October 27, 2017 at 8:13 pm #66744
I’ve just been diagnosed with ADHD. I’ve been doing a lot of research and I’m just so happy to know others feel like I do and I’m not crazy.
I’ve had one recurring issue in my life, it’s when I’m in a relationship or dating.
I always feel as if i:
-do more than the other person
-get attached very quickly
but I also get more tired and very emotional while dating. I take everything to heart and it can really get me down.
My symptoms and self-control get worse while in a relationship.
I’ve met someone I feel is different, she was the person who noticed my ADHD and convinced me to get checked.
I don’t want to mess this up but I also don’t want to get worse like I have in the past.
Does anyone else get this or have any advice for me?
- This topic was modified 9 months, 2 weeks ago by ADHDmomma.
October 30, 2017 at 10:15 am #66794
It sounds like hypersensitivity and maybe even rejection sensitive dysphoria are part of the equation for you.
And, in general, when you add another layer for your brain to manage (a personal relationship), it takes away from the brain power going to everything else a little bit.
ADDitude Community Moderator, Author & Mentor on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism
May 6, 2018 at 10:03 am #83670
I’ve just been through a difficult breakup after dating the love of my life for almost two years. It was wonderful except for when he starting noticing my ADD and my quirks daily. Although he wasn’t frustrated about anything at first but he was when I moved in. Sigh, my ex suffers with OCD and Anxiety. This wasn’t a good combination with my ADD. We love each other dearly and I am still feeling devastated for having to leave the relationship. 🙁
My ex thought he was helping me by telling me how I communicate badly, or forget too much or even have trouble concentrating. My ex was so critical that I couldn’t take it anymore. He didn’t want to be intimate with me or display any form of affection at home and in public because he was so frustrated at me. I couldn’t understand why it bothered him so much. I tried so damn hard to be perfect so that he wouldn’t leave me. I was dying inside because I wasn’t feeling loved, I wasn’t loved the way I needed. I moved 4 hours away from my family, friends, and a good job to be with him and plan a life together in marriage.
My ex started pushing me away because he didn’t get me, my ADD brain and it nearly killed me. We agreed it was best that I move because he was miserable and so was I. Now, it’s almost 3 months later and he wants me back but…….I can’t. I need him to love me for ME and I don’t want my ADD personality to annoy or frustrate my loved one. I don’t want to be mistreated by anyone again! If my ADD personality makes him angry then I’m not going back. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. Staying away from the one I love is heartbreaking, but living under someone else’s perfectionism is worse. I won’t lose myself again for anyone.
So all I can say is, you need to be able to be yourself around the person you like. She should like you for who you are and I hope that her noticing your ADHD isn’t the beginning of her noticing other things. It can escalate quickly. Just be careful o.k? You shouldn’t think that having ADHD may blow it. Get help but love yourself enough to be yourself. 🙂
November 3, 2017 at 1:41 am #67107
Hi Jake90Lee your post caught my attention because I too have experienced this for years. =/
BUT! (Very gratefully) I am on the other side of this. So I am glad to get2 *share! what I figured out after much much sadness, confusion, depressed from it (understandably!..) But then I decided to start researching: what I have always gone thru /what is this that always keeps happening?… =(
So I found a few big answers!!… (Hope you get2 read this!) =]
First thing I found (by typing-in /describing this)
Is: study up on the Attachment theory. Relational Attachment. There’s I think 4? different kinds and what I learned is mine (because of life, and from subtle traumas; looking back when I was little -that effected me in this way it turns out) All these years my ‘attachment’ style has been the insecure attachment style. When I read up on that— now it all makes sense. What we want to live out is the Secure attachment style. So at this point in our lives: (now that we are learning all this) now we can have compassion on ourselves and *practice this new way we (unfortunately, but not our fault)) we didn’t grow up learning that best, Healthy way. /the way it *should be. But now we can take-on the New +improved way of relating. That will line us up with how we’ve always Wanted it to be… =]
Also I started learning about CEN: Childhood Emotional Neglect. very helpfull in understanding (why)
Then research /watch some short YouTube videos on Law of Attraction —only think about what you Want.
(not what we’ve always gotten =[ which is what we Don’t want) ..in this case I have had2 Fight to only think about what I Want. But by being aware of your Thoughts, and practice —it’s just a matter of time. =]
+last gem of insight I’m passing on (after years of going thru this too. it’s not right, and not ok) but Finally! +just recently, starting to understand and change this ~from now on!!
Once you get that insight, & compassionate understanding for you on (why) *Then you’re coming from a more Healthy, just naturally balanced, =D more *secure attachment style. +Believe this to be SO!
+then =D (the one that is even worthy of you) —THEY WILL WANT YOU RIGHT BACK! It won’t be lop-sided ever again! (Hah; but remember don’t give your thought energy thinking about the old lop-sided way) =] Only the way of ~how wonderfull it will be~* how wonderfull IT IS the Love and understanding support is totaly reciprocal ^ ^ and it’s healthy, here to stay… =]
Love & Happiness… Mmhm =]
- This reply was modified 9 months, 2 weeks ago by Brookey80.
November 3, 2017 at 3:55 am #67113
It’s ok!!! That’s your beautiful part of the brain that gets activated when we get super excited about something. I still do that when I go down rabbit holes of research lol .. but it’s ok . I think the first thing to do is know it’s not a fault it’s an asset . We love super hard but I think we can get a little overwhelming especially for a person not vibrating at your frequency. But it’s ok !! It doesn’t mean they aren’t compatible. It just means you gotta find you and your partners happy place right in the middle . Once you guys get there that will help center you when you go into tunnel vision focus so to speak lol .. I also like to distract myself with other things I find interesting .. learn more about ADHD. Especially if you’ve just been diagnosed. It’s an amazing moment of clarity once your diagnosed. It’s the daily struggle to get your mind in a good flow with your unlimited resource of power inside. Good luck on your search !!! And don’t be too hard on yourself . I’ve known for 2 years and I’m still getting the hang of it all.
November 3, 2017 at 6:27 am #67117
I’m with you on this – I didn’t get diagnosed until later in life and it explains a lot about my relationships.
Remember that for people with ADHD, our emotions are very near the surface and are often the first things we notice. Ritalin has helped me a lot with this. It not only slows down my scattered thinking but also my emotions.
If this isn’t your experience, you need to teach yourself to take things slowly:
1) feelings are just feelings – they’re not facts. The fact you feel that this person is amazing, wonderful and the answer to everything doesn’t make it true. It’s just how you feel.
2) Focus instead on what they say, how they treat your and others and how considerate and repsonsible they are. That’s much more important to start with.
3) We’re good at bouncing back and being forgiving. Don’t do that at the beginning of a relationship – take time to notice things that hurt you and discuss them. This will save a lot of heartache later on when you’ve been to afraid to challenge things and you later have to end it. Again.
4) Keep a reign on your splurging / positive talk. It can be scary for the other person because it sounds too much too soon, and it is. Remind yourself to let the other person do more talking so you can get to know them before you throw your heart at them. If necessary, find a not too noticeable way to put a finger on your lips/hand over your mouth to remind you! Don’t give too much of yourself away – stay in control of yourself and your emotions and take it slow. You won’t lose anything if it’s worth having.
June 13, 2018 at 12:46 am #86325
My husband and I have been married 8 years. 🙂 Both ADHD, both dove into the relationship quickly. I was diagnosed right before we met. It was a no-brainer at the beginning. A bit of a whirlwind. We were a perfect match! No one else understood or appreciated our quirks like we did. Though our ADHD presents differently, over the years of annoying each other, we’ve learned to be patient, forgiving, and give each other space to be ourselves. 🙂
Later, he started traveling for work a lot. When he was gone, I felt like I had superpowers! Our home was quiet and I could accomplish all the things! When he came home, all I wanted to do was focus on him. I felt guilty if I pulled attention away from him, like he wouldn’t know how much I cared unless I CONSTANTLY showed him. I think part of this came from fear, struggling with relationships in general my whole life due to distraction and impulsivity. But part of me was annoyed because he was SOOOO distracting! Funny and cute and I missed him so. Not to mention the constant noise of having someone else home. Ultimate distraction. We’ve found ways to manage it, but still, the feeling is there, every time.
Years of making it work has taught us this: Boundaries are key. Even in marriage. (especially in marriage?) ADHDers have no shortage of love to give or enthusiasm. We’re like puppies! 🙂 But we need down time to center our emotions, prioritize our own goals, and reconnect with reality. Grounding is so important to being healthy, and finding someone who notices when you need grounding and supports your need for occasional space is invaluable. It feels so counterintuitive, but occasional space to sort out all those bounding emotions makes the relationship run soooooo much more smoothly. Recognizing when you’re being sensitive and speaking up about your needs for reciprocity are important, too! Finding someone you can be honest with about your symptoms, who will love you despite (and some times because of) them is essential.
So, I guess the advice is this: Make yourself take things slow emotionally. We tend to move at lightning speed compared to others. This will balance you out with your mate’s speed. Check in with yourself, be honest with how you’re feeling, but don’t say EVERYTHING out loud or act on every feeling or impulse. Our feelings sometimes cloud our judgement, and the intensity can be scary for people who don’t understand them. They can be useful and wonderful, but don’t forget about the other tools in your toolbox, like observation, and conscious choice (as opposed to impulse). Make it simple. Sort out what qualities are most important to you in a person, and keep your eyes open for someone who matches your values. It might be the person you’re seeing now, or it might not. One day, it’s like a lightbulb. You look up and realize the person sitting across from you checks everything important on your list! If your feelings match your thinking, then you just know. 😉
- This reply was modified 2 months ago by strwbry.
July 16, 2018 at 5:50 am #88351
Your story really moved me: it is so hopeful and inspirational. I think that so many people could benefit from hearing how you have worked through the challenges in your relationship.
I’m writing a self-help guide for adults and would love to talk to you about how you have managed to organise yourselves and your lives for the better.
I can be contacted on firstname.lastname@example.org. Or you can see my website on superpoweradhd.com which has all my details on.
Have a great day.
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