My husband doesn’t understand my ADHD

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    • #39984
      Penny Williams
      Keymaster

      This discussion was originally started by user mosky1941 in ADDitude’s now-retired community. The ADDitude editors have included it here to encourage more discussion.

       

      I am a 73 year old women recently married for the first time.  Finding it hard as husband does not understand or want to understand what happens when you have ADD, Depression, Anxiety, all which has increased since marriage 2 years ago.  I had never married and he was married over 50 years.  I made most adjustments, but it is hard when he doesn’t understand why I take meds and have ADD problems.  Is this the group for me???  Would sure like to share and learn from others how they get by day to day.

    • #40317
      Allison Russo
      Keymaster

      This reply was originally posted by user John Tucker, PhD, ACG. ADHD Coach in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

      This is a perfect place to find kindred spirits. Welcome aboard.

      In this new relationship you may find he will never totally understand. You will need to forgive him for this and focus attention on the good things about him.

      For you it is important to take care of yourself. If you need meds just take them without a lot of explanation. I gather you have already done that so there’s no point in more explaining.

      He needs to do some things on his own. You need to do some things on your own. The things you enjoy doing together should be confined to things you enjoy or must do.
      And in these sorts of situations a smile can be more effective than words.

    • #40318
      Allison Russo
      Keymaster

      This reply was originally posted by user mosky1941 in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

      Thank you for the kind words. I’m trying hard to, at least, appear happy until it happens.

      It’s a challenge to get out on my own as he doesn’t want me to go out by myself. Always wants to be with me. It seems his 1st wife did some things he didn’t like and I am experiencing the “controlling Man” that came out of that marriage. At any rate, I have managed to get away for a few hours about every 2 weeks. He won’t spend money on foolishness like entertainment and going out, so all we do together is sit and watch tv. When I try to talk to him, he can’t hear me as he won’t use his
      $4,000 hearing aids. Also won’t go in to have them adjusted. I finally told him, I was through shouting at him and repeating. If he can’t hear me it’s his problem as he could easily do something about it.

      Don’t feel you have to respond. I don’t want to be a bother. It’s just so nice to have a place to go where others understand. Some situations you just have to figure a way to live with. Best Regards, Marianne

    • #40320
      Allison Russo
      Keymaster

      This reply was originally posted by user John Tucker, PhD, ACG. ADHD Coach in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

      No worries, Marianne. The posts are slow to appear and it’s common to see repeats. I’ve done this many times. No one minds this so you need not be concerned.

      I see that by the hearing aid issue you already realize that he is responsible for communicating to you and you are drawing the line. Good for you.

      I am impressed that he relies on you so much. Perhaps it’s not control but need. He values you more than you realize and more than he may care to admit. I sense that you an oasis of calm for him. Think of him as a nervous young man, a little uncertain, a bit of a bull in a china shop. You need to be patient.

      And you are the opposite of a bother. Post as often as you like. Authenticity is more of a blessing than anything else.

    • #40321
      Allison Russo
      Keymaster

      This reply was originally posted by user agoldencomet in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

      Hi there, mosky!

      I am a 68 yr-old woman who was diagnosed with ADHD only four months ago! Now I understand who I was all those years and also why I have been depressed since I was a child.

      I would strongly recommend having some outside support if possible. I have been seeing a cognitive-behavioural therapist and she really helps. For some, a spiritual advisor helps.

      Also I have read Delivered from Distraction by Hallowell and Ratey. Their first “top tip for adult ADD” is “Marry the right person: someone who loves you for who you are” (p 308).

      I would suggest that you also read this book (as it was wonderful) and see if your hubbie would be interested in reading some bits of it so he will understand you better. It would also give you a basis for discussions (however short).

      Don’t be discouraged – he is not the “wrong person” – he just needs some help to become the right one!

      Also, I find humour helps. If I do a clumsy thing, forget something, etc. I call it one of my “ADD moments” with a smile/chuckle.

      And lastly, if you are a country music fan, I just found out that Michelle Wright has ADHD!! She mentions it publicly on stage. So it means that the rest of us addult ADHDers can come out of our closets (our cluttered ones – LOL)!

      Good luck! Stick with the meds if they help!
      Marilyn

    • #40328
      Allison Russo
      Keymaster

      This reply was originally posted by user loeysmall@aol.Com in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

      It is great to hear about someone else who was diagnosed late in life. I am 69 & was diagnosed with ADD & LD in April. I also have hearing loss from measles as an infant. Not only was school very difficult for me, there were a lot of communication problems in my 50 year marriage. Had just found out about ADD shortly before my husband died of

    • #40330
      Allison Russo
      Keymaster

      This reply was originally posted by user mosky1941 in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

      Marilyn: Thank you for suggesting a new book to read. Books have always helped me in times of crisis. I just saw your reply and am sorry I have been so involved with my own hopeless feelings that I haven’t checked in until now.

      I have resorted to to self inflicted pain which allows me control of at least how much I can tolerate. Because of my age I’m afraid to go back to this way of coping.

      I don’t plan on acting on this impulse but can’t seem to get it out of my mind.

      I keep thinking that if I do it is just a way of giving him even more control over me.

      I’ll keep checking in. Hop to hear more from you. Mosky

    • #40331
      Allison Russo
      Keymaster

      This reply was originally posted by user adhdmomma in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

      Self-harm is common in women with ADHD: https://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/10237.html. You need to find better coping mechanisms though. I strongly encourage you to visit your doctor or therapist to get some help.

      Penny
      ADDconnect Moderator, Author on ADHD, and Mom to Pre-Teen Boy w/ ADHD and LDs

    • #40332
      Allison Russo
      Keymaster

      This reply was originally posted by user mosky1941 in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

      I think it is interesting that we think we can help someone else when we are barely functioning ourselves. I have provided a couple of replies and find in re-reading my replies, I only wish I could follow some of my own advice. I know it is good advice. Must remind myself I am doing the very best I can. Everything has slowed down for me these past weeks. My office is a mess and I have to force myself into action to get the necessary household activities taken care of. Have been in a lot of physical pain and don’t want to take RX pain pills. Pain has been cause of some of my inactivity, perhaps most of it.

      I read about home treatments and try to get better. I can’t tell now if it is the pain or increase in depression turned into acceptance that this is the way life will always be. My search for happiness has failed and I am beginning to believe it doesn’t exist and those that appear happy are only pretending. What allows a person to be happy? Something special in their makeup, religious beliefs, or perhaps an attitude of SO WHAT what will be will be and move on. I have always been helpful to others but fall short when it comes to helping myself. My life could not be more boring. Being able to write this nonsense is foolish but somehow helpful to get the thoughts out of my head. I suppose it is necessary to vent but the relief is short lived. I see my physician first part of November and my MHNP mid-November.

      All my previous visits tell me I am healthy. Why, then, do I have so much pain and now indifference. I know there isn’t an answer, so I just keep plugging along, one day following my own advice and the next day barely unable to get out of bed. Whatever God intended for me, I feel like I have failed and time is running out. Maybe my only job is to save myself which seems selfish. Wish I could write something cheerful, but can only seem to write when I am discouraged. I pray all of us who suffer from whatever form of Mental Problems, fight as an army for better answers to our problems. mosky

    • #40333
      Allison Russo
      Keymaster

      This reply was originally posted by user ladydiwalton in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

      Mosky,

      This is my first post ever. Your posts have encouraged me to write something and I am hoping that it provides me with some relief. I am 45 and diagnosed with ADHD and depression. I am in a new relationship (one year) and he has started saying that he feels sorry for my ex husband because of what he must have had to go through living with me for 15 years. The sadness that I feel hearing that is immense…..because he is probably right. I was married to a wonderful man who loved me….and I couldn’t get it together to love myself and him so I looked for greener pastures. I convinced myself I was courageous and opening myself up to new opportunities when I gave up a marriage, a nice home, a secure job and packed a few things into my car and drove across the country to live with HIM. Now I cry myself to sleep at least once a week in my tiny little apartment.

      Today is a particularly bad day…and I do have many good ones…fantastic ones…but right now I feel overwhelmed with heartache.

    • #40334
      Allison Russo
      Keymaster

      This reply was originally posted by user mosky1941 in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

      I hear your pain and understand so much more about your feelings as I share them. I have wanted to run away so many times from marriage in the past 2 years (my first at 73) that I have about 8 boxes packed with my personal precious stuff and hidden in the basement. I know I will stay for the long run, but it makes me feel better to do something physical like packing away some of my things.

      Please don’t let this new man in your life destroy you with hurtful comments. Get out and meet new people. Try going to a coffee shop, an ADHD meeting if there is one in your area, Recovery Inc is a possibility, but language is stilted and I was not comfortable there.

      How about a community center or sewing, knitting, craft group to keep your mind occupied with something other that self-blame.

      I still have my self-blame moments but try hard to shake them off and tell myself the past is past.

      Also, I finally know I am not to blame for my ADHD. It can happen to anyone and can run in families.

      I have said “I’m sorry” to my friends and husband so many times in private and in company of friends, that my friends have told me to stop and think about what I am saying and stop saying “I’m sorry”. It becomes a habit after awhile.

      I know in my heart I am doing the best I can.

      I am trying hard to accept myself. Odd, I’m not critical about others, but I’m over-critical about what I think are my shortcomings. When that happens I say to myself “GET OVER IT”

      I hope you stay in the Group. It has helped me so much knowing I’m not alone. Please stay in touch and let me know how you are doing. You are loved just the way you are. mosky

    • #40337
      Allison Russo
      Keymaster

      This reply was originally posted by user ladydiwalton in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

      Thanks for being there. I have been feeling quite “alone”. I am quite depressed and having trouble getting motivated. I am getting to work everyday and managing there (in a great new job that I just started) but after work I cannot seem to get off the couch and do anything. The good thing is that I have been keeping my distance from HIM. We have not been getting along and the arguments were getting more and more heated. He wants me to LISTEN and gets frustrated if I try to explain my position (often he is upset by something that is just a misunderstanding). He gets so angry and ends up yelling at me and calling me names like “neurotic”, “pathetic” and “loser”. I have taken to simply leaving his house when he is in this state because he is so irrational that if I say anything at all he becomes aggressive. I love him but I am kind of disgusted with myself that I don’t respect myself more. I am a terrible communicator (as he has outlined to me often) and I am not able to share my feelings in a way that makes sense to him. He often cuts me off and tells me I am not making sense…..and because he is right I just turn off. I am supposed to be proud of myself because I got this great new job and I got accepted into a Masters Program in the Fall (which I have wanted to do my whole adult life and finally took the action to apply)….When he is angry with me he tells me that I won’t be able to do it (be a success at school). Anyway, my ego is beat up at the moment and the couch potato routine is making it worse. Everyday I pack my gym bag and say that I will go to the gym after work…which I know would make a positive difference…and each day I come home…start eating and turn on the tv and try to tune out because I can’t stand to think about him and what the right thing to do is. I know that I should end it.with him…but I moved across the country to be with him so I should be trying harder….Anyway…

    • #40338
      Allison Russo
      Keymaster

      This reply was originally posted by user John Tucker, PhD, ACG. ADHD Coach in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

      Hi LadyDi,

      It is easy to be down on yourself when your heart is under such a determined assault. When husbands feel inadequate a successful wife can be a threat. He may be jealous and afraid of your success. Even if that is not exactly accurate it is worth trying out the idea that he feels badly about himself and doesn’t know how to support you.

      Academically and professionally you are impressive. It would be great if he was jumping up and down and clapping to be connected to such a winner but maybe he’s just scaired.

      Go ahead and sit on the couch and eat and watch TV today; just spend 30 minutes at the gym first.

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