March 11, 2019 at 1:54 pm #110786wife_of_an_adhd_husbandParticipant
This is the letter I attached to my husband’s “new patient info” to be sent to an ADHD specialist whom I’d finally gotten him an appointment to see.
I wanted to share it because it illustrates the hopelessness that spouses feel- even when we KNOW what the problem is… even when we advocate for them. Your ADHD, if not properly treated, does truly hurt our hearts and will -eventually- break our spirits.
To Whom it May Concern, I’m adding this note to the submission of my husband’s new patient info in hopes that Dr Brannon might be merciful on someone whom NO one else is listening to… the doctors we’ve seen in the past have all wanted to treat the “comorbid” disorders. Although well-meaning, they give him a little physical, leave the room while he fills out a 8-10 question multiple choice questionnaire (but don’t seem to notice that after 30 minutes, he’s still on the 3rd question) and prescribing a depression medication that tries to help… but doesn’t even touch the surface of his problem.
I KNOW this man and I know that it’s getting progressively worse each and every day. I’ve researched tirelessly, for years, on what in the hell is wrong with my husband. I know what you’re thinking: no one wants to hear from a wife who “earned her non-existing medical license from the university of google.com” but I’ve never presumed to know more than his doctors; it just helps me survive the constant misery that living with this disorder has damned me to suffer. Sometimes, its too much to bear so I do a bit of reading, looking for key words and phrases so that I don’t feel hopeless and so I can sleep at night- knowing that there is a reason for his behavior and that he really can’t help it right now. What I’ve learned strengthens my weary worn soul and enables me to, when it’s really really bad, offer him validation while simultaneously struggling to remember why in the hell I ever loved such a monster in the first place. Most importantly, though, I want to be an advocate for his health care and I’m failing him every step of the way. I am screaming at the top of my lungs for somebody- anybody- to LISTEN to me.. to WATCH him (even for 5 minutes) to hear him talk me into circles until he’s turned a simple conversation topic into an argument where someone is at fault (usually him) and he ‘just can’t even talk to me anymore’.
In absence of a diagnosis and treatment, my marriage is falling apart and the man I love.. the father of my sweet little girl.. is just a ghost who cannot cannot feel the slightest touch of happiness or joy or laughter. The constant struggle to be the father, husband, friend, son, brother, employee, man that he wants to be is met with resounding failure EVERY single day and that has taken such a toll on him that he doesn’t even get out of bed to go to work at least once a week. I would bet my life on a diagnosis of ADHD PI type with ODD and some kind of daytime sleepiness. Throwing prozac his way does nothing at all except make him feel more hopeless than he already did.
But again, thats why I want him to see Dr Brannon.. because she has the technology to make a diagnosis regardless of what I think.
I don’t think he can it until January. When your office called and told me that the wait time to get an appointment was next year, I sobbed.. for days. He’s so far gone; I’m terrified of how much worse it’ll get when his hopes for help on the immediate horizon darkens once again. He’s shattered my self esteem and he has already done irreperable damage to our marriage but I’m holding on-WHITE KNUCKLED- to the hope that he’s still in there somewhere.
ALL that he is right now is the sum of his faults. His anger and his exhaustion and his inability to recognize the distortion and see it for what it is and GENUINE absence of light or love or laughter. He’s going to lose his job because, although he’s good at what he does, he screws up A LOT and calls in sick every 3 or 4 days. We’re going to lose our home if this goes on much longer. He’s the primary breadwinner in our family. With all that I am, I love him… but each passing day finds me closer to that inevitable moment when I crumble beneath the weight and my spirit breaks… and the creeping disdain will become seething hatred AND I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO COME BACK FROM THAT. No one comes back from that.
He can no longer function in the world; not at work or at home or with family or friends. He’s angry with me every single day, all day long, because I nag him. He threatens to leave us and wishes he’d have a horrible car accident so we’d be “done with him and his sorry ass” and be “better off”. He spews this vitriol
and our daughter bears witness to it EVERY day.. PLEASE help us before January. PLEASE. I will beg.. there is no pride left in me.. only fear and pain. I need him to be better. I truly believe this is where he needs to be seen; I’m just too tired and weary-worn to fight for the rest of the year.. Our marriage won’t survive much longer and he won’t make it on his own. He’s really sick.
March 23, 2019 at 9:05 am #112576Skypark962Participant
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You are a good wife to plead on his behalf. What you described of him, sounds like my brother–who will argue at the drop of a hat & “follow” you into a room until he feels he’s established that he’s “won” the conversation. He’s FOR SURE borderline personality.
I hope you find some relief soon! People who are chemically imbalanced can be completely functioning when given the right medication & combination therapy.
GOOD LUCK! Good vibes comin you way.
April 10, 2019 at 10:56 pm #113794Tides0fMyMindParticipant
Thanks so much for posting this. I have ADHD, and many of symptoms have caused turmoil and ultimately ruined previous relationships.
I am lucky to be with someone now that is caring and patient, like yourself, and is willing to ride out the storm while I continue further treatment.
We have had several explosive fights that ultimately stem from my out-of-control symptoms, and his not being able to understand my condition. I do not blame him for that — he will never understand because he does not have ADHD. But he is trying, and that’s what matters.
Please be patient with your husband, and please continue to lead him through this process. Treatment is a scary road, and it’s even scarier when you’re walking it alone. It’s such a scary road that many people may choose to not even take steps on it; they’ve gotten used to the chaos after being so lost for so long. Not to put more pressure on you, but your “taking the lead” in some aspects of this process (as he clearly is not willing and/or not capable of doing at this point) may be the only way he takes the next step.
Be patient, the man you married is still there. He’s just lost, and your commitment to him will hopefully lead him in the right direction.
April 10, 2019 at 11:03 pm #113795Tides0fMyMindParticipant
Also, I forgot to mention:
I appreciate hearing your perspective. It’s really important for people like me to hear from people like you, because it’s a reminder that my struggles and pains are not limited to me.
I often forget that my behaviors and emotional dysregulations are not only frustrating to me, but also frustrating (and hurtful) to my partner. My stormy skies don’t just rain on me.
- This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by Tides0fMyMind.
April 12, 2019 at 2:45 am #113870Phillipa60Participant
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. Waiting till January really does sound impossible in your situation.
I would strongly recommend finding a way to the doctor, maybe through the admin in his office, and plead your case.
There are always cancellations and I would guess you could find an earlier slot.
I feel for you, it is incredibly hard, I know.
We have an appointment for May and I am anxiously waiting confirmation of what I am 99.9% sure is long undiagnosed ADHD in my H.
- This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by Phillipa60.
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