My brother and father are being insensitive towards my condition.

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This topic contains 6 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  anngower54 3 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #83680

    DCT2019
    Participant

    I’m a 20-year-old male. I recently just discovered that there is a very high possibility that I have ADHD-PI. I broke the news to my family. I’m going to the doctor in a week to talk about this. Yesterday I was out with my father and older brother. We were driving through an empty parking lot at an abandoned supermarket, and my brother goes, “This will be the perfect area for you to practice driving. Do you want to do it now?” I said, “I want to speak to my doctor first about ADHD before I do anything else.” My dad and my brother go, “What the hell does ADHD have to do with you learning how to drive?” I’m 20 years old and still don’t have a driver’s license.

    That goes to show that they know nothing about the disorder. I have driven in the past, but I never felt comfortable driving because I don’t pay attention that well and I have a hard time processing everything at once. My brother told me, “You’ve driven in the past and you didn’t do a bad job.” I said, “But I have a hard time paying attention. If I have ADHD I believe it interferes with my ability to focus. I believe once I start treatment I can do better.”
    I told them, “Don’t be insensitive towards my issues.” My brother goes, “You’re acting like a p$%&!” I said, “Whatever.” Because I’m expressing how I feel and in touch with my emotions, I’m a p$%&? My dad and my brother said, “If it turns out you have ADHD, you can’t use that as a crutch or an excuse. You have to take control of it and not let it run your life. You think anyone out here is going to give a fuck you have ADHD?”

    I told them, “I know I can’t let it run my life, but let me just go to the doctor first and go from there.” My father says, “Going to the doctor isn’t everything. The doctor is a licensed professional, but he’s still human. He can’t read your mind. He’s only going to go off what you tell him. The doctor is there to help you, but your the one that’s going to have to do most of the work.” You think I don’t know that? I was just trying to tell them to just be a little more sympathetic and supportive towards my decisions and my problems.

    I also told them about how I use the internet to do a lot of research and ask for advice. My dad and brother both said, “Stay off the internet and social media. That doesn’t represent real life. It’s toxic.” I disagree. I don’t have any friends so I have no one to vent to my problems that occur inside of my home. I use the internet a lot to ask for advice to speak to people outside of my home who went through or are going through the same or similar things I’m going through or are just understanding towards me. We live in the era of technology and the internet. So why not use it? Am I wrong for asking the internet for advice?

    • This topic was modified 4 months, 2 weeks ago by  DCT2019.
    • This topic was modified 4 months, 2 weeks ago by  ADHDmomma.
  • #83778

    ADHDmomma
    Keymaster

    You can try to enlighten non-believers, but, more often than not, they’re not open to changing their thinking:

    Enlightening an ADHD Non-Believer

    Penny
    ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Trainer & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

  • #83840

    Nikiispicky
    Participant

    It takes a while and some experience to get comfortable driving.
    I only found that I have ADHD at 24. I have been driving since I was 16. I wanted to learn as soon as I could though.
    There are some studies that do say when a person has ADHD they should be medicated when driving/learning to drive.I can understand your concern in regards to attention and driving.

    As for getting them to understand. You likely will not, not really at least. Research the condition, pass along articles, interviews and anything else you can find, there is a tone out there.

    To me their comments while familiar, they sound logical. I know with my experience in the last five months from the day I got diagnosed. Our emotions can cloud our views, at the very least mine, when it comes to comments that would normally be taken as a reminder to stay grounded; that you are not your diagnosis, that everyone makes mistakes, that no one knows your brain better than you, even when it feels as though you do not know it at all.

    If they will not make the choice to get educated in any way on the disorder. I go with acknowledging the persons opinion, I then move along, brushing it off. It works for me, I do choose to review the opinion later when my emotions are lesser. I do this to gain insight to myself and the other person. If all else fails I do not need that negative in my life.
    What works for me might not work for another.
    Keep us posted?

  • #85241

    ElleJay
    Participant

    I have to say that your brother and your dad are really spot-on, with the exception of the name-calling. They are trying to better you, help you become independent. Just because you may or may not have ADHD should not prevent you from practicing driving in an empty parking lot. The reason you won’t practice is because you are fearful, and that is something that a doctor’s diagnosis will not alleviate.

    I think that a stranger’s advice on the internet can certainly be helpful, but take it with a grain of salt. If you find that anonymous community forums are helpful, then carry on. But they sure won’t help you learn to drive! Driving is a skill that is learned with practice. You get better the more you do it. Everyone is distracted when they start, but with experience you get a feel for it and learn what to focus on.

    You know your father and brother best, and it sounds like they are not much into sympathy. Sounds like they want to build you up, though, in their own way. You are 20 now, and you must recognize that even people who have your best interests at heart might not use the best methods. That’s okay! Don’t feel victimized by their attempts to help you grow.

  • #86337

    strwbry
    Participant

    Shake it off bro. If you do have ADHD, a ton of folks are not going to understand it. Truth is, the level of understanding around you doesn’t change at all with the diagnosis, you just finally have a name for your symptoms. If people really want to understand it, they’ll look into it. Don’t try to educate them unless they ask. It’ll just create conflict. Do your own research, make your own decisions about what is right for you, and own who you are. You don’t have to explain yourself. ADHD folks are awesome, like weird little diamonds sprinkled into the population to give it sparkle. We just don’t naturally fit in and take a little longer to find our place in this world. If you’re looking for understanding and acceptance, there’s no one better to reach out to than someone who’s walked into your shoes, and most ADHDers are happy to find a kindred spirit. 😉

    Dude, just be you, own you. Cuz who you are is awesome. 🙂

    P.S. I’m a terrible driver. I think I only passed my driving test because the instructor felt bad for me. I hate driving, and I’ve been doing it for 15 years.

  • #86342

    JBoom
    Participant

    Men in Western culture, especially in the US, tend to be fairly emotionally constipated. They will express any emotions in hidden ways and ensure they feel tough and in control in doing so (e.g., shows concern and love by judging you and trying to “toughen” you up as he toughed himself up). If I were to peal away the layers, I’d say your Dad is feeling insecure, like somehow any condition you have like ADHD is a failure on his part. Your brother is probably just feeding off his energy, because that’s what most guys do, follow the lead of the Alpha male.

  • #86495

    anngower54
    Participant

    I’m sorry to hear your family isn’t supportive, my family is the same way. Most people unless they have it or know someone who does have it and has done research doesn’t understand how badly it can impact your life and unfortunately Being a guy tends to make people even less supportive. The internet is a GREAT resource as long as you go to appropriate sites that dont spew unresearched “facts”. My family was completely insensitive and kept complaining about how things I did wasnt “normal” (newsflash, this is my normal) and it took dragging them into a therapist to explain it to them for them to tone it down a bit. If you do get diagnosed I highly suggest a therapist that specializes in ADHD because while medication helps a lot, it isn’t a cure all. They help a lot in learning to cope and thrive in neurotypical society. Best of luck to you!

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