what am i supposed to do?! my spouse is either autistic or adhd but he totally denies it, refuses to get help. whats worse, he blames me for being “unhappy” and sensitive to his total lack of commitment to anything, and for not focusing on even one sentence that i say. He is the breadwinner and due to his constantly feeling “out of control” he tries to control our finances by not allowing me direct access to our accounts so i need to rely on HIM for my needs. And of course he neglects my needs, because he doesnt space in (or get off his addicted-to-devices) long enough to notice or listen to what i need.
And the social behavior he is modelling for my kids is terrible!
The crucial piece to changing this is that your spouse accepts that there’s a problem and wants to change it, which isn’t happening right now. Until then, it doesn’t matter what you do, things can’t change.
But, what you can change is what you do with the situation. If you don’t have any access to the family financials, then you need to create your own that you can rely on. If the relationship is unhealthy, maybe it’s not a good idea to continue it. I’m not saying these things are true for you, I’m saying these are the things you can control and what you should focus on. And it isn’t just you suffering in this situation, it could be negatively impacting the kids as well.
I would sit down and make a list of things you can’t control and things you can control. It will help you to not feel stuck or trapped, because you do have some control, and it will help you create a plan of action that can actually create some change.
ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Coach, Podcaster & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism
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