April 28, 2019 at 8:24 am #115137
Hi, I’m new to the forum. I’ve never done anything like this before so please bear with me.
I just really want to reach out and to talk to people who are struggling and who actually understand me and to hopefully get some advice.
I got diagnosed towards the end of last year I’m
coming up for the 32 so this has all been a huge change but it also has helped make sense of my behaviours and helped explain why everything has ended up in such a mess!
I’m currently living in a constant dread that I’m going to lose my current partner who I love so so much. Every other relationship has ended the same way so Its almost like I’m counting it down in my mind which is incredibly unhelpful and unproductive.
I put so much pressure on it not failing and set these ridiculous expectations that just create anxiety and doubt which results in being counter productive and ends up damaging the relationship.
I’m struggling to get my emotions in order and struggling to control my outbursts. We argue all the time and it generally comes back to me “not changing or doing anything I said I’d do”
I’m jealous, intense and acting really needy which I hate!! I want to change so badly but I can’t seem to figure out any coping strategies for stress or for not saying what I’m thinking (which most times I don’t even mean) my intense behaviours are pushing my girlfriend away and I can see it all happening in front of me.
Can anyone help? I’m taking medication and I’ve started talk therapy but I’ve only done one session. I also started meditating about 2 weeks ago which I’m finding very hard!
I know it’s a long tough road ahead but I’m open to any help and advice.
Thanks in advance
April 29, 2019 at 7:06 am #115333
My best friend and I have known each other for 13 years and survived all of each other’s crazy outbursts in between although he has a really short fuse, but we make an effort to work it because we acknowledge that the other person is important and outbursts only stress out the other person. Everyone has crazy outbursts at some point in life because they are human.
It may take a while, but here are some methods that may help you.
1) Try to create some internal jokes about outbursts to diffuse it.
Whenever my other guy friend start yelling in his car on the way to work together at 7.30am, I need to tell him that we’re not having a rock concert in the car and he needs to focus on driving otherwise both of us are going to heaven really quickly if his car crash into something.
Most short fused people I know tend to have high blood pressure, so I would tell them to be careful and don’t dig their own graves. They became more careful about it so their outbursts reduced.
2) Spend some time with your girlfriend and friends.
Maybe plan some relaxing activities like movie nights, dinner out, barbeque or potluck where everyone do something. When you do things you guys enjoy, with your girlfriend around, it may reduce the clinginess.
3) Exercise before sleeping.
I usually tell myself, ok, no matter what shit things happened or shit things I did today, I will still do my push ups etc seriously and switch off all negative stuff when I’m exercising. I think building muscles make me feel more confident about myself because I can do the hard stuff no matter what. Sometimes I watch youtube videos about people’s workout journey to inspire myself because it’s also my personal goal to be fitter and stronger.
I think meditation is pretty boring so I usually clear my mind when I exercise.
Maybe if you think about things from a perspective of doing something you like every day, like listening to your favorite songs or doing something small you enjoy, improving yourself in some way (language, skills, exercise) it would make things easier for yourself compared to ‘getting your emotions in order’ or trying to become the most good natured person on earth.
Also, a relationship , work etc may be important parts of your life but it’s also important to take care of yourself in some way.
April 29, 2019 at 1:02 pm #115438
Can I just firstly say that when I read your reply I had this instant feeling of pressure taken off of me. I’ve never spoken to anyone with ADHD before so I’m so glad I’ve signed up to this forum. It was like an instant weight lifted from my chest. So thank you!
I think you’ve suggested some really good stuff. I think hanging out with my gf and her friends would immediately take the clinginess away. I feel things have been shakey with her recently so being more involved in her life helps stabilise my mental health and decreases the worry. No one likes a clingy partner! I hate that side of me.
I do exercise a lot actually I find it definitely helps me destress and gives me something to focus on. It’s incredible how beneficial it is for ADHD to exercise regularly.
Any inspiring videos you would recommend watching?
I don’t exercise right before bed I usually do it before work but I could try to do some lighter exercise before bed to see if that helps.
I like the idea of defusing the intensity of the outburst situation by creating humour. I know my girlfriend would like that. I’ll have a think of the best ones to try.
Thanks so much
May 6, 2019 at 8:13 am #115853
Here’s a good inspirational video about dealing with self doubt and working with your limitations.
Some more tips from personal experience :
1) Most of my friends who tend to have outbursts are very quick to react , think and express what they feel or think.
I would encourage them to use these quick reactions/thinking positively by helping them to focus it on quickly thinking of solutions. They are actually much smarter than me, so I think if they spent less time yelling and more time working on solutions, there won’t be anything to yell about, right?
2) In times when you feel personally frustrated and accidentally act like an asshole around someone you really care about, like your girlfriend, take a moment to thank the person for being patient with you and maybe you need a break to sort out your thoughts/emotions. Drink some water or something.
After you have calmed down, maybe write a list of 5-10 minute things you can do to improve the relationship by building trust and showing appreciation.
1) Building trust – If she mention that you don’t do the things you say you do, is there a reason why you didn’t do it? Maybe you felt obligated to say yes because she’s your girlfriend but you may have overcommitted yourself (eg you’ve been working overtime and didn’t have time to do it) , so maybe try to analyze what kind of things you didn’t do, why and also whether you should say yes to those things again if she ask. If you have problems remembering things, maybe just do one thing at a time.
Do something that would make you a more reliable person within your time constraints, comfort zone, and limits. Eg if you are a more practical person, you can ask her if she would like some advice for some issue she is facing at work or other things. Or if you can’t resolve it, maybe you know someone who can help give advice or recommendations. Alternatively, if you do want to help her but don’t have the time, maybe you can ask her how you can finish something else quickly so that you can help her.
If she expects you to do romantic things but you’re not the romantic kind of guy, I guess it’s ok to show her that you care in your own way.
My guy friends are honestly bad with follow up kind of tasks so they would offer to do other things they actually do (eg carrying heavy stuff) or suggest how I can do it myself. Eg if I was looking for a place to rent in Melbourne but my friend has only lived in Brisbane, he would give some tips on what to look out for when renting a place so that I can check it when I search online.
Likewise, I have a very short attention span so I am more likely to do things on the spot that takes a few minutes, like helping my guy friends choose clothes, cooking, review their reports.
Have an honest chat about what both of you want to work towards in your relationship and what you can do. You don’t have to give a solution immediately, maybe just highlight some things and think about it in the next few weeks.
Some of my friends are not aware when they get too emotional, so I need to tell them firmly that it’s stressing me out and to ‘time out’. Maybe you can try to analyze your trigger point or trigger words that make you really upset and also inform your girlfriend to minimize using those words like ‘you never change’ because it seems like you are trying but things backfire on you somehow. You probably didn’t mean to hurt her and it hurts you when she says things like that, so maybe try to do something different about it. It’s also good to know the breaking point when you are burnt out from trying too hard and just need to relax.
2) Showing appreciation – If your girlfriend has arranged something for a date like picking a movie or dinner place, say something positive about it. Eg I really enjoyed the movie because …. / The dessert at this place is really nice, thanks for recommending it. You are really good at looking for great restaurants, I look forward to your recommendation next time. It’s really sincere when you say it in person and be specific without being too flowery (which most guys hate).
Or a simple ‘thank you for your time today although you are busy/tired’, treating her to something she would appreciate if she had a bad week. It doesn’t have to be expensive, maybe brunch at a café that plays nice music or a small picnic with fruits at a park. not sure if groupon coupons work in your area, but there are some discounts for activities online that you can join together whenever you’re free.
When you make your partner happy, I think you will naturally be happier as well and more confident about yourself and the relationship. Not sure what you get jealous about, but even if you’re not the best guy in the world, your partner chose you. Doesn’t that show how important you are? The fact that she is still with you shows that she still cares about you even if she gets pissed off. In case you need a reminder, ask her what she likes about you. Maybe you have some strengths you overlook.
The best relationships are able to stay strong despite all kinds of hurdles so don’t feel too bad when things are not going well. It takes time and effort to improve things, maybe start small every week. Do something that takes 5 min – 1 hour and build it up from there.
Spending more time thinking about how to improve the relationship would really help more than worrying about losing it. Whenever you get stressed, focus on the top 1-3 things you can do right now.
May 7, 2019 at 12:40 am #116076
Try to put all your problems and thoughts on paper. Having written them all, you will see that they are repeated or something that you have not seen before, collect them on one sheet and write solutions to each one separately, the more the better and move forward.
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