May 22, 2018 at 4:34 pm #84703
Hi, my son is ADD inattentive, school has always been a massive struggle for him despite medication and coaching, but recently he seemed to be on track and I thought for the first time in years, wow I can finally relax. We live in France where it takes 3 years to get a bachelor’s degree, and after a few false starts he got through 2 1/2 years. This is his final semester, and he is required to do a work placement in a foreign country. He chose Russia (yes!), has been there for two months already and seems to be thriving, has made friends and loves the place he works. HOWEVER, I just learned that he never submitted any of the necessary paperwork to the university to get the placement approved, they thought he had dropped out of school and had no idea he had gone off to Russia. I had asked him several months ago if the paperwork was done and he said it was, got very angry and told me not to interfere, so I backed off. Sigh.
I advised him to contact the university and see if they can work something out, but I suspect it will be difficult…French bureaucrats are very rigid, and he had a number of run-ins with them already (excessive absences, work not handed in, etc.)
I am trying very hard to stay on the sidelines and let him experience the consequences, but he is still so immature, instead of admitting he did anything, his immediate reaction was, “They hate me, they’re mean, they’ll never help me.” He also stated that it wasn’t worth getting a degree anyway, so why bother? it’s all so frustrating!
May 23, 2018 at 7:55 am #84731
That sounds very frustrating. It’s hard to watch our kids struggle and know they won’t let us help them.
It’s probably best to ask how you can help him, and then do what he offers and step back and let it be. I know that’s so much easier for me to say than for anyone to do. It sounds clearly like he wants to be in charge of himself right now.
Remember, ADHD is a developmental disability and executive functions are far from fully developed at 22 (takes until around 30 for those with ADHD I’ve read). Your 22-year-old is probably functioning in many ways as an 18-year-old at best.
He sounds adventurous (going to a new country on his own), and I think that will pay off someday. 😉
ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Trainer & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism
January 25, 2019 at 7:57 am #107532
Hi, it’s been a long time since I posted here, but I just wanted to say thank you, Penny — and you were so right about my son, he is doing REALLY well now. He did manage (with a lot of help from me) to complete the necessary paperwork to get credit for his internship, and has now graduated and found a good job in his chosen field. I don’t ask a lot of questions, but from what I can see he is happy and doing very well at work. Whewwwww! He’s also behaving much more responsibly at home … managing his money is still an issue, but he’s making progress there also. There may still be some bumps in the road ahead, but I am so, so grateful for the support I received on this forum.
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