Relationship breakdown

Home Welcome to the ADDitude Forums For Adults Relationships Relationship breakdown

Viewing 3 reply threads
  • Author
    • #46478

      I’m not really sure where to start but I was hoping to get some advice/guidance/support from other like minded people.

      I am an undiagnosed ADD adult who is in a lesbian relationship with someone who is diagnosed ADD.

      I have had a suspicion for many years that I have ADD and those close to me also agree.

      I have an appointment in 1 week with a psychiatrist for diagnosis and hopefully treatment.

      It wasn’t until I met my partner that I learnt there was so much more to ADD than I had first realized. I realized that my emotional turbulence, mood swings, the way I reacted, anger etc was a symptom of ADD (otherwise I would of sought treatment and help sooner).

      My partner and I a very much in love but it feels like it is killing our relationship because I am still untreated. We have been counting down the days for my appointment however with 1 week to go, my partner today hit the point of not being able to continue our relationship because of my mood swings and bad reactions.

      I really don’t know what to do.

      I am so terrified yet so excited to be getting my life sorted and getting help but I’m guttered that my partner gave up on me with 1 week left before I get that help.
      I know her head is racing and she has gone to a bad place within herself and it’s due to my crazy brain and the crazy “logic” my brain somehow reaches (I’m a big over thinker)

      Is there any advice anyone can give me with how to help her and “win her back” so to speak so as we can survive another week and I get the treatment I need? I’m fairly confident that I will be placed on medication and that this will greatly help me. I/we just need to get through this week without me going crazy emotionally and pushing her away.

      Please help…

    • #46479

      Hi Dee
      I’m sorry to say, but the medications don’t help much with the emotion part. They can even exaggerate it.
      But that doesn’t mean it’s the end of the relationship!
      We tend to think that relationships are over when someone leaves.
      But I can say from experience that the people with ADHD that I know just need space sometimes.
      In German, there’s a saying that if you want to keep a bird, let it fly. Then it will come back to you on its own.
      I think that is what we ADHD-ers need sometimes: space.
      I know there has been times in my 36 year marriage that I have just needed “space”.
      I needed to live on my own for awhile to be able to come back and meet the challenges of the relationship. Sometimes it was 6 weeks, sometimes 3 months. But afterwards I came back and it worked.
      Of course, in that time I worked on being able to handle the relationship better. Like taking courses and getting coached. Maybe you could suggest a “time-out” for both of you, tell her you will get help for the emotional issues, learn how to solve conflicts in a more productive way and give a time limit. Ask if you could meet again after that time and do a “trial run” to see if the relationship would work better. Tell her you’re sorry if you overwhelmed her.
      Sure, there is always two sides to a relationship and she surely has her own issues to work on. But she has to want to do that. So your only option is to work on yourself if you want to stay together.
      These are only suggestions that worked for me. Maybe there are other possibilities out there to explore for you. It might help her just to know that you are planning to work on it. But if she wants to fly anyways, then let her. She just needs that.

    • #46497
      Penny Williams

      Your untreated ADHD symptoms probably make your partner feel like she’s loosing her grip on her own ADHD symptoms, and that can be frightening. The good news is that you are working to get a diagnosis and treatment, and, if anyone can understand that a lot of your behavior is outside your control, it is her.

      I would keep in contact if you can and update her on your progress. “Hey, I got diagnosed with ADHD today and I start medication tomorrow.” Etc… Hopefully, as you focus on taking care of yourself, she will see that it can get better and give the relationship another try. You really do have to do what’s best for you first and foremost.

      Here’s some information on diagnosis and treatment, so you will know what to expect. No, ADHD medication doesn’t treat emotionality directly, but it can improve emotions when symptoms are treated and life is going better.

      Your Ultimate ADHD Diagnosis Guide

      10 Ways to Save Your Relationship

      ADDconnect Moderator, Author & Mentor on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

    • #76693

      I am a very healthy and young 64 year old lady. I have had problems within my relationships all my life.. I get close to someone then wthin a short short while I get angry and pull away! My daughter has been diagnosed with adhd and now believe I have it too.. I was wondering if anyone can relate to what I am feeling.. I can become very angry, very cold and very anxious around the person that I had a relationship with..

      I then end the relationship convinced he has too many problems instead of helping and talking about them… I spent a lot of energy thinking about there problems and can be too outspoken with them…I am terrible under pressure andfeel happiest when I’m at home alone….But I long to be loved in a normal healthy relationship..

      • This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Pinkie2953.
Viewing 3 reply threads

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.