November 25, 2018 at 12:09 pm #104251WarmMuddleParticipant
My husband was only recently diagnosed with ADHD. Looking back, I see so many red flags from even before our wedding. What I never could have seen coming is his workaholism.
It wasn’t until after the wedding that my husband began neglecting his friends, car, house, dogs, and wife in favor of his work and co-workers. He once told me he’d rather hurt my feelings than those of his co-workers because he trusts that I’ll react rationally. I wish I could say that made it hurt any less when he sacrificed my feelings so that he wouldn’t hurt those of…
…his boss when the boss wanted him to stay out until 5 AM doing cocaine at a strip club while I was at home with a fever of 105 without any tea, juice, or soup.
…his female coworker when she asked him to take photos of the concert we attended. He also forgot he’d offered me one of his free tickets and gave it to his friend so I had to buy one for myself. He spent the entire time ignoring me and his friend so he could take photos and videos to send her. He later admitted to having feelings for her.
…and his former co-worker (also female) when she asked to meet him at 2 AM. He left without waking me to tell me he was leaving the house or why.
He thought switching jobs and career fields would help. To be fair, he hasn’t done anything suspicious/out-of-character with any of his co-workers from his new job, but his recent meeting with this former co-worker means he doesn’t need to be working with someone or even in the same field as him/her to be too afraid to say, “no,” and to prioritize their feelings over mine.
At this point I’m scared to let myself trust him again. I’m tired of his family and friends all trying to contact him through me because he doesn’t respond to their messages. I’m exhausted from spending the last 4 years taking care of our house, our dogs, and my car without much help from him. I’m really struggling to trust that he didn’t intentionally stay out so late when I needed him, give away the concert ticket he’d offered me, or fail to tell me he was meeting the woman he’d worked with. If he didn’t also fail to lock the door at night, take his work tools to the office, or leave the company car’s keys in the office it would be even harder to believe those weren’t intentional.
And although I have faith in our counselor/ADHD coach, I don’t know if even the best therapist can get through to my husband to help him understand that we keep having this same fight that he’s so tired of because he keeps repeating the same behavior (prioritizing his work and co-workers to the point that it’s detrimental to everyone in his life, including me).
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