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    • #107066

      Sometimes I wish I came with a disclaimer. Everyone loves the idea of an ADHD female. On the outside I am outgoing, bubbly, hardworking and a perfectionist but on the inside I am messy, sensitive and scared. I am waiting for the moment everyone doesn’t see I have it all together and everything falls apart. I’ve been divorced for 6 years and let me say being a Mom who wasn’t diagnosed until later in her life and dealing with the stress of creating an environment for my daughter that is not proceeded by chaos is more than challenging. I watch my growth and I am amazed at my success but when I fail damn do I fail. I know no boundaries. I want to please, please, please and what people don’t understand is I do it with the best of intentions. Between having ADHD and being a perfectionist I drive myself to literal insanity. I am so afraid of letting others down and worrying about their perception of me that I completely destroy any good thing I have. You know they say admitting you have a problem is the hardest part, well that isn’t my case. I can tell you all my problems and I do it with solutions, but the follow through doesn’t come. I feel like I am constantly letting people down. What someone considers normal mistakes that happen I feel like everyone is going to know I am no where near normal. If I hyperfocus on my job, my relationship goes to shit, if I hyper focus on my relationships I get called clingy. It’s like a happy medium doesn’t exist in an ADHD brain or maybe that is just me. I wake up with an agenda and by the end of the day 14934 post it notes are all over my desk and I have no idea where to start. I can’t express my emotions properly because my ADHD brain can feel them but I can’t express them so I repress them and listen to music for hours and hours and unless someone else really understands ADHD they think you are guarded or I believe I have been told I see the world through “rose colored” glasses. It isn’t always like this though because as I sit here writing this I am feeling shameful because I forgot two meetings last week, I could not focus on anything, my brain shut off and no medication in the world could have fixed my problems. It never is a lack of motivation for me and I think that is where the shame sets in. I feel like I need to just sit down and get these things done, but I literally become paralyzed. I put off bills, important conversations to try and isolate myself and my feelings. How am I going to pull it all together because in my brain that one mistake that led me to cry in my managers office is going to get me fired, it somehow makes me a bad parent and now the world is going to collapse. I imagine I am not the only ADHD person who feels this way at times. And the funny thing is in a week I know I will be ok I will get back on schedule. I look at my ADHD is the best and worst thing about me. It’s what attracts people to me but it is also what drives them away. I just need constant reminders of mistakes are human, stability is good and you can be successful. I am very thankful for forums like this where I can post all these things and know someone there is feeling the same thing.

    • #107239
      Penny Williams

      I would urge you to consider treatment for your ADHD. If you don’t address it, it can’t get better. Much of your anxieties could be triggered by untreated ADHD.

      It also sounds like you may have some Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.

      Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and ADHD

      You can work on those feelings of shame too

      Listen to “Overcoming My ADHD Shame” with Edward Hallowell, M.D.

      ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Trainer & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

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