January 25, 2019 at 10:37 am #107552The_crud_on_your_shoeParticipant
He has no idea how idiotic and offensive he is because he is so in denial…about his need for meds, his alcoholism, & the consequential brain damage.
“Korsakoff’s psychosis” describes his increasing tendency to make up facts and memories…and defend their accuracy to the death. There is no winning. Reality has become a twisted, manufactured account of anything that he has come up with himself (unknowingly, no doubt.) It’s painful being the smarter, rational one when he is such a bully. I don’t think he even realizes it. If it weren’t for my health setting me back in my career, I wouldn’t still be here. The defeat and depression us hard to bear.
Each passing year, he becomes more belligerent, more moronic, and more “right”. He beats me down with my past failures and doesn’t respect my desperate need for sleep. (But know that there is a clear double standard here!) I know my health and wellbeing gave suffered greatly because of him. And now as I struggle to pick Myself and work, it’s a constant battle to shield myself against his crazy-making.
He is a stupid man and he is ruining his life, his son’s life (who now thinks it’s cool to drink 12 beers every day) and mine. How do I get myself out of this mess?
January 25, 2019 at 10:44 pm #107626joewillhatchParticipant
Have you tried attending al-anon meetings. It’s based on the same principals used in 12-step recovery (AA) meetings, but it focuses on the spouse, parent, child, friend of the alcoholic.
As a recovered alcoholic (and adhd) person myself, I have attended mixed meetings (aa + al-anon) and found them very helpful and insightful. There truly are answers to your questions here. I hope you find some relief one day at a time. And with enough patience, tolerance and love, that your hisband too, may someday enjoy the fruits of sobriety.
Check out al-anon.org for info > meeting locations in your area. Best of Luck.
January 26, 2019 at 2:02 pm #107645MommyManiac1963Participant
Having grown up with an active alcoholic, I speak from experience when I STRONGLY recommend you find the closest Al-Anon meeting asap. There you will find others who have and are experiencing the same struggles as you are living with an alcoholic. You will find warmth, caring, support, understanding and anonymity. A safe place to speak freely about what you’re going through. Al-Anon saved me and my relationship with my Dad. Also, as you feel better and stronger, it will make a difference in your home. You son will eventually notice and want what you have, and you can show him where to get it. Children of alcoholics can end up alcoholics themselves. The only reason I didn’t is because of Al-Anon. Go to at least 6 meetings before you make up your mind about it. I know there are other issues at play, but as you become stronger and less stressed, it will help with those too. It’s time to take your focus off your husband and focus on yourself. After all, we can’t change another person, we can only change ourselves and how we deal with others. Millions of wives, children and anyone else being affected who go to Al-Anon can’t be wrong.
I wish you well and try to take things one day at a time because you can’t change the past and tomorrow isn’t here yet. ❤
One thing I had to learn, and I learned it by going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, is that my Dad was in just as much pain as I was, maybe more. No alcoholic drinks because they want to. It is a disease, never kid yourself about that. They drink to help them feel as worthwhile as they think others already are. Your husband needs Alcoholics Anonymous but he will never go until he hits rock bottom and realizes he doesn’t have everything under control. The only reason my Dad stopped drinking was because he took a friend with a drinking problem to a meeting. He heard something that resonated with him and went to 90 meetings in 90 days as they recommended. His friend never went to another meeting, but my Dad did, and was 45 years sober when Alzheimer’s took his memories.
Trust me when I say that there us hope and help and you will become better – you will get as much as you put into it.
Stay strong and find that meeting and go TODAY!
*Contrary to what you may or may not have heard about Al-Anon, it is not a religious organization.
Please post and let us know how you’re doing.
- This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by MommyManiac1963.
January 28, 2019 at 12:14 pm #107727damnmouseParticipant
This dude has way more going on than ADHD. He sounds like he’s got some personality issues and addiction. If this is not a safe relationship for you anymore, get out.
January 28, 2019 at 6:22 pm #107785AngelacaweinParticipant
If he is not willing to get help with his drinking problem, probably not going to happen. He will have to hit bottom. No one deserves to be treated like that. Verbal abuse is just as bad as physical. No child needs to be in that kind of environment, period. Even if he has ADHD, he needs to put the booze down. You need to focus on yourself and your son and do what you need to do to get out of there.
May 14, 2019 at 11:02 am #116662mcancroParticipant
Your situation sounds rather similar to mine. I was in a 7 year relationship with a functioning alcoholic who can drink that many beers a day on the weekend and still go to work on Monday. I have been to Al-Anon but in my opinion they are like the blind leading the blind, however, it is a nice way to meet good people that are going through the same thing you are. Fortunately, I somehow learned from a professional counsellor to alcoholics that there is something called “alcoholic amnesia” and a “dry drunk” which helped me understand the situation a little better. I was also sleep deprived and verbally abused when he was up all night drinking beer with his tenant/drinking buddy and blasting his stereo in the living room til 3am knowing that I had to open up shop at 8am.
The best thing that happened to me was getting out of the house into my own house. I agree that it is not the easiest thing to do for many people in similar situations and it wasn’t easy for me either even though I already had my own fully furnished house to go to which was only a few doors away from his when I met him. To complicate matters, he caught me having an affair with one of my sub-contractors and ended up throwing all my stuff out the front door into the snow while calling me horrible names. Not fun. He claims that he didn’t think there was a problem between us and that all I had to do was sit down and tell him that I was not happy with the relationship and wanted to break up or that I needed more time and space to myself and that he would have understood. Who knows if that is true. Maybe you can try that yourself.
The point is that you need to get out and you need to change your phone number so that he cannot blow up your phone with nasty text messages that will elevate your blood pressure, keep you up at night and give you a heart attack. You don’t need the added stress. If you both need to talk, you should do it with the help of a counsellor. I did come to realize that one of his particular problems was that he fit the classic textbook description of a narcisitic personality disorder. Because, after all the grief, we are actually still friends and I was able to point out that discovery to him one day and a few weeks later, he got curious and looked up the definition and actually admitted that he agreed with me. In fact, he actually admitted that he probably did need to seek some professional counselling. I gave him the name and phone number of a good counsellor but he still hasn’t picked up the phone to call him.
If you need help getting out perhaps you can try calling your nearest AWARE Shelter and Legal Services. You can also start house hunting through Zillow, Facebook Marketplace, Trulia and Craigslist. Plus there are boat loads of work-from-home jobs you can find online (try Indeed.com) or you can go thru a personnel agency like RobertHalf. Open up a separate bank account and have the money directly deposited into that account and/or start a PayPal account. Open up a PO Box at the Post Office and forward all your mail to it. Change all your passwords on your online accounts that he may be able to access and block him from your social media. Hire a lawyer, if necessary, and let him know that he can communicate to you through your lawyer. If you rent a U-Haul truck, you can also hire movers at the same time that you make the reservation. You can either find a fully furnished space or order furniture online and have it delivered to your new home. I recommend the mattress in a box and a box spring alternative bed frame from Walmart or at least an air mattress. You can also try a long-term stay hotel like the Comfort Inn as a temporary solution. Put all your favorite recipes on notecards or print them out or save them to the cloud and leave him copies of his favorite recipes and favorite photos, eBooks, music, etc. with him. Most important, back up all your personal data to the cloud and then take it off your shared computer and handheld devices.
And it is better to get out before starting a relationship with another man. The problem with having an affair is that he ended up obsessing over the affair as a way of avoiding focusing on his own role in the demise of our relationship. Plus it put my new beau’s life in jeapardy as well as mine. Perhaps you can find some female friends to help you make the transition. Best of luck and I will pray for your safety.
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