My partner wont accept my ADHD

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This topic contains 2 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  AlyMarina 3 weeks ago.

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  • #134814

    TXAD
    Participant

    I cant find a whole lot on this issue. Usually it seems to be the other way around, the ADHD partner doesn’t want to deal with his ADHD, and the non ADHD partner is at their wits end trying to get them to get a handle on it. In my situation, I was diagnosed as a child, but my dad always tried to tell me I was “normal” and dint really go to far into dealing with the issue. He took off my meds when I moved in with him during my later adolescent years, then made spent years berating me for not keeping up in school, I just thought I was dumb the whole time until I moved back with my mother, started my meds again, and made friends in the theater department.But at that point I didnt really acknowledge that this was something that was really going to affect me for the rest of my life.
    Fast forward 12 years. Im in an 8 year relationship, I was happy for the first 5 years, had ups and downs, but still happy. now it seems to have gotten to the point that the downs seems to be running the relation ship. My partner is unforgiving, nothing is allowed to be glossed over and it all seems to need to be handled right that second. he hates the way I get emotional, but all I know how to do in those moments is sit quietly. When I do fin ally speak, its like the words I say might be the ones he wants to hear, but he tells me I am ingenuine, even though if I saying it at the point that we have been going through the issue the last 30 mins with me breaking down and crying repeatedly because it all feels hopeless. I cant think of what to say to him in the moment, and he just gets more mad, and tells me I am useless to the relationship when I’m like that, which I even agree with, but dont know how to fix.
    I started reading up on other peoples issues with ADHD and relationships off this site about a month ago. It literally had me in tears, finding out that almost every issue we have been having for years was outlined by thousands of other people. I was instantly anxious, I didnt know how to bring it up, I felt bad, cus now that I know it is something that has to be addressed, i feel guilty that I wasnt able to go into the relationship letting him know what he was getting into. So par for the course, I introduced it at the worst time. we were having an argument, and he asked why I do the dumb stuff I do all the time, and I started blurting this whole set of circumstances out, along with info I got off of here about dopamine deficiencies ect. He got super upset, and stated that I just tried to “NOPE” his issue with mine. Which in retrospect I get, but now I dont know how to bring it back up, he seems unwilling to listen, scoffed at me when I started talking about seeing a psychiatrists or therapist and said he would never do that with me, because “we are not there yet”. now we have this whole new dynamic, we get into a issue because I have forgotten something, and then said soemthing that shows I dont remeber what we originally discussed. then He gets pissed at me if I dont IMMIEDATELY address it, it can be like 5 lines, or a few minutes later, but by then its already to late, he’s again telling me I am useless to the relationship, but I stay more silent than I used to and let him tell me these things, because the only way I know how to deal with it at this point, knowing that its the ADHD would be to discuss how it relates to the issue. I cant though because that would again “NOPE” the issue in his words. Not sure what I should do

  • #134820

    T3Design
    Participant

    I’m in the same boat! It is ruining my marriage and I feel like my life is such a mess. Instead of support I get berated and told everyone has ADD and I’m just making excuses. I wish I knew how to deal with it. My husband won’t go to counseling either. I have a stressful job and I’m a full time working mom. I feel lost and don’t know how to make things better. It feels helpless.

    • #134863

      dginger2012
      Participant

      My gut reaction? GET OUT NOW! Your situation does not sound good, I would hazard to say even abusive… BUT if you honestly believe that your relationship has a chance of being saved, I would suggest printing out some articles that relate to ADD relationship issues and leave them out for him to read. Maybe seeing that your guys’ issues aren’t all that uncommon will help him understand how to be more supportive.

      I live with Inattentive Type ADHD and my boyfriend – who is ALWAYS on top of everything. Needless to say, he gets very frustrated with my “quirks” (losing everything, never on time, uncompleted projects, etc), but he is TRYING to be understanding and that makes me try harder to be better. His support is invaluable and a great motivator. His disdain (which I did receive initially) was the opposite and brought out my worst qualities.

      Right now – “we” work because we both try. I’m not a PhD, but a lot of life experience has taught me: If your man isn’t willing to try, you shouldn’t be willing to stay. It’s detrimental to your health in every way, shape, and form. You DESERVE to be happy and healthy and your partner should support this.

  • #134827

    AlyMarina
    Participant

    I’m so happy you posted this. I went through this feeling for a good year, and then I realized that I wasn’t putting myself in my boyfriends’ shoes. He fell in love with someone who was confident and didn’t pour problems onto him all the time. We got into arguments about me leaving the sponge in the sink, plastic bags filled with god knows what everywhere, not folding my laundry and leaving it beside the bed for weeks, losing my phone multiple times in the span of an hour. This was not the person he fell in love with. When life got harder, more responsibilities, I changed. I became overwhelmed and I hid it. I said that I would learn more about managing my symptoms instead of allowing them to control me. Nothing worked. I spent 5 hours with the goal of creating a bullet journal only to research cool pens I and templates I could use as inspiration. I sat him down and I told him I loved him. But I told him I needed him..I was falling apart and felt so ashamed that I couldn’t find a clean outfit without getting angry, or that I can’t remember the tv show we watched together and laughed at, and I told him I was sorry cuz he never signed up for this. But I don’t deserve to feel this way and he was the only one I cared to share this with..I needed structure. He suggested that when we come home each of us does one thing to better the house before we decide to do something else. Take out the trash, empty the dishwasher, wipe the counter. Small things. And we acknowledge eachother after we do it. It was great. It’s a step: it helped him understand. I share with him my articles sometimes, but only sometimes and I never blame something I forgot in my adhd. I say “I’m sorry I’ll do my best to remember that, but can you say something like “hey hun, I notice that crusty milk glass has been sitting by your bedside for a while, you making a science experiment or would you like to put it away” rather than “I didn’t tell you a few days ago come ya I thought it’s common sense but clearly not, you make my life a pig stye”. Always be nice to eachother even if you don’t want to.

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