Mom Seeking Insight

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    • #116492

      My ex and I were divorced almost 2 years ago. My son has almost always had an excessive amount of energy. Me being me, I encouraged his curiousity and personality development as it was my first child. Lately, he has been getting out of control. I am 8 months pregnant and expecting another child and in the last 3 or 4 months has taken to saying awful and sometimes dark things, hitting, kicking, or throwing things, spitting, and screaming or destroying things when he doesn’t get his way. His dad SWEARS this doesn’t ever happen at his house (we have 50/50 split). I am at a loss. We used to sometimes spank his bottom, or raise our voice, I have since quit these things to try decrease his aggression and model good behavior. He continues to act this way at least one day of the time he is at my house and the rest we spend constantly chasing him and trying to remind him why he should make good choices. We were taken him to a therapist, but he was kicked out of preschool (this is the second time in 2 years) and his therapist (whom has assessed him and found him with ADHD) says theres nothing she can do.

      We are waiting for him to get into a specialized preschool behavioral support program, but I feel defeated. Constantly trying to keep up with him and he is becoming more risk-taking at my place. We continue to try to make every adjustment possible, but I am wondering if this is typical with ADHD? If it is possible for one parent to experience such severe while the other doesn’t?

      Also what do other parents do when their children are violent towards them? I can’t seem to get through to him and get him out of this state. I try to reason with him but at some point have to hold him until he stops.

      I am genuinely worried I stayed home with my son for most of the first 3 years of his life and moved mountains to be there, now I feel like he hates me, and his dad reminds me that I must be doing something wrong or else he wouldn’t behave this way since he doesn’t observe it.

      Ontop of that I am scared he is going to hurt himself or someone else in one of his fits, and worried because my son has injured himself doing risky things.

      I feel isolated in dealing with this, and because of the judgement I don’t feel supported and it is hard not to feel like I am doing something wrong.

    • #116531
      Penny Williams

      My favorite approach to aggression — and one I’ve seen work time and time again — is Ross Greene’s CPS model:

      I highly recommend his books “The Explosive Child,” and “Raising Human Beings.”

      ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Trainer & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

    • #116554

      I’m sorry, mama. My son was 3.5 when our daughter was born, and was finally diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety last month at almost age six. I can so relate to your exhaustion and struggle. One thing that helped me was remembering that we are our kids’ safe space, so, as unfair as it is, we see them at their most challenging. He may also sense that his world is about to change with the arrival of a new sibling. A resource I would recommend that has helped me gain insight and also some tools to try is Janet Lansbury’s Unruffled podcast. I listen in the car or whenever I can. She also has two books and a Facebook page. I have definitely learned that spanking and yelling get us nowhere with our son (and totally amp up the mom guilt). Plenty of outside time is best for us, where our son can scream and yell and explore to his heart’s content. I will say that our daughter, now 2.5, is a pretty tough cookie, having lived with a high energy ADHD brother who hasn’t been very gentle with her. He has never hurt her badly (and she has hurt him a time or two herself), but it’s been one of my biggest anxiety points since she’s been born. Lots of love to you!

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