New to dating a guy with ADD, confused

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    • #119659

      I am a 38 year old woman dating a 32 old man. We have been dating for the last 9 months. He has ADD and does take adderall. However, he also abuses pot, alcohol and xanax. He has no job and sleeps on friends couches. He is very erratic about responding to texts. Will frequently make plans with me and then ditch me without any communication. He will go days without contacting me or responding to a text. He does have his good moments. He is sweet, kind, supportive and affectionate. I would say there is definitely a pattern of behavior. Most recently he ignored my texts for days. I did call him out on that (nicely) and told him that the silence kills me and that I like him and being with him but he needed to decide if he wants to continue to date me or end it. He responded with an apology. He said he was dealing with family issues (though I believe he tells white lies sometimes to get out of trouble) and that he likes me and is sorry and wants to continue to date me. He wanted to meet in person to talk. I agreed and we set up a time the next day. However he did not meet me nor did he call. We were supposed to meet Monday night and I have not heard from him. I have not reached out either. My question is, is this the ADD or is a just a jerk? Should I try to reach out and try to continue the relationship or give up? Sorry lost and sad

    • #119677

      Maybe I have been lucky, and my experience is atypical. So please consider that when reading.

      My ADD spouse never stood me up. He’s texted me if there were issues–bus breakdowns, migraines, and all that. He was legitimately, and is legitimately, an honest and caring person. And sure, once or twice he did just space things. But he would remember and communicate with me. We’d reschedule. I would make our plans flexible, and have a backup activity for if it were “just me”.

      You mentioned your date abuses alcohol and Xanax as well as marijuana. He’s got no job, and no place he really lives. He won’t text you or show up on dates.

      I don’t think the behaviour you’re describing is “just ADD”. It honestly sounds like serious substance abuse.

      Common behavioural traits of a substance abuser:
      1. They LIE. (Often continually.)
      2. They manipulate.
      3. They’re likely to engage in criminal acts to feed their addiction.
      4. Blame shifting – usually onto their romantic partner or other caretaker.
      5. Abusive behaviours – again, usually onto their romantic partner or other caretaker.

      You can’t change an addict or addict’s behavior, no matter how hard you try.
      You can’t rescue them. (Codependency is a real trap.)

      It’s definitely up to you to do what’s best for you. I don’t know what that is, but I trust that deep down you do.

    • #119679

      Thank you so much Blue_Willow for responding and giving me some insight. I hear what you are saying. I struggle because I know that he has a good job and owned a place in the past. I know that he has had long term relationships. I see the potential. I want to be sympathetic to his situation, but, whether or it’s conscious or not, he seems to be taking advantage of that. My head says to end it. My heart says give one more chance.

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