July 25, 2017 at 4:34 pm #54898hillgal17Participant
First time poster. Reaching out about my husband Mark. Mark has inattentive ADD, diagnosed about five years ago. We have been married for 3 and living together for 4.
We live in a different country from Mark’s family and friends and ordinarily, Mark is very happy. We both chose and appreciate the life we are building together. But a few months ago Mark went home to spend time with his close friends. Since then, he’s been sad and distant from me. We aren’t communicating openly the way we used to before he traveled. He seems to me like he’s on his own even when we’re together.
This is coupled with the fact that we just bought our first home together here. (Should be a very happy time!) We have been arguing non-stop about the unpacking process. He says I’m not listening to him about how he’d like things and that I’m being too controlling. We’ve been moved in for months and there are still unpacked boxes of his things in our bedroom and the basement is full of boxes (of our things). I’m so frustrated and feel so alone. He says that making a plan and prioritizing is not how he wants to work. (I should note that we both work full time and Mark is also in school part time- but this, to me, makes planning all the more important so that we can plan to have quality time together as well!) Any tips for how to work as partners peacefully through a move with an ADD spouse?
Thank you so much!
- This topic was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by hillgal17.
July 26, 2017 at 10:40 am #54946Penny WilliamsKeymaster
July 26, 2017 at 11:19 am #54953markm1955Participant
When Mark was diagnosed, was he put on any prescription medication and are there any other links to depression, anxiety, etc? Aside that, you can help defuse some of Mark’s unwillingness to help unload the unloaded boxes. Are the boxes marked with their contents and what room in the house they need to be unpacked in? I would start with the bedroom boxes containing all types of clothing. It may tick Mark off but even with inattentive ADHD eventually the boxes will either be a pain to look at or he’ll realize he has items of clothes he needs still in boxes. Another way to engage Mark is to encourage him to go through the boxes that contain mainly his articles i.e. trophies, fishing or hunting pictures, if he was in the military ask to look at mementos of his time in the service. If you act excited about seeing “his” things, he may take your cue and be excited as well and have a desire to put them up or away.
Those of us who have ADHD are extremely tied to family and friends. Our emotions run deep and if Mark’s family and personal friends are in a different country he may be feeling regret and depressed. This would explain his emotional distance from you. Suggest that he calls is long distance family and friends once a month or more often, depending on the charges. Just hearing their voices can bring a lot of joy to the soul. If he has their email addresses, encourage him to stay in touch.
Unlike myself, you’re lucky that your husband has been diagnosed. My wife and I divorced after 17-years and according to her they were the most emotionally upsetting years in her life. I re-married 3-years ago and my wife knows all about my ADHD. I fall into the Type-3 Combined Category, meaning I have 6-9 symptoms from each category of Inattentive and Hyperactivity ADHD. Between learning understanding my symptoms and getting the proper medication, I am much happier. My ex-wife and I are good friends and I’m closer than ever to my 2-daughters.
I know you may feel that Mark needs to take a more active role in your relationship but you have to first completely understand how the ADHD brain functions. You will find that you have to take charge in many cases. Sometimes a little tough love and a lot of communication is the only way you can make your marriage last. I urge you to subscribe to ADDitude magazine and read all you can about ADHD and continue looking for resources offering great tips on how to take care of YOU to help keep yourself on an even emotional plane while dealing with Mark’s symptoms.
Good luck and don’t get discouraged.
July 26, 2017 at 7:43 pm #55005hnguyenParticipant
I am trying to deal with my stresses of every day life because of being a college student online with Adhd it can be a very huge struggle financially. it can also be very big when it comes to relationships as well.
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