Romantic interests always turn into resentment toward them

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    • #115953

      So I’m a 19 year old girl and I have anxiety (though not severe) as well as adhd. I have very very little dating experience and have been single for a very long time now. I am also afraid of new and potentially risky experiences (like dating and driving). Ever since I started to have crushes on people, I’ve somehow convinced myself to resent the people I have feelings towards and lose all interest in them.

      Here are some examples: My first boyfriend in 8th grade, who I was pretty interested in at first, we dated for about 6-7 months. Although very little happened while we were together (ie. no official dates, very few romantic gestures) the two times we did kiss in that span of time, I felt horrible towards him the days following. I would avoid him and not want to talk to him or even see him.

      Another more recent example was a guy I met at a friend’s party. We talked together almost the whole party and I kept thinking about how cute he was and how much I loved his personality. We exchanged instagrams and texted very frequently for about two weeks. Then we start talking about dating and being friends first and then seeing where it goes from there. However soon we started sexting each other. While I liked it in the moment, the next day and the weeks following I began overthinking it and felt guilty and bad. Then I started subconsciously picking out things I didn’t like about him and became swamped by those thoughts until I completely lost interest in him.

      Even more recently, some of the people I have been interested in dating I became hyperfixated on them, thinking about them constantly, feeling very attracted toward them, wanting to be around them and talk to them a lot. Like I feel so sure that I want to pursue a relationship with them, and I tend to think of very impulsive thoughts. Then as I hang out with them more with this realization that I have a crush on them, the feelings start to dull down very quickly, like within a matter of a few weeks until I feel nothing anymore. It happens even when things are going great.

      Currently, I have a new crush on a guy friend I know but don’t hang out with much and he has been flirting back at me. We both now know we like each other and decided to take things slow and explore our feelings a while longer before we try to cement it down and start a relationship. It’s been a few weeks since I noticed I might have feelings for him and almost a week since I told him I like him. Similar things have been happening: I got hyperfixated on him and wanted nothing but to see him and talk to him again. He was on my mind very frequently. However these past few days, I’ve been noticing the signs of me picking things out I don’t like about him. I’ve started thinking “oh this wont work out, you’ll lose interest before anything happens” and “come on he’s not that cute”.

      I’m worried that this will happen every time I want to date someone. I just want to fall into a relationship without having to worry and think about it that much.

      Does anyone here experience this or something like this? If so, what are some ways you’ve used to cope with it? I’ve talked to my therapist about this and asked if it was a fear of intimacy and she said it probably is. I just want to be able to get past this.

    • #116070

      I would definitely keep seeing your therapist and talking to them about this. This could be from something that happened when you were a kid, it is hard to say from just a few paragraphs. There is so much more to a relationship than some guy is cute. You need to figure out what you want out of it, it takes time to get to know someone. You don’t want to put the cart before the horse, per say. Relationships that have no foundation usually don’t work out. Anything worth having takes time, I am talking about months and months not weeks. Having expectations about anything usually doesn’t work, either. Most guys your age usually doesn’t want anything serious or just a hook up.

    • #116071

      Great suggestion to talk with someone about this. Another thing you could do is to practise meditation. It will help you get out of your head and not follow these ‘thought trains’ to the places you have been. Being mindful and let the thoughts pass will help.

    • #116072

      Try to do more analysis. You start to dwell on the minuses of a person, forgetting about his advantages. Write down everything on paper, all the pros and cons, and then how they can be solved. Problems will always be life, but are you ready to solve them with your loved one? If you do not like something in the other person speak directly.

    • #116362

      Hi! I’m 24 and your experiences feel familiar. All of my relationships up until recently followed that sort of arc. I would get excited about the idea of being with someone- usually they were nice and had some good “on-paper” qualities. But in all cases I kind of fell into the relationships. I didn’t really know what I was doing, and I definitely couldn’t sort out what parts of my crushing were just crushing and what parts were really just about that person.

      It took me a while to become disillusioned with these guys. I didn’t really know what it was like to truly romantically love someone. I basically followed a script and enjoyed the perks of being in a relationship. Until I realized I didn’t like the person I was dating. And in the end, that was most of the problem- I was dating guys who were nice, but I either didn’t really know them that well or I didn’t like them but was confused by how nice the situation was.

      The other big problem? Most of the time I didn’t really want the commitment of being in a relationship. I was in college- I had lots to do and lots of friends, and commitment in a relationship meant taking time from the rest of my life. I wasn’t ready for that, and I did build resentment towards them for “taking my life away”.

      So my point is: you’re not crazy, it might not be fear of intimacy (of course, it could be), you might just not be ready, or you might just not like these guys so much, even though you get excited about the possibilities at first. (Who isn’t a sucker for ~ the possibilities ~ anyway?)

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