September 6, 2018 at 11:53 am #98341
Its been a very long haul,a lot of sleepless nights, frustration, sadness, tears and just plain old miserableness. I could ramble on for hours but I dont think anyone here wants to read that epic story. But from what I have read here I know I am not alone, just feels like it. So my son is 13yrs old. If I had to describe him I would use the words stubborn, lazy, selfish to name a few. He basically is very happy, as long as he doesnt have to do anything. He would rather never leave the couch, watch tv, play Minecraft and eat. He spent the entire summer on the couch. As his parents of course that drives us crazy but to him he is in his glory. School now thats another story, he couldnt care less about school, never does homework, never studies, never reads a book. He refuses to do basically anything school related. And he is in grade 8!!! It wasnt always this way but over the last 3 yrs it has gotten worse. But to go back in time at an early age he was diagnosed with ADHD, he was hyper, wild, couldnt sit still, couldnt keep his hands to himself, couldnt sit still in his desk and spent alot of time in the hallway. Those were the days. So at age 6 he was put on ADHD meds, it was hard at first, of course at that age he became quieter, calmer, but he lacked appetite and was zombie like at the beginning. But as time went on he became easier, but the side effects were there. As he continued on especially in school he became defiant, if there was something he didnt want to do he didnt do it. But over a year ago my wife and i decided that the meds really didnt do anything. He was the same kid on his meds and off his meds because we took him off his meds in the summer time. There was no difference. The wild hyper child was gone and an older calmer but more defiant child developed. Defiant not in any violent kind of way, he is not a bully of any kind, he just see’s the world differently. Like taking French in school, perfect example, he refuses to do anything in French because he see’s French as something that he doesnt need in his life, that may true but most kids accept that and just do it. Not my son. He is also OCD, likes routine, likes order, everything has to be the same, nothing moved, it used to be cute not so much anymore. We have tried taking him to see therapists but he refuses to speak to them. Its hard to find answers when you dont express yourself. My wife and I are just mentally exhausted, we want the best for him, he is so smart in many ways but so child like in other ways. We could use some help!
September 6, 2018 at 1:14 pm #98349
I feel your pain. My son is only 6 and sounds very similar to your son. I was a hyper kid but I could focus and sit still. My child can sit- but his mind is somewhere else.
We are here to support each other. One day at a time. Get him to do one thing. Something is better than nothing. I have learned that having a good relationship gets mw somewhere with my older child (who is very strong headed and procrastinates)
One task at a time.
Each day is a new day.
The ADD wants us to give up.
To get tired and let go of our children.
Be there. Very patiently.
It is a challenge.
For all of us(some of us tolerate less than others)
September 6, 2018 at 4:26 pm #98371
First, take a deep breath and know that this is a process.
I challenge you to change the language you use to describe your son’s behavior. You said, “stubborn, lazy, selfish” — those are what I call red flag words. They are words that, when spoken, mean you need to stop yourself and check your thoughts.
For instance, kids with ADHD often appear lazy and selfish. However, it has everything to do with the differences in their brains.
I’m not saying this isn’t hard or frustrating — it is — but imagine how even more so it must be for our kids.
Remember that a kid with ADHD is 2-3 years behind their peers in many developmental areas. Your expectations have to reflect where they are, not their calendar age. That’s crucial because, once kids can’t succeed and meet expectations long enough, they quit trying altogether.
As for school, it’s torture for most kids with ADHD. The system is set up to expect full performance in all their typical areas of weakness.
Lastly, I’m wondering if your son has been evaluated for autism. You described 2-3 things that reminded me of my own son and his autistic traits. It’s worth investigating. Kids with “high-functioning” autism often look like they have a mood disorder or ODD, when really they’re just struggling with concrete thinking, stuck thoughts, and only being able to see one way of doing things.
ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Trainer & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism
September 6, 2018 at 6:38 pm #98382
I agree with ADHDmomma…
1. Have you ever walked into a room and felt tension or negative vibes in the air? Those red flag words are likely reflected in the feelings in whatever room you are in or the rooms where conflicts frequently occur.
2. Do not (please!) ever say, “I/We love you, but _______.” The only thing someone being ganged up on by angry/frustrated adults (even if the person being talked at is an adult) is “But…” The “I love you” part is interpreted as “Yeah, right. Nothing I ever do is right, enough, appreciated…”
3. I forget the statistic or where I read it, but for some of us, we get about 10 insults/beratements/criticisms for 1 positive comment. I think I’m understating the #s. So who knows how long it takes to recover from that even if communication styles change immediately??
I used to think that once I moved out and never heard another criticism again that it would take as long to “get over” the negativity as it was lived through. That doesn’t happen. There’s too many errors to make, too many behaviors that need to be addressed (even with the best therapy). It doesn’t even take twice the time. Say I moved out at 18 and tried to get to normal (but “they” never did) so 18×3=54. I’m almost 54 and still hear “you’re unlovable” in my head. I never wanted to talk to them again, but they are family, be that as it may. So I keep to myself and don’t share more than I want to, and am then criticized for that!
It takes a lot of energy when you are an adult, much less a child/teen, to keep your sanity in stressful situations. TV and video games allow you to almost forget the world for a while. Not that those are the greatest “escapes”, but they are something that isn’t focused on his behavior.
September 6, 2018 at 7:45 pm #98383
You have just described my son! I saw an article on a condition I had never heard of but immediately knew knew that was the correct diagnosis. He has itADHD, but also has Oppositional Defiance dis- Disororder. When you look that up, you will
Immediately breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that you are not imagining these symptoms. It is treatable. My son turns 18 on Saturday and will earn his eagle scout rank. He is quite a remarkable young man. There is hope, ask his doctor for help.
September 10, 2018 at 12:46 pm #98859
I have a 7 year old son with ADHD and takes
Concetta. Our situation is similar in many ways.
I think ADHD kids suffer from lack of social skills to make and keep friends, and their stubborn and oppositional behavior is reactionary toward feeling low self esteem and lonely. I feel that social rejection has a negative impact on their behavior and nothing we can do to change people judging them. I also worry about being a target for bullying.
September 10, 2018 at 2:50 pm #98873
We as a parent loves our kids, Just remember that we are not alone despite of what happening in our son. Give your best, support and love and understand his situation. Meds, sometimes not perfect, but for me , it will be a great help for them considering the side effects. if there is no choice, go with meds, but make sure it is a safe drug. Same with my son, he has a conduct disorder, he is disrespectful, he says he, wants me to die, saying some bullshit words, kicking me, punching me, shouting me at all. but despite of that, Ive understand his situation. he don’t want to be him like that. he is suffering, and he needs help. pray us to God. hope they will be ok……………
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