NO! You don't understand.

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    • #103171

      I get so sick of people (especially my mother) saying they understand how I feel.
      I have a very difficult time with my emotions because of disregulation.
      Today it caused an argument with my mother, she was upset because I refuse to visit my fathers grave, she thinks it’s because I don’t care.
      My father died when I was fourteen, it hit me hard, unless you have emotional disregulation you have no clue how much it hurts, even now if I visit those memories the pain has not lessened.
      The only way I can hold on to what I think is my sanity, is to avoid those memories and things that trigger them.
      She thinks I’m cold and uncaring, it’s my only defense, I have to somehow switch off those feelings, neurotypicals just don’t understand.

    • #103174

      Did you know that emotional dysregulation could have a physiological basis, and therefore, managed with Functional medicine ?
      Also, I thought your explanation was very coherent and clear. Maybe if you share it with your Mom, she would appreciate the level of pain you experience. This is like PTSD, and there are therapies that help with this. I like EFT, but there are many other modalities. Just know that you are not alone in this, and that there are no persons who are completely immune to dysregulation. We all have different genetic and environmental, stress and lifestyle triggers at different times in our lives. If we can tap into the timeline sequence of these triggering or mediating effects, we can fix the underlying problems.
      I hope this is encouraging, and I applaud your courage to seek help !

    • #103359

      Perhaps the more important question is why your mother doesn’t respect your personal choice about the issue, nor accept as sufficient the explanation you give her, nor try to understand nor accept your personal feelings about it. It sounds to me like there is something more fundamental going on in your relationship with your mother, which has nothing to do with ADhD, such as her propensity to control how you feel or what you choose to do, or not do. Just an observation.


      • This reply was modified 3 years ago by jh.boise.
      • #103636

        Bbennet, JNahas, and b.boise: what insightful, helpful responses you have given on this forum! I am not the questioner, but I still feel that I have learned from your responses.

        I have struggled with depression for many years and was diagnosed with ADHD about 2 1/2 years ago. Since learning I have ADHD, I actually feel calmer because I am beginning to understand why I respond to life the way I do.

        Two “no I do not understand“ I can relate to your pain. Sometimes my own husband doesn’t understand my extreme sensitivity. I have found that even when I cannot control my emotions and reactivity, I can later sort it out and explain it to him. The work of Dr. Marsha Linehan on mood disorders has been very helpful to me. She has a manual that you can use which has exercises in it. The exercises concern how to handle various emotions, including anger, fear, frustration, sadness and others.

        I got this book as a result of being part of a cognitive behavioral training group. CBT as it is called can be very helpful in sorting out how/why do you respond to a certain situation in whatever manner you do so. To me, it seems like the emotional dysregulation of depression is also linked to my responses as a person with ADHD. When I can analyze the emotions after the wave is over it is easier for me to understand my behavior and try to change it in the future.

        I hope this is helpful to you and that you are able to look up cognitive behavioral therapy. It turned the key for me, to help me gain a happier, more peaceful life and better relationships with those people I love the most. Take care and keep trying. Don’t give up, you are not alone.

    • #103582

      I don’t visit graves because for me the people are not there. Putting my beliefs aside, the people who we lost will all stay in our memories. And that’s what matters the most.
      I’m also switching off my emotions A LOT. It helped me through some quite tough times. The only problem is that now it is going autopilot sometimes and I’m hiding me feelings so much that even I don’t know what is going on. And the biggest problem that I’ve noticed about switching off is that after a while it bursts out somehow. I’ve lost my mom when I was 17 and my brother-in-law committed suicide. Just yesterday I was thinking how I passed by his house two freaking times on the week that he died. It’s killing me to think I could have done something.
      Anyway I also try to isolate myself from situations which trigger my memories. But I’m also trying to process these traumatic experiences. My method is remembering and after a while it won’t hurt. It sounds easy but it is really not.
      I do not know your mom but maybe she thinks that going to the grave will somehow help you to process the loss. Because sometimes it’s good to face it. But who I am to speak because I haven’t seen my mother’s grave since her ashes were buried.

    • #103583

      I don’t visit graves either. I do not even visit funerals as I just can’t cope with the emotions. I guess this might have caused some troubles in my previous relationships with people, however, I talked about my emotions and explained it’s just too overwhelming for me.

      For me graves, funerals etc do not provide any emotional benefit, the memories are much more valuable to me. Neurotypicals may not understand this.

    • #103589

      There is NO drug to fix this. Only chemicals to help YOU manage. You will still feel emotions and fear. You will still need to face fears.

      Your pain is real.

      Your mother probably does understand Becuase ADHD runs in families. She probably has had to learn how to handle her own emotions.

      I am 47. I have ALWAYS had ADHD. No one knew it was a thing when i was little. So i was labeled “special” and abused by my own family.

      I have not had medication for adhd. I even DENIED it was real because every time i read symptoms i just thought “thats life”… It was not until 2 months ago that i was diagnosed SEVERE ADHD. I couldnt even believe it. I always just thought i was a total ding dong and that everyone was right. I am just a stupid waste. I spent my life abusing myself by repeating everything they said to me.

      I have had NO CHOICE but to learn how to hold back else it came with beatings. I left abuse 8 months ago.

      Im actually quite good at stoicism at my age. When i was younger not so much. I blew off like a firecracker.

      Again… Don’t discredit mom when she says she understands. She just had to deal with life differently and has had many more years of practice.

      If you are looking for an easy quick fix… There is NOT ONE. A pill is not going to fix this. Its a neurologic disorder. Your brain literally is different. But its not incapable of learning a new thing. Its NOT EASY with ADHD to learn. But we do and can learn.

      The key is do you want to take the hard road and move forward in life or stay on the circular path doing the same things?

      For me… Im ready to get off this tired circle train. Its hard as heck. Im making myself go to therapy. Just leaving the house to go takes every bit of who i am. I have agoraphobia OCD C-PTSD and ADHD… So yeah i actually do relate to your frustrations.

      I want to try as hard as i can to fix my heart pains so my head pains can relax.

    • #103590

      Ps. I do not “do funerals” because funerals are for the living not the dead. Once im dead thats just BIOLOGICAL debris. My “self” isnt in there.

    • #103595

      Don’t feel bad about your choice everyone grieves different. I too cannot visit my father s grave just the thought disturbs me. They don’t understand our emotions are much stronger and when they only get upset for a few minutes can last days for us. If people don’t understand just ignore them you have too. If they think you are cold and uncaring, they will see in time that they you are the exact opposite.

    • #103602

      Without getting nasty, at a calm time, tell your mother exactly what you feel using specific language. Every time you talk to her, try to imagine what she might be “hearing” beside your words. Try to hear just her words without her tone of voice or facial expression. What is she saying? What is occurring in her listening of you?

      When you know what she hears, if that’s different from what you say, you will know how to address it. It’s even possible that you form a new understanding of each other that either makes you feel differently about the cemetery or gets your mother to stop asking and attacking you over your refusal.

      Good luck!

    • #103625

      You are correct, your mother does not know what you feel.she is under the common belief that behaviors and feelings are appropriate for all “normal” people and you are “normal” she assumes you do and feel a a predictable way. I assume this dynamic you mention has been going on a long time. Unfortunately you, too, are at risk for judging your actions and feelings using this same model. This constant struggle is hurtful. If sadness is expected and I’m not sad there is something wrong with me. I learn not to trust my feelings, or feel shame for not measuring up.

      Many of us “Neuro-atypicals struggle with this internal and external invalidation. Quite a set-up for problems in all areas of life. It is a set up for abusive relationships. One common tactic of abusers is to keep their victim from identifying the abuse. After all if the victim can’t trust their feelings they can’t know if the pain is real or not.

      Please trust yourself. Your feelings are your guide to reality.

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