Mess.. admit defeat or keep believing?

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    • #184816
      Bess77
      Participant

      I am a 43 year old woman. As yet undiagnosed due to massive UK waiting lists but I know I have ADHD mostly inattentive. I am a single mum with a 3 year old and a6 year old, suspect the 6 year old may have ADHD, 3 year old possibly but too young to be sure…
      Anyway! I have always been super messy and quite a horder. I am very creative and very impractical. I wasn’t so concerned with my mess before I had kids because it was just me dealing with it and much fewer added organisational pressures.
      We just live in chaos all the time. I am pretty busy throughout the day, I am a stay at home mum but do some very part time internet work. I try really hard to keep on top of the mess, I struggle, it totally does my brain in! I hate the mess and disorder, I lose things constantly, the mess confuses me and makes me depressed. The kids are really messy, I am really messy. I recently had a house inspection, it took 10 days of doing nothing else apart from cleaning and organising to get it to a level that most people would still consider untidy. I decided I would try really hard to keep on top of it and then I got ill, for a week I could only get the kids out to school/nursery and wash up a bit and make dinner… Back to chaos central, back to square one.
      So here’s the point… Do I keep believing someday a miracle will happen? and I will learn how to organised or is this just believing that I can become neurotypical in some sense. Do I keep bloody believing or do I just give myself a break and accept that I have never been able to do it and never will and work on being ok with that? Is this admitting defeat? Is it ok to do so? I cannot stress enough have the mess impacts on me mentally. I don’t know what to do next!!
      I would love some feedback! Thank you!!! Sorry for the rambling.

      • This topic was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by Bess77.
    • #184919
      Yarlan Zey
      Participant

      You could concentrate first on things that you’re willing to get rid of. That might be things like:

      Food that has expired
      Worthless packaging (some packaging has value, but most packaging doesn’t)
      Clothes and shoes that are worn out or badly damaged

      You are creative, so hopefully you can find a way to use that strength to help you in this area.

      I just found something I used to follow when tidying up. I’ll copy and paste it:

      Kaizen: A Japanese Way to Approach Best Practices

      The methods that can help you successfully manage and organize the workplace in kaizen are called “the 5 S’s”, or “good housekeeping,” as referred to by others. They are set in place with the intention to simplify the work environment.

      The 5S’s are loosely translated as:

      Seiri (Tidiness): Unused and unneeded items are cleared out (this applies to your contact management system, too). Keeping your data organized, refreshed, properly labeled, and backed up are efficient ways for you and your staff to locate data as needed. The benefits of applying Seiri are a safer and tidier environment, less time wasted when searching for items, fewer hazards, less clutter to interfere with productive work space, and additional space from cleared out items. And possibly more brain space, too.

      Seiton (Orderliness): “A place for everything, and everything in its place.” Seiton focuses on the need for an orderly workplace to promote workflow.

      Seiso (Cleanliness): Indicates the need to keep the workplace clean and neat daily. The key point is that maintaining cleanliness should be part of everyday work—not an occasional activity initiated just when things get too messy.

      Seiketsu (Standardization): When the first three are set in place, they are then standardized. Create the rules, and then regulate them. Since it is easy to fall into old habits, this sets easy-to-follow standards and develops structure and conformity.

      Shitsuke (Sustenance): This refers to educating and maintaining standards. Once the previous 4S’s have been established, they become the new way to operate. Maintain the system and continue to improve it.

    • #184942
      Penny Williams
      Keymaster

      The less you have, then the less you have to manage, clean, and work around. Many ADHD experts recommend having as little stuff as possible. Then you can see what you do have and function better.

      Given your current state of overwhelm with it, you might consider hiring a professional organizer to come in and help you get to the point where you can easily maintain. Ultimately, you need a system that works for you, not necessarily the way others organize.

      The Professional Organizer’s Guide to Getting Rid of ADHD Clutter

      Shortcuts to a Cleaner, Less Cluttered House

      Penny
      ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Coach, Podcaster & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

    • #185138
      kobar
      Participant

      So here’s the point… Do I keep believing someday a miracle will happen? and I will learn how to organised or is this just believing that I can become neurotypical in some sense. Do I keep bloody believing or do I just give myself a break and accept that I have never been able to do it and never will and work on being ok with that? Is this admitting defeat? Is it ok to do so? I cannot stress enough have the mess impacts on me mentally. I don’t know what to do next!!

      I struggle to be functional too and I have been having your dialog internally for a number of years now.

      I try to push my way through and create a sort of inflated ego or mentality of “I can do it this time! I know I can! I’m smart and capable!”

      Never happens. Reality slams me again and again. I then get depressed.

      I have found some internal peace in accepting who I am and that this is how it will be.

      You are right to ask those questions. We are not, and never will be neurotypical.

      Medications help to a degree, but will not make you neurotypical.

      I don’t think of it as defeat. Just a realignment of self image and reality.

      The reason I replied is that the other replies are what I have heard and tried my whole life with no success.

      I think there is some sort of toxic optimism. Till the grave!

      Have some realistic optimism.
      Be real with who you are and how you have functioned throughout your life. That can be painful, but I have found it even more painful to dream otherwise.

      Do seek out some medication. It has helped me when I been able to get a prescription before. No cure though

    • #185328
      Yarlan Zey
      Participant

      Another thing to remember is that even for neurotypicals, keeping things tidy is a whole lot of work! I predict that there will be more and more people working as cleaners, because many people simply don’t have the time and energy to do it all themselves. I actually do quite a lot of cleaning in my job even though it’s not the main “job description”. If I didn’t do it though, the job would be more stressful and dangerous.

      I know the Japanese method I posted in my previous message might seem a bit “advanced” or whatever. For me it was an inspiration, maybe for you it isn’t.

      One thing that really helps me sometimes is to listen to a podcast or music while tidying up and cleaning. Also you could just concentrate on keeping your main living areas and hallway reasonably tidy. Let other areas slide a little.

      I do sympathise though, as cleaning up still often puts me in a bad mood!

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