mom of wife of adhd guy. how do I help?

Home Welcome to the ADDitude Forums For Spouses & Loved Ones mom of wife of adhd guy. how do I help?

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    • #102986

      My daughter (33) married a guy (31) who denies he has ADD/ADHD. She was on this forum prior to marrying him. The last advice to her was “don’t marry him” the night they eloped.

      I am heartbroken. They fought prior to marriage and they are still fighting but now they have 3 kids under 5. He blames her for his porn watching because “she doesn’t care about him” which is the farthest thing from the truth. She is sweet and loving to a fault.

      How can I help her? He went to a “doctor” after marriage (who had NO education in ADHD) and he said “oh, you are not ADHD”. So, that was that. (btw, I have a 20 yr old son with PDD-NOS so I am VERY informed about ADD, ADHD, and autistic spectrum disorders and our son and son in law have several behavioral traits that are alike).

      I’m trying to support her and lift her up when he tears her down. What else can I do? first paragraph in the front page article of the ADDitude website hits the nail on the head. She pays the bills and then he gets mad “where’s all the money?”. He goes to thrift stores and buys things he doesn’t need and then leaves them laying all around the house. He leaves everything laying around the house (everyone’s house I might add; shoes, keys, things he just bought, coats). He gets a disappointment at work and he “hates” his job; wants to do something different but doesn’t know what to do. Can’t go to college because he has no focus. Doesn’t help her at home just wants to do what he wants to do. Lets her go places with the 3 kids (5,2 and 4 months) at night (ie Harvest party at church) because he doesn’t want to go, so she gets to try to do it all. She loves him but he abuses her ) blames her for all his problems) when he is “depressed”. He’s “unhappy”.

      I don’t know if there is anything I can do. He needs help, she needs to learn how to deal with him.

    • #103050

      I’m sorry to hear this and that you are so concerned. But ultimately it is her life she has chosen and all you can do is be there for her when she needs a shoulder to cry on or listen. My mum can’t do anything to help me with my ADHD boyfriend and I’ve left endless times and gone back to him. He might even have narcissistic traits so you’re daughter may want to research that which my boyfriend does and it helps me to understand his rudeness and not get so upset. I hope you can set yourself free from the heavy weight of the worry you are carrying. My mum blames her sleepless nights on me but I hate that she is that worried it is destroying her health. I may choose to leave for good one day if his behaviour doesn’t improve but I first need to build my confidence which is what I am doing via MelanieToniaEvans. xxx

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