By recognizing this, I am getting better at the being able to answer the “How ave you been?” questions with honest and more elaborate conversational friendly responses.
I know my parents love me. I know they know how much I love and appreciate them. We tell each other every day. I will never go to bed without telling them, even when I did live on my own. Because I want them to know, especially when I am not proud of how I handled myself during the day. I need them to know it is not their fault so they stop holding on to their feelings of failure. So, your direct and to the point response is not something I can relate to because I also know with full confidence what I am experiencing is validated and much more complex. If you have anything else to offer, I would never tell you to not do so. I will however, assess your input and consider if it is something I my inner voice can identify with and find valuable. However, if you are just trolling… props for a nice strategic move.
Updates for anyone who is curious:
Thanks for all the support. Those of you who are wondering, hopeful progress has been made by setting a “before we go to bed, lets have a cup of tea/hot chocolate” time with my my mom (and my dad when he wants). Just letting my mom have that assured time that I am setting aside seems to have calmed something inside of her. I continue to promise to call if I am going to be an hour later than expected and I have pretty much let them know to not worry about me joining for dinner, except for at least two nights a week. That seemed to also have calmed motherly tendencies. Its been a struggle for me to stick to new routines too, and I don’t have anything to offer in terms of what I am doing to keep on it. Just do a lot of calendar reminders? Any advice is welcomed in how to adjust to knew routines.
I was also very direct with both of my parents. I had to be, because my impulsive reactions passive agressive and not doing me (or them) any favors. But remember to be direct in the moment and finding the appropriate size break pads for impulsive responses is still a struggle. I know what to expect when I get home, so I swallowed my pride, not caring that I am talking to myself in the car… rather loudly… and am practicing what I want to say. I hoping this doesn’t lead into any, “self-fulling prophecy…” I don’t want them to react the way I expect them too, but so far they have been fairly predictable.
Ok, so longer than two cents in this post… more like 20 or 30 dollars maybe??
January 8, 2019 at 6:57 am #106385rowanParticipant
Such an awesome feedback post,
thank you Inkpool.
I think what we can take from this is the following:
1) Some genuinely good people out there who wish to empathize and share. there is a sense of shared burden and camaraderie in an ecosystem such as this, which is great for healing and growth. (I believe that ADHD is co-morbid with Depression and anxiety, thus i mention healing and growth)
2) A complex situation such as yours (complex, because there are multiple scripts playing out simultaneously) cannot be resolved in a single sentenced recommendation. Your pressure point has been reached because of multiple scenarios, that individually may be manageable (moving home, difficult parents, defrag time, etc), but throw them all together, and it can boil over. Although i dont know your specific details and circumstances, i would try identify the different elements, and unpack them individually, to see if you uncover anything that can help. it might also present the different challenges in manageable pieces.
i confess – i often talk to myself. intense debates. in depth scenarios where i role play and explain things to myself as if i was a stranger to ADHD et al. especially when i am driving. I hope people think i am talking on a hands free car kit. my point is that when i speak it, i also hear it, so i involve more of my senses, and this helps me to process and unpack better.
As for the trolls. if you are so good at deciphering others, then surely you have managed to decipher yourself to the point where group forums are of no value?
January 8, 2019 at 11:31 am #106406ChukParticipant
Just to add to the confusion, another friend has called it the ‘core dump’; one person gets home, and is compelled to tell the other one EVERYTHING that happened that day!! And I mean EVERYTHING!! Every detail, every nuance. And it’s not that the forced recipient doesn’t want to hear about the day, it’s as much that once the faucet opens it continues until the barrel is empty.
It’s not good or bad in and of itself; the problem comes when people have different styles (and don’t talk about it).
January 17, 2019 at 10:35 pm #106978keliemmParticipant
So glad to hear you’re finding solutions inkpool! And glad to hear that talking out loud to myself is something many of us do! I do it in the car too lol… to practice scenarios, or to express what I know would be inappropriate or ineffective, or to work through what are my less rational more emotional reactions… the list goes on and it can be very cathartic and insightful.
I’m glad to see success in this thread 🙂
January 19, 2019 at 5:17 pm #107079
rowan: Thank you for your response. This definitely can’t be resolved in a single sentence and 36 years of history and context is more than anyone needs to know about a problem. I appreciate you pitching in. Also, glad I am not the only one talking to myself in the car! Having the slip ups or things I expect to encounter on replay mode in my head but then speaking them out loud is (as keliemm mentioned) oddly cathartic…. At least I know others are doing the same and I don’t look too weird to my surrounding drivers;) Happy to meet another member of the, “Car Convo with Myself Club.” Know a better name???
Chuk: LOL. I think that is what happens when my mom comes home. She wants to tell me everything…… and I mean EVERYTHING as well… What happened at the doctor, what the doctor asked her, what her responses are, what she didn’t like about the toast she got at whatever restaurant her and my father went to for brunch and why I need to know what she learned about ordering off that particular menu so that I can apply it to when I order from that particular menu from a place I have never been to…. It is her way… it is not mine…. but progress is being and I think it will continue to do so as long as I keep to my end of the promise of not coming out of my room for quality time.
keliemm: Thank you so much!!! happy to have you in the “Car Convo with Myself Club” too 😉 Pitch in if you also know a better name;)
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