September 15, 2019 at 6:17 pm #127690
I’m 33…just diagnosed and struggling a lot with the diagnosis. When I went through the testing, I was expecting to feel relief afterwards once I had an answer – regardless of what the diagnosis was. But instead, I almost feel worse in a lot of ways. I was given a bunch of information about ADHD to read after I received my diagnosis, and as I read through it, I feel more and more damaged and hopeless. I was prescribed adderall and when it’s active, it does help…but, in light of all of the new-to- me information I received, I’ve started paying attention to my thoughts, emotions, and behaviors in a different way…in some respects I’m more aware of them – which is simultaneously good and bad, because I know that being aware will help me to better manage things in the long run…but then every time I catch myself running around aimlessly trying to remember what I was doing, I notice it more than I used to in a sense …and get sooo frustrated with myself …with my brain.
I’m also just so upset with myself about the fact that I feel like I should have been much more aware before… I’ve always spent a lot of time trying to dissect my own mind and I felt like I knew myself so well but now I feel so unsure.
I’m upset with myself too because I feel like I’ve let my pride get in the way to the extent that I’ve denied myself honesty about my faults. I never wanted to admit how impulsive I really am. I’d always come up with so many reasons …err excuses even. Never wanted to admit just how much pain I’ve been in for so long…I always want to pretend it doesn’t get to me. I would have a meltdown and the next day pretend like I’m good, I’m over it.
I struggled so long dealing with Hyperfocus and obsessions to the point that it has really interfered with my quality of life and especially relationships.
I’m mad that I never took the time to educate myself on ADHD when my ex husband had it… I never made an honest effort to know about it and so I was unable to understand his actions as much as I was unable to understand my own…so we both ended up hurting each other way more than we might have, had I understood. I, like the majority of people, only knew ADHD in the stereotypical way…and I assumed it was something you could just manage with a little more willpower. That’s exactly what I’ve subconsciously attempted to do periodically throughout my life …when I’d fall into these obsessive, rigid phases…
I see all the grey areas in life but can never achieve balance. I go from one extreme to the other…either I can’t focus and my life falls apart because of it…or I get hyper focused and rigid and can’t relax or deviate from routinewith the fear I’ll fall apart again.
I start therapy on the 30th but I’m worried I’m just going to get obsessive about it and still be imbalanced.
I’ve got a great guy and fear losing him because I’m always just “too much”. That’s what I’ve always been told…too emotional, too intense, think too much…or I’m too “lazy” or too obsessed with perfection. Etc etc …and I could cope with people thinking that about me if I didn’t feel that way about myself…but I do and I have for so long ..
Idk…that’s where I’m at right now and just wanted to vent..
September 15, 2019 at 6:47 pm #127691
I felt like that too, and still much of the time. My ex husband was Adhd Hyperactivity, and cheated on me alot. I have Innatentive type. I too worry that my new boyfriend may get frustrated with me, but he has so far been very patient. I think others just need to know we are working to improve and manage our tendencies. He has seen me reading on this site, and it hasn’t scared him off. We have alot to offer and there is seldom a dull moment. Congratulations on finding out what’s been there all along. Putting a name to it can be the beginning to a more whole life.
September 16, 2019 at 10:12 am #127712
September 16, 2019 at 11:02 am #127719
Paul @ OzParticipant
I was diagnosed in December after being treated by around 12 Psychiatrist’s for Major Depression across 20 years (which is still there… grrrrrrrrrrr)
Everything instantly fell into place.. the good stuff but as we all know well, the dark and disappointing stuff came to the fore.
I see it like a grief period, where you go from being sad then across to angry and then back to sad again… rinse and repeat, with bits of denial scattered within. From experience it does eventually drop away.. It’ll never ever be somewhere in you mind, but as someone finally slapped me in the face with – we can not change the past.
If you do have an spouse/parter/friend, take them the journey to learn. They’ll find out (or likely already figure) so best to take the lead on this one. Support from family and friends is paramount.
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