New here; ex-wife is not very understanding

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    • #168127

      I’m new here and have ADHD. This is only my second post so if I write something stupid, I’m sorry. Anyway, I have an non-ADHD ex-wife who I was divorced from about five years ago. We have a custody arrangement in which I and my ex decide on (in theory) major decisions by trying to reach an agreement. My ex has full physical custody but, I got to see my 12 year old her every Tue, Thurs, and every other weekend. We’ve pretty much stuck to that schedule and we have got along more than not over the years. However, when we do have arguments, it seems like they are generally over visitation time (like during breaks). If it’s not, it seems like it tends to be over something she wants to nitpick about. Oddly enough, she tends to “flip out” every 6 months are so. There are a lot of potential reasons for this. However, I’ll just avoid delving into her issues (which she expects me to be completely understanding about but, acts like she is Ms. Perfect when I make a mistake). Anyway, I need to do a revised parenting plan. She has also interfered with visitations on multiple ocasions (conversely, I’ve never missed a child support payment although those two really aren’t related). I feel upset when she will unilatterally try and change the schedule without even a decent amount of time. I’ve had to deal with her being manipulative, including guilt trips and passive aggressive behavior. I’ve really had enough. She obviously doesn’t think she has to abide by the divorce decree. However, I’ve been holding off (procrastinating) for years because, I feel afraid of conflict and courts, and I am far from wealthy and I don’t want to deeal with this, on my own. What is maddening is that she likes to project a lot, meaning that if she makes a mistake, she will try and twist it around and make it as though it was me. Sometimes, I don’t know if she has issues going on that effect her memory (there are possible causes), or if this is just part of her hurtful game (concerned about my daughter more than myself). My guess is that she is just following a pattern of being untruthful. Past behavior is usually the best predictor of past behavior and that would be consistent. Then, she will act like someone who is reasonable and doesn’t have the above issues for months. It seems like it may be partially because of her stress levels. It’s just odd she can be “normal” most of the time and then become like a different person. I haven’t taken her to court because, I struggle with procrastination. It’s almost like I think it will “just get better” knowing it will happen again deep down.

      Now with COVID-19, I’ve had some symptoms that would be mild if I do or did have it. So, out of an abundance of caution, I’ve not seen my daugher for a couple of weeks. Now things are locked down and while I could probably pick my daughter up I feel worried about still giving it to her (if I have it) or my ex wife who takes medication that affects her immune system. We had a big argument over an iPad she is selling me because, she changed the agreement. But, I don’t want to even talk about that right now with her because, it’s just an object (even though the principle of the matter is important). I’m like this is the worst time to talk about it But, it seems like she is trying to focus her anger towards me about a subject that she can handle right now (non COVID-19 related). So, anyway… I’m not sure when I’m going to see my daughter in the near future. I miss her after not seeing for a day not to mention weeks. Anyway, I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow with my gp so maybe I’ll find out if I have it or not. Since, there are possible alternate explanations for the symptoms, I’m concerned but, not terrified. Anyway, I hope I didn’t write too much.

      I hope this is somewhat coherent. I apologize for any typos since, I really can’t focus on re-reading this right now. I feel rather overwhelmed (as many people are). I don’t really have any questions unless anybody has some advice.


    • #168291
      Penny Williams

      Health comes first, so distancing if you have symptoms is wise. After the pandemic has lifted and everyone gets a little relief from the stress and anxiety, try meeting to sit down and revisit and revise the co-parenting agreement — not the custody agreement but the day-to-day issues that are troubling you.

      ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Coach & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

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