Tagged: adult ADHD
May 26, 2020 at 6:48 pm #172738attagirlParticipant
I am a 40 woman, who has been diagnosed multiple (formal) times with ADHD (beginning at age 5 – 35) and have taken a stimulate (off and on) since I was 13. Now, for my REAL question from those I hope can understand me and give me the most reasonable advice and support:
As of May 26, 2020: I feel angrier and angrier with each passing day as my patience has worn off with all the unbalance, instability, and unknown nature of the state of the country (world). No one I am friends with feels likes talking to me on the phone anymore,(or texting other than a “like”) including my husband. I can’t stand social media, so, that does not provide any support. My kids are the BEST,however, I feel as though I am not at my best for them with each passing day. I know my husband, family and friends love me dearly, but unfortunately, they are all “emotionally drained/uninterested” in my “cyclical, serious, repetitive conversations (and behaviors). Everything seems to make me mad right now and I feel as though I am exacerbating the isolation I am experiencing from peers. I find myself just reading obsessively any “science” journal’s article about the damn Coronavirus and associated topics. We did lose our fist son (at 6 months old) to Septic Shock after a very complicated surgery (stemming from Childhood Cancer), so, this has been especially triggering and I can feel myself a lot lately entering into “existential crisis mode” – which is truly me at my worst!!
It’s like my mind can’t seem to focus on ANYTHING other than attempting to find some “elusive” answer to “fix” this pandemic. Which is RIDICULOUS (I know).
Also, everyone around me seems to be capable of distracting themselves with something much more productive in their lives. (and that makes me resentful and increasingly lonely too). I am a former middle school art teacher but have been a stay-at-home mom for the past 12 years. (we also moved in with my parents so I could help take care of my own mother in her last year of life this past year). I have not accomplished ONE productive thing since the shutdown in March. I have about 50 partially finished paintings, designs, and stories piling up all over my house. I actively ignore laundry, bills, paperwork etc. now more than ever. (which isn’t helping my environmental imbalance – I know). It’s like I am mentally paralyzed and just constantly pissed off that someone, somewhere isn’t helping to structure my life. At this moment, it feels virtually impossible to actually use my time wisely by “organizing, properly fixing or finishing something”. I have had a lot of fun with my kids and that is the ONLY positive thing I have managed to successfully do in months!!! (and it bothers me so badly that I am acting more like their “playmate” and less like “their mom”).(acting more like my husband’s child and less like his partner and wife).
Now that school is going to start up again in a couple of months – all I can think about is the virus and how I am going to “convince” our school system’s administrators to adhere to my “master-plan-scheduling-system”. I sound like a lunatic even as I type this! My daughter has Dyslexia and my son does really well in school – but, I was almost comically lousy with the online learning. I know the benefit of traditional school for them both – BUT, without any formal answers or information about the school system’s plan for next year – all I do is obsessively worry because I know that I want to wait until I get their information before making any big decisions of my own.
Long story short – because I am so frustrated and unproductive and unfocused – my anxiety is ramped up, everyone is sick of talking to me, my self-worth is tanking, and I am “diddling” around for much of the day just sort of “pacing about”. It doesn’t feel good at all and doesn’t do anything positive for anyone (myself mostly).
Please give me your best advice and coping strategies that are working for you right now. What are you doing (besides home projects or chores) that is making you feel calm, fulfilled and successful? I exercise some, but, have you found a home program that does not become boring? Are you reading any great, fun, fiction novels? I can’t “binge watch t.v. unfortunately as I can’t make it past an episode or two without losing interest, but, are you into learning more about interesting topics (except virus stuff or politics)? How do you go from finding something cool and interesting to being able not to lose interest completely after an hour? How do you distract your mind from what’s uncomfortable and scary? I still take my stimulate (and an SSRI for the past 6 years), but, wind-up just “hyper-focusing” on picking at my nails and worrying. What have you found that you like to do that is meaningful, helpful, and positive? And lastly, what are you “telling yourself” internally to self-motivate or self-soothe?
Thank you SO much to anyone who responds – I SERIOUSLY appreciate all and/or any help with this!!!
Trying to avoid entering “the dark-side”,
May 27, 2020 at 3:49 am #172750DiamondRParticipant
Greetings Attagirl/AD, 1st of all, bless your heart! It is good that you reached out in this manner (especially since you feel that you’ve burnt out your friends.) You NEED the like-minded right now! I really like that you asked us how we’re coping, our methods, tactics, reading and exercise choices. It shows that you are REALLY asking for help and advice rather than just venting. I get that you feel as if you’ve burnt out friends and family. I also get that, unfortunately, maybe you really have BUT listen to your inner voice with all the negatives against yourself. That in and of itself could make the tough time you are having tougher. You didn’t and don’t sound like a lunatic. So what if you are currently playing with the kids? It is a tough time for you personally right now. So what if you are pacing? It ultimately will end. So what if you are diddling? So what if you are not accomplishing a lot right now? I can already hear “because things have to get done Lady!” BUT, again, you are going through something. Maybe you have to keep going through it for a while??? ACCKKKKK.
Two things that are glaringly evident are: your recent loss of your mother. The second is could the coronavirus triggering y’all’s son’s death and grief? These 2 alone are not small. Coupled together, and no wonder you’ve occupied your mind with COVID’19 and next year’s school schedule——for the entire school. Could taking care of your mother and watching her pass subconsciously make you feel unproductive and like accomplishing -0-? You were super busy, then wham, your whole world changed?There is NOTHING wrong with decompressing for a while, and that might be longer than you think. Please, please watch the negative words you use that are directly about you. It is hard, I know. But if there are 10 or 20 per day—even 5 or 6—then aren’t you flogging yourself? You REALLY could use some kinder words my dear.
I gotta say…I’m concerned. I hate to bring this up because it didn’t work well for me, but you might as well know what’s coming or potentially coming. Seriously, I do NOT want to bring this up…because it SUCKS! But I do wish someone would have told me. Beside your grief AND the significant change in your personal life, are you possibly in perimenopause? Yep, I know that you are young. Mine started early too. I was never more angry in my entire life! Sometimes I didn’t even know who I was. I started chasing little, young and cocky drivers that weren’t paying attention to the road or cut me off…or cut someone else off. It was my job, in my mind, to let every asshole know that he was an ass. I wanted to fight. Literally kick their butts, punch ‘em and let ‘em know that I was in charge. No, I never fought. Never did in high school either, and thankfully, I didn’t crash or cause a serious accident. No I didn’t go to jail, but I should have. I was driving wrecklessly, and it was pathetically pitiful and dangerous…and my anger lasted several dreadful years—-o.k. a decade but whatever. I’m 56 and have “been done” now for maybe 5 or 6? It still surfaced even as recent as 9 months ago. The anger did, not the bleeding. Once again I wondered who the hell that crazy, mean lady was. Ughhhh!
Now onto a nicer subject. Something funny! Hilariously funny. And brilliant. Like a movie, movies and/or a book. Erma Bombeck is certainly outdated. So is Carol Burnett. Janet Evonovich made me cry laughing. More than once per book. Over and over…. Start at One for the Money & go through the entire series. Really I think it could hold your interest. Ask some friends of their funniest books or movies ever… The giggling, crying kind of laughter is such a release! Go walking. It also helps to get the anger out. You need outside now.
I hope even a 10th of what I said could help. Bless your heart. Another question is depression. I was on 2 antidepressants. Menopause is hell. Menopause and ADHD? Toxic! Sigh. It CAN sometimes be liberating too. My 40s were my favorite decade! Really. You ARE going to get through whatever is going on. You are. You will. You are incredibly smart! This anger will be horribly frustrating and confusing, but it will pass. If you have had by chance a hysterectomy, I still think something is going on. ADHD exacerbates everything as you well know. BIG hugs to you! Cheerios & Froot Loops tribe member! Here. Have another hug. “DiamondR.”
May 27, 2020 at 9:03 am #172762KIMParticipant
Hi! You’re not alone. I like the advice that Diamond gave you. My advice is similar, and based on what helped me when I was in your shoes (for almost two months. Awful).
1. Turn off news.
2. Turn off phone.
3. Go for 15 minute walk, rain or shine.
3. Pick up one bill and pay it or file it.
4. Pick up one unfinished art project. If you don’t like it, toss it. If you do, finish the art project.
5. Repeat the next day.
Do this every morning, and then the afternoons and evenings get better. Soon, it’s easy to have a great entire day.
May 27, 2020 at 12:35 pm #172796marimarParticipant
Hi! I am sorry you are going through this. Look, talk to yourself as much as possible giving yourself affirmations: I want to be productive today, I can be productive today, I give myself permission to be productive today. Make one decision in being productive and do it. I can be happy today, I want to be happy today, I give myself permission to be happy today. Smile. Put great music, dance and do chores. I want to pay a bill today, I can pay a bill today. I give myself permission to pay a bill today. Pick up a bill and pay it! Repeat outloud what you are doing till you do it! Remember it is just one thing!! You can do it!! Give yourself BIG STARS SOMEWHERE to remind you that you did it!!!
Do the same tomorrow and the next day.
Work on your feelings the following way:
Pick a feeling and say: Father in heaven, please find the origin of my feelings of ‘anger’. Locate them and analyze them and heal them according to your will. Going from the beginning of times all the way to the present, fixing all the associations to the origin of my anger and any consequences on my health, my emotions, my relationships, my ADN. Fix them all Father in Heaven. With total forgiveness to anybody, any thing and any circumstance that contributed to this feeling of anger. Breath deeply letting your anger go. Heavenly FAther feel me with love and joy. It’s done! Thank you Heavenly Father from whom all blessings come.
You can choose to ask to be filled with emotions that are the oppositve of what you are asking to get rid of. Hate.love; troubled.peaceful, etc.
May God bless you!!
May 27, 2020 at 3:01 pm #172815Penny WilliamsKeymaster
First, as Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” It’s hard, especially in the age of social media and the internet in general, but it’s so important to your mental health. Make a list of your accomplishments, ask others to help as they will give you much more credit than you give yourself.
A couple thoughts on the anger and hyperfocus on coronavirus and such…
1. This could be depression and/or anxiety. The current state of the world is overwhelming and something we have little control over. A feeling of helplessness often starts the path to depression and anxiety. If so, treating it can help a great deal. Trying to get some distance from the news can help too. I only allow myself 10 minutes a day to get a brief update with some news — otherwise I’d be so upset and scared I couldn’t function.
2. You’re 40 and a woman. Hormones play a huge role for women with ADHD. They affect mood, memory, cognitive functioning, etc. Many women with ADHD describe everything changing with their ADHD and treatment efficacy when they hit peri-menopause or menopause. This could at least be a contributing factor.
ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Coach & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism
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