May 31, 2018 at 4:31 pm #85341
This morning, I was diagnosed with ADHD after years and YEARS of suffering. You see, my story starts young. I had the symptoms, I had met the criteria and I struggled. As I grew older, (24 now!) my depression completely took over my life. Medication after medication, testing after testing and therapy session after therapy session; nothing seemed to help. I blamed it on my deployment, I blamed it on myself and I blamed others for this broken cycle I’ve been stuck in for so long. Ultimately, I was diagnosed with BPD.
I couldn’t get out of it, so I decided to start therapy again after I got out of the military and moved back home, thinking life would be better if I were closer to family. My first session and I had apparently alarmed my therapist who ordered the T.O.V.A test, letting me know there was a huge chance that this has been the overlying issue. I took the test this morning.
Results are back instantly and there it is. ADHD. Something I thought was just a minor disorder. Something I had never thought about affecting my life the way that it has. After the test, the psychologist broke it down (the results) and so did I (the tears).
She talked to me about my depression, my anxiety and how these are more common as underlyers with ADHD. What?! I never in my life would have thought about that. So, here I am. Typing this out because I’m mad. I am so deeply upset and sad and hurt and I feel more broken than ever.
Do you know why? Because I have struggled with life, for many many many years. At least 12 years, that I can clearly remember. I was in trouble in school all the time, I couldn’t pay attention. I genuinely can’t remember anything that I did last week, let alone a day ago. I was lashing out, impulsive and I still can’t sit still and focus on anything for more than 30 minutes at most.
Now, all I can do is sit here and think, “what if”? What if they had caught this when I was younger? Would life be different for me now? What if the military had properly diagnosed me just 4 years ago? Would I have been able to stop all of the hurt I caused myself and others?
The answer…I don’t know. I don’t know what it is and I don’t know where to find it. I guess, I’ll just keep taking the next steps to get this under control. To get back on track. To start actually living my life instead of sulking in a deep dark hole. I just really wanted to come somewhere to know I’m not alone and that how this result from today is affecting me, is normal.
I’ve cried a lot – something I haven’t done in MONTHS. We’re all human, but sometimes this shit really sucks!
Any suggestions, tips, stories are very warmly welcome. Please share your experiences with me. I’ll take anything I can get to be educated and to feel at peace with you all. Thank you.
- This topic was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Paige007. Reason: adhd, diagnosis, new to this
May 31, 2018 at 10:27 pm #85356is_shepherdParticipant
It is going to take a bit of time to process this new diagnosis and how your life was so terribly affected by the failure to diagnose correctly combined with being medicated incorrectly. It is a horrible thing to go through but you can survive this grief.
I am 60 years old and was just diagnosed a year ago. My life has been ruined by the incompetence of trusted professionals who should have known better.
I have learned as much as I can about ADHD, allowed myself to rage and despair over the what ifs. Now, I feel better than I ever have. I am struggling still to rebuild my life but I have some hope. Believe me. You have plenty of time to build yourself a wonderful new life.
All the best,
June 1, 2018 at 4:27 pm #85426
I really am so happy to hear that you are feeling better than you ever have. That gives me immense relief! Although, I cannot imagine how it is to be diagnosed with ADHD at 59, I feel as though it must have been just devastating in that moment. All of the pain, the struggles, the thousands of emotions!
I’ve been doing a lot of reading in the last 24 or so hours and learning about the disorder has really opened my eyes. I understand now, it’s okay to grieve and rage, like you said. I think a lot of us who are diagnosed as adults go through many similar emotions, like the fresh ones I have now.
I truly am appreciative of your response and want to thank you. You have given me hope and I know you are going to continue your life, living it to the fullest…and that’s all we can really ask for, something so simple that we have worked so hard for…something we deserve. I wish you all the best as you move forward – you’ve got many happy years ahead!
June 1, 2018 at 9:04 am #85371Penny WilliamsKeymaster
Many struggle with the emotions of an adult ADHD diagnosis. The insights in these articles can help you move forward.
ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Trainer & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism
June 1, 2018 at 4:30 pm #85427
Thank you so much for bringing those articles to my attention. It’s all amazing information that I desperately needed. I’m thankful to have the best spouse who’s been a great support system for me, so that really drills home in this instance.
June 1, 2018 at 10:43 am #85388ar.grayParticipant
I am a 21 year old female and finally diagnosed and medicated after MANY years of internal struggles and feeling lost and confused. You should be proud of yourself for taking this step.
I myself, had a lot of feelings when I did multiple self tests and read symptoms over and over again. The same questions flooded my mind: “would things have turned out differently if I had been diagnosed or medicated earlier?” “would I maybe not have failed that class?” etc etc.
Truth be told, beating yourself up and wondering what could have been will only hinder your journey into treatment and coping. I still fall back and get angry with myself because of past mistakes or past issues. It will take time but trust me, the validation and the support you will receive via online communities and competent doctors and people close to you will help you move in the right direction. I’m not going to sit here and say that everyone will be accepting and understanding or that you yourself won’t get frustrated when you see your ADHD coming out very severely sometimes, but like everything, learning and unlearning is a process.
Be kind to yourself, and patient as well. Surround yourself with people who understand and won’t make it harder for you. You deserve happiness.
Good luck with everything Paige,
June 1, 2018 at 4:39 pm #85429
I hope you’re proud of yourself as well! It sounds like our situations are similar, with the internal struggles and confusion and feeling lost – the close age. You do make a great point about the “what-ifs” hindering our journey though. It’s still all very surreal to me, and my brain just has this way of running with my thoughts – so I’m still angry and sad about it all. I know that as the weeks continue on, and I find the right treatment/medication things will get better.
I’m glad I decided to post on here, because I can already feel the acceptance, and I’m lucky to have a great support system in my family and friends. Thank you for replying to this. It’s good to know that you have or are finding your path. I very much appreciate your warm words and I too, wish you all the best on this really crazy journey we get to call life.
June 1, 2018 at 4:03 pm #85418Daylyn33Participant
I am 48 years old and was just diagnosed a couple of months ago. I completely understand your struggles and grief. I quite often ask myself “what if I had been diagnosed as a child, or even a couple of decades ago” and am bitter towards my parents, doctors, and really anyone throughout my life who I sought help from that didn’t give it to me.
Instead of playing the “blame game”, I am attempting, with the help of a counsellor, to move forward instead of looking back. This is not an easy road to take, what with trying to learn how to manage my ADD and personal life, but I do feel tiny little baby steps of accomplishment sometimes.
Good luck to you, Paige, I hope you continue to update us.
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