Need some analysis for a friend. Please help

Home Welcome to the ADDitude Forums For Spouses & Loved Ones Need some analysis for a friend. Please help

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    • #88576
      hdsteger1
      Participant

      I am writing this today after a 20 year struggle of confusion I have with a friend of mine. Yes, it is a friend and not me. I am pretty much easy going, simple, go with the flow, no clutter in my life, happy person.
      We will call my friend Bob. I met Bob at work about 20 years ago and we went for drinks after work one day and developed a friendship. Bob is let’s say, complicated. I am 47, Bob is 54. I am single, Bob, married, no kids, but his wife has two grown adult children, 20ish. Neither of which have jobs, They live the thug life so to speak but Bob is powerless to do anything about it and his wife doesn’t see a problem with it. But this is about Bob. Bob tends to go above and beyond on everything, in a difficult way. We planned a cruise a few years ago to the Caribbean and a stop in Mexico. This was a two year ordeal of planning, everything has to be just right, the pricing, the dates , the itinerary, everything including the route to the cruise terminal to park. To me, I can plan a cruise in a week and be off with my bag and that’s that. Bob brought along4 suitcases with everything one could imagine including food and knives and IV bags to administer IV’s to people in the shore excursions to people that became dehydrated. I explained to him the ship provides food, drink etc. The shore excursions are guided with plenty of chances for concessions and there is no need for all that stuff he was bringing, but he insisted and his things were confiscated at the security checkpoint. We get on the cruise, he has everyones itinerary planned from the time we are to get up in the morning to what we are to order at the formal dining room, down to the minute. Talk about a grueling trip. Bob is former military and can be a little rough. Well, he was in the ROTC in 1980 in high school and was in the National Guard for 6 months, he never saw combat. I believe the biggest adventure he had was firing machine guns in Utah. But he dresses the part and acts the part of someone who has had a military career for 30years mostly.
      Bob likes hobbies. In the past 20 years Bob has had many hobbies, Bowling, Drag Racing, Fishing both fresh water and saltwater, Airbrushing, Model Cars, Radio Controlled cars, Hockey, Archery, Hunting, Guns, Gun Smithing, Bullet making, cooking, Competition BBQing, Competition Glock pistol shooting, Skydiving, Painting, Masonry, Bartending, Writing, Woodworking, DJing, Border Collie dog competitions, Fishing fly tieing, Boating. There are others …When he finds a hobby , he goes all in. For example, Hunting leads to guns, leads to a truck, leads to clothing, hunting equipment, tree stands, hunting tent, hunting tools to skin the deer, special custom scents, custom tables and knives, custom cooking equipment to cook the meat, every and anything you can imagine to purchase to hunt, almost as if he had his own TV show. He will hunt for a couple months, not kill anything and just as fast as the hobby comes, it disappears, all of the equipment goes to the back of this large garage he had constructed, which is packed with forgotten hobby equipment. Bullet making required thousands of dollars in a machine to make bullets, the ingriedents to make bullets and after a month or so of being embedded making bullets, poof, no more, all of the equipment to the garage graveyard. Boating, spent 6 months researching a boat to go fishing, bought a boat, every accessory to outfit the boat, thousands of dollars spent. We went fishing in the boat twice and that was that. The boat sits in his backyard covered in weeds. Camping, bought a camper, went camping once and the camper is in the back yard covered in weeds.
      One may ask where Bob gets the funds, Bob is maxed out on credit cards and loans and Bob makes 30k a year. Bob has Champagne tastes on a beer budget. Bob goes to the extreme. I love deep sea fishing. We live about 300 miles from the Gulf of Mexico where we can fish in Destin, Florida. I go deep sea fishing about 3 times a year in the summer and fall. I for one will decide a week ahead to go, call the dock, have them line me up a reservation, pack a bag and stay at a nice Marriott, go fisning and come home. I show up to the dock with my money, sunscreen a couple of bottles of water in a cooler and that’s it. Bob on the the other hand needs at least 6 months notice to go. I am not sure why because his wife does not care anymore and is oblivious to anything he does it seems. Bob will plan the driving route, the amount of food and beverages needed on the boat, which will include 3 huge cooolers full of food and beverages which means a constant challenge to buy ice and lug these things around. Bob will want to sleep in his truck or a roach motel. Bob does not know how to just chill. He is like a little rat that just has to go go go . Bob and me will show up to the dock like idiots with all of this equipment we do not need. It is a big hassle to go fishing with Bob. Bob also likes to announce he is there to fish to anyone and everyone who will listen. He loves attention. I will not go into detail about his Facebook account because that will take days. Bob will get of the fishing boat and continue to announce aloud to anyone who will listen about his fish and why he is there. I want to tell Bob that no one cares because 75% of the people at the dock in Destin are there to do the same thing. We once went to the Indy 500, yes and yes and yes and he had to tell everyone in Indy why he was there from the restaurant personnel to the hotel clerks. Well, most everyone is there for the Indy 500 Bob, nobody cares about Bob but Bob doesn’t know this.
      Bob likes to be difficult and extreme. Instead of a decent hotel , Bob will stay in a rat trap. Instead of a decent restaurant, Bob will cook in a parking lot out of his truck tailgate. Bob doesn’t know how to relax. I don’t know how much longer I can handle Bob. When I try to talk to Bob about something I did or want to do , Bob is easily distracted, he drifts off. If Bob gets a phone call, he is impossible to interrupt from the phone call. You can yell, scream, send smoke signals, shoot a gun, Bob gets in a zone on the phone. I am not kidding.
      I could go on and on. I have read lots of things as to what Bob’s problem may be. Can it be ADHD, ADD, Asbergers, Autism, Early Dementia? His Dad died from Alzheimers. Is Bob just bored in life? Why is Bob never satisfied? When we travel together, he will not and refuses to stop at a fast food drive thru and just eat in the car while driving. He has to stop at a sit down meal and be served and of course share details with other customers and restaurant staff as to why he is there. I wish Bob would chill, relax.
      One more thing concerning Bob and his hobbies. He orders most everything online for his hobbies. UPS Delivers most things. When Bob sees the UPS truck it’s like a drug addict getting a fix. Bob has at least $5000 in steel targets and Glock pistols and clothing he spent to shoot in competitions but never entered a competition, however he has the stuff to do it. When I mention selling this stuff, he freaks out. His wife hoards. She picks up junk off the side of the road and tries to rehab it but never does. Their house is filled with junk. Neither of them will throw away so much as a glass jar. I have been doing my own experiment just to see what Bob will accept. I will take meaningless ,useless junk to him and he will save it, in a pile. I have taken shoe boxes, jars, broken golf clubs, burned up pots and pans to him just to see if he will throw it away but no, it finds a home. I gave him a black and white tv 20 year ago. That tv still sits in the spare bedroom on the floor where he put it 20 years ago. If Bob and his wife pass away, there is going to be one heck of an estate sale.
      Can someone help me diagnose Bob?

    • #88673
      JBoom
      Participant

      Only a trained professional can diagnose someone. And the only person who can change someone is themselves.

      The only two things you can do is 1) Tell Bob what changes you’d like to see in him. 2) Decide whether or not you can accept Bob for who Bob wants to be after responding.

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