December 5, 2020 at 5:34 pm #188638Le Petite MorteParticipant
Hello! I need advice guidance and what is your experience of this.
I’ll keep the story short. Me & my current boyfriend have been friends for 10+ years. There has always been this connection, and it’s only recently that we reconnected and have the same spark still there and we became bf/gf.
Whilst he’s always had the ‘different’ energy it wasn’t until he applied to uni, did he tell he he had ADHD (ADD) diagnosed as a kid. He didn’t know what part of that spectrum he fell on and in his mid 30’s asking his mom, what type he was. Me working in education I thought it was strange that he wasn’t that aware of it. (He’s on no medication for it either)
The first 4 months was perfect, really truly. We are both creative and to be able to work with someone have that energy and bounce off each other is quite rare. He has got his baggage from a previous long term relationship, he has had a pretty ideal life up until being in a long term relationship, with someone who too be honest it just wasn’t healthy for either of them and I think there’s trauma from that. He had never experience “depression” as he put this prior.
He also said that from time to time, he can have these depressive moments where he doesn’t communicate and the longest he’s had one is 6 weeks. I did question how would I know, to which he responded ‘oh you’ll just know”
And guess what! I bloody know now! He has ignored me for about 6 weeks. That day he was drumming for 7 hours straight, whilst I was working. It was such a sensory overload for me. I had told him throughout the day I was thinking of going home . I don’t think he really heard: He also had hardly talked to me all day and seemed to be going into a hyperfocus mode.
I had question earlier that day if he was going into a mood because he had completely changed his dynamic with me somewhat (well I was getting vibes)
Again he said no…. a few hours after this drumming and I left, there were no angry words, just love you and bye. Then he hasn’t spoken to me.
If it was some bloke of tinder I wouldn’t care. But this is a good friend of 10 years. I feel like this is a combination of stonewalling and Rejection sensitivity disorder. It’s the first time and last time as I think he needs support somewhat. Both in the account of trauma of a family breakdown and then his ADD.
He has such a wonderful mind, he is compassionate and a good guy. It’s just this side of it his AdD is not great.
I am also too being psychometric tested for Add/Autism. I’ve learned so much from reading these forums and from what I can make it’s such a wide spectrum of experiences.
I do have compassion, I do love him but I can’t have this in relationship of being ignored for months.
I see my friend struggling and somewhat in denial about all of this. Even my housemate has text him (you know man to man) and he is in complete denial anything is wrong. It’s bizarre and sad and I miss my friend.
- This topic was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by Le Petite Morte.
December 9, 2020 at 1:53 pm #188825kelbluebirdParticipant
Reading this is like you have watched me and my other half. He is exactly the same and its killing me. At this moment in time he is having what i cann an episode staying in his van blocking me out being quite nasty to me. It hurts so nuch because he is usually great we get on so well and are constantly laugghing and joking but when ths happens it hurts like hell. Im at my wits end but love him so much.
December 10, 2020 at 4:00 am #188851GazettechanParticipant
I am sorry to hear about this that you need to experience as such, hope that will pass. Stay positive.
December 15, 2020 at 4:32 pm #189165Le Petite MorteParticipant
Thank you for your lovely words. It’s hugely frustrating. In a way I know RSD should only be for a short period, 2 months now seems a bit rash. I suppose maybe he got informed in the past, and never challenged when like this.
In his words “he usually snaps out of it”
But I’m like dude, this is not healthy. Not for anyone.
I’ve tried every tactic under the sun and I have given space. I’ve sent messages, 4 over this whole period. Its got to the point two weeks ago where I had to ask their sibling via text to get my stuff back as I need it for work. After he had ignored me from the initial response.
They got back fairly quickly after ringing him and saying I needed my stuff, they said he would drop it off at my work. But it’s now over a week and nothing. I think maybe more lip service for his sibiling and me. I’m giving him till the end of the week but then we close for a month.
I’ll text him some thing lovely but implying he needs to touch base, and that if not I’ll be heading up with two coffees in the new year.
I’m taking my housemate with me who’s wise and strangely he has talked to him. But even my housemate is concerned and when we talk about it we just come back to the same conclusion. That this is odd behaviour.
He has hidden this from his family for years and I think by him telling me he does this, he has tried to “Normalize” it. However it’s not normalised.
It hurts so deeply and it really triggers me. Our attachment types are different I’m more anxious and also I think I may have combined Add/ADHD, researching into this has made me question a lot.
I can relate to so much. Especially the RSD and I abuse caffeine like no tomorrow amongst a whole load of other symptoms.
So anyway I digress; I’ve made the descion to leave it till the end of this week to see if he acts. (I do doubt this). I’ve got a text lined up that’s to the point and short with love saying what I’ll be doing next.
I just don’t know what else to do. It’s sad because with the right support it’s something that could be overcome but it will impact other areas of his life if he doesn’t reflect. I know I’m not programmed the same and the way this has disrupted me is awful, so triggering.
Anyway peace and love and thank you for you response and thoughts on this or what type of response I may get. It’s only happeneing the once.
Ps- I am also a teacher so I do understand how this can effect form a pedagogical view of the self and this is why. Take the personal aspect out of it it would still be the same. Someone is struggling here.
- This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by Le Petite Morte.
December 15, 2020 at 6:08 pm #189181Lemon-n-LimeParticipant
I’m so sorry!
December 23, 2020 at 12:01 pm #189558jessica jamesParticipant
I’m literally sobbing after reading this. I can understand what it feels like when a person is in denail. For years ADHD has never been taken seriously and due to this reason, the history of childhood becomes the history of life. ADHD doesn’t only make a person suffer but also the ones he is committed to. I think your boyfriend needs care and support. Only Love is not sufficient. Maybe he doesn’t feel like talking to anyone sometimes but try keeping him social and engage. The best thing to do is getting hima companion. Even if he will be at home or in solitude, he’s gonna have the feeling of love and support. From companion, I mean a pet, an ESA,https://esacare.com/top-3-benefits-of-an-emotional-support-animal-on-adhd-by-15-renowned-experts/
[*Took 15 mins to search this for you 🙂 ]
I assure you this will work. ESA is trained to give you emotional support and companionship. This worked for me to get out of my world of isolation and anxiety. Perhaps it will help your boyfriend too.
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