Non Diagnosed Have Questions about myself

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      I am new to the Forums and honestly, I just needed to vent. I am 34 years old and have been married for 8 years. I was never diagnosed with any type of mental illness or disorder as a child. My childhood was not normal for me, I more than positive that there are a lot more people who experienced worse than myself but for me personally it was hard for me to handle. My mother who is an alcoholic had multiple marriages and multiple affairs. She had a personality that was very self-centered, victimized, and lacked empathy for anyone who wasn’t a victim themselves. I remember as a child multiple times my mother looking at me in my eyes and telling me that she didn’t love me and that I wasn’t her son. My father who I found out just yesterday has ADHD. My father who struggled with substance abuse (methamphetamine) wasn’t all that present in my life during my childhood. I lived with him off and on during my teens but even then there was not a strong bond between us. I could tell that he loved me and he tried the best he could to spend time with me but his work and personal goals always came before everyone again I could see the struggle in eyes for example he loved fast pitch baseball he was really good at and he would make it to all the practices and all the games. But once in a while a roadblock would get in the way like one of us kids got sick. You can see the anxiety and panic on his face that he had to make a choice of calling his team mates up and letting them know that his kids were sick and he needed to stay home. He would eventually have an anxiety attack and call a babysitter up so he could go play his game. The anxiety wasn’t from sitting at home with us kids. It was the fact that he was going to miss out on an experience or a big celebration of some sort. I used to think that he was a selfish person like my mother but I dont think that way anymore. Even though my mother and I dont speak my father and I do and I am thankful for that.

      Through my adolescence I got into a lot of trouble with school. I was high D low C student and I almost didn’t gradutate high school due to a lack of credits I eventually went to a continuation school and eventually got my diploma. I ran with a tougher crowd and we loved to party.
      For some strange reason I always wanted to be on my own. Independent. Free to make my own decisions. This drive was a motivation due to a lot of people telling me that I never live up to my full potential. It was if everyone could see all this greatness in me but everytime I stepped up to the plate I struck out. This frustrated me because it was true. I am a very smart individual but for whatever reason I have a tendency to just blow things off as a teen. I would rather gain the pleasures of the present than sacrifice the now to invest into my future.

      Over time I learned to cope with life but always felt like I was searching for an identity. I became extremely inward focused and constantly trying to fix myself. The need for approval became very real and for the next 19 years, I started living my life changing from one person to another person to another all because I wanted to please the people I had in my life as well as trying to fit in with the new ones that entered into my life. But as always I would burn myself out. Exhausted, tired, angry, frustrated, irritated, sad, confused, chaos, anxiety, depression. I would lay awake at night telling myself “fuck this I am going start just being me and start doing the things I want to do fuck what everyone else thinks, today is the day I just start being me”. I would become impulsive, my drinking would increase, I would get numb and eventually, life would just be a blur. The confusion was and still is very real. No direction, no motivation, not knowing what is real life and what was being made up in my head. I would just mindlessly walk in a foggy haze day after day not knowing what emotions were going to take over my body in which would manifest itself into a behavior that would cause more stress and anxiety in my life not to mention the stress I am putting on my wife who has to put up with my behaviors as well as take care of 2 boys.

      Not to get lost on a rabbit trail but I wanted to point out a few things about my wife and I. My wife has always told me that I dont pay attention to her. We feel as though we are just two people living in the same house together rather than a married couple. There is no emotional connection between us. I also have noticed that I cant understand her feelings. I get so caught up with myself in trying to not be this out of control person that I forget about her. She will tell me how my behaviors are effecting her and I get so hurt by it that I lash out. I love my wife and i love my family but its very difficult for me to remember them during my day and I find myself doing what my father did. I for some reason keep choosing to do other activities away from my home and away from family that they feel that I dont want to be around them. That is far from the truth. The truth is sometimes I feel like I cant help myself. Its that battle that my dad would face when I was a kid. Its this drive to finding a life where I can breathe and be free and find happiness in myself because honestly on the inside it feels like a tornado and I have no control over it.

      So about 6-7 months ago I made a choice and I know that it was a real choice for me because I am still sticking to it and even though I am not perfect at it I have been very consistent in picking up where I left off. I made a choice to expose all my flaws and to throw up my hands and just accept the things as they are. No more fixing myself, no more waking up in the morning with the added pressure of trying to be this person that doesnt make mistakes. Still taking responsibility when I need to but just letting go this person that I view myself as Selfish, destructive, impulsive, hopeless, and so on. I made a choice to start living my life the way I want to live it and wanting to live it for myself. I came to this realization that due to the fact that I have lived the majority of life in approval from others that I built my foundation of beliefs and core values on sand and I need to find my own beliefes and core values for myself so I wont sway. So I started to see a councilor.

      I started to see this councilor because my wife and I were going to get a divorce. During this time of me “putting my foot down” and no longer living my life in a place where I have to watch my behavior and actions in order to make others feel emotionally safe and secure I really started to find myself and for the first time in my life started to feel a sense of freedom. Its hard to describe but I litterally have had to stand up for myself and tell the ones around me that I am giving myself the freedom to fail. I am giving myself the freedom to find myself. I am giving myself the freedom to change once again. When I started to do this I started to feel better on the inside but the ones around me started to question if this is the person they wanted to be married to and to be perfectly honest I didnt blame my wife for asking herself these questions. So we started to see this counselor. So after two session we decided that it would be best if we stopped the marriage counseling and did and individual counseling with me and we find another counselor to continue the marriage counseling. We agreed and we have been doing both for about 4 months now.

      So during my sessions the counselor suggested I go see a psychiatrist and evaluate me with adult adhd. So I started researching and researching and researching and the more I read the more I felt like I was finding missing pieces of puzzles to my life that explained to me why I felt the way I did all the time. I started to feel a sense of relief and sadness, and pain, but still confused and lots of questions.

      So with all of this said I had a moment last night. My wife was very hurt by my choices last night, I told her I would be home at a certain time and it tured out that when I made the promise I was under the impression that all my obligations would be done by that time and they weren’t. This happens often and its frustrating as fuck! So she sends me this long e-mail of how she wants to move back to her home state and be closer to her family. I read the text message and said ok. It was shocking to me that I had zero emotions. ZERO! She went on to tell me that its hard sleeping alone all the time and that she cried the whole way home from her family camping trip because her brothers friend taught my boys how to throw a baseball. (I had to miss the camping trip due to work) and she expressed how its hard that I dont take time to do these family activities like throw a baseball with my kids. When I am reading this all I can think is “Shes right”. But there was no emotion of empathy attached to it. I realized that I do this alot with her. She can be balling her eyes out right in front of me and I dont know what to do with it. I just go blank and numb. I cant feel her pain. I cant relate to what I am putting her through because after she cools off Its back to the same ol same ol. I want to empathize with my wife. I want to give her what she needs. But I just dont know if I can. Its almost as if I have retreated and want her to leave so I can get the help that I need to be a happier person so in the future when my kids grow up we can start have a relationship that doesnt have the pain and suffering attached to it from when they were kids.

      I dont know why I decided to type this out but if anyone has any insight or thoughts please feel free to reply. Sorry for the typos and grammar not real good at it.

    • #89491

      Wow! You put a lot in there, but I can relate. I am 69 and was diagnosed last month.
      ADHD has a genetic component, so it is good that you know your father has it,

      I have invented and reinvented myself many times: many jobs, relationships, and financial disasters.
      Just knowing that we aren’t crazy, just wired differently helps.

      Definitely, get diagnosed. If you are dealing with ADHD, work with getting the meds you need (they will slow down your mind) and get the skills for handling your life (ADHD brains deal differently than others). This site has a lot of good information and there are others. None of us is exactly the same, so find what is real to you.
      Take what you wrote here to your counselor so that they can help.
      Hope this helps and good luck.

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