July 18, 2017 at 7:20 pm #54381
have you read this superb comic on the “mental load”? Here is the link https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic
I am afraid that this pretty much describes my own life as a man with ADD living with my wife. I complete understand this problem, and the consequences of it, and I would definitely like to share the “mental load”, but the truth is that ADD really makes this extremely difficult.
The comic says “Of course, there’s nothing genetic or innate about this behaviour.”. Well, ADD does make “mental load” type of work (mentally planning and organizing things) and also “work-work” type of work specially difficult. Just think about the difficulties associated with executive function problems, difficulty to carry through a task from the beginning to the end, distractions and procrastination, etc., etc., etc..
Hence, while I totally aggree with most of this amazing comic, it is also true that there is indeed some genetic/innate cause for not taking our part of the mental load.
I understand that ADD may have a genetic or innate cause, but the exact cause of ADD is not the point here, what matters is that ADD, whatever its origin, makes it extremely difficult to take part in the “mental load” share.
I would be happy to hear your opinions about this!
July 20, 2017 at 10:18 am #54455bec1124Participant
First of all, I am (was) a wife with ADD, and my husband probably had ADD. I used to be a feminist, then I grew up and realized that we are just different people with different gifts and talents. I just lost my husband last week, and in our 33 years of marriage I learned a lot. Nothing will ever be equal (life isn’t that simple). Don’t keep score: it’s not a game with rules, it’s a relationship. People are different, with different strengths and weaknesses. Life is too short to pick at each other about loading/unloading the dishwasher. Wives who get to stay home with their children need to remember that their husbands have demanding jobs at work, too, and that they are probably carrying a mental load that they have not wanted to bother their wives with.
Life with ADD is hard – reading this comic made me realize why it can be so difficult -I handled all this stuff without realizing what it all was, and I will say I did not do very well at it! But my husband loved me and we tried to work at it together – not in gender roles, necessarily, not with me as “manager”, and I had to remember that he had a job which paid a lot more than mine, so his job took priority.
My advice to couples: love each other unconditionally (ADD and all), appreciate each other, respect each other, work together – realizing each other’s strength and weaknesses and forgive each other! Your relationship is much more than societal norms, politics or someone getting his/her own way. If ADD is an issue, get help – this magazine gives a lot of information on ADD, related conditions, types of treatment and where to get treatment. Don’t let chores, mental fatigue or ADD get in the way of your relationship. It is not worth it!
July 24, 2017 at 7:20 am #54697cloudbreaksParticipant
You know, seeing comments like bec1124’s is so disheartening because it underscores how far we still have to go to educate people about what feminism is. Feminism is simply the belief that all people are equal. Women are equal to men, period. Oppression is bad, period. Nowhere in feminism are there rules about who does what in your household. In a feminist household, the division of labor (including work both in and out of the home) would ideally be divided in a fair and balanced way that considered each person’s strengths and weaknesses. Are you working a 60 hour week outside the home while your spouse is a homemaker? Your spouse may choose to make the majority of the meals, clean your home and do all of the shopping. That’s a lot of work, and it’s still not enough to keep a home running smoothly – hence the “mental load” of every other little thing that needs to be remembered and completed. Let me just say that as a woman with ADHD, I still do the majority of the mental load tasks in our household. Partially because my husband works outside the home and I have more time for them, but also because, as a woman, I’ve been culturally groomed to do them. Luckily for me, my husband does chip in with things like vacuuming, helping to take care of our child and some meals. Otherwise I’d be expected to be “on” 24/7, I’d burn out, and I’d probably want a divorce. The point of the comic was that you should respect your partner. Find ways to balance each other that emphasize your strengths. And hey, put the clean dishes away when the dishwasher is done. You are capable of that, even if you have ADHD. Trust me, I do it every day.
July 24, 2017 at 7:33 am #54701
@cloudbreaks Thank you for articulating these thoughts so well. I’m your glad your husband helps you. I’m worried that women with ADHD are willingly taking on this extra burden & working ourselves to an early grave. This is why we still need feminism; women with ADHD are just expected to do everything woman without ADHD, and pick up the work of her partner. And we are ill because it. The pressures make us depressed, anxious & feel inadequate.
- This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by newtoadhd.
July 24, 2017 at 7:31 am #54700
@bec1124 I agree with @cloudbreaks that this is sad to hear, because of course we should have empathy for each other in a relationship. Having empathy doesn’t mean the woman in the relationship automatically picks up the slack for the man in a heterosexual relationship. I’m a working person (without being in a relationship) and I’m not going to do a 2nd shift in silence, especially when I already have ADHD. Are you kidding me?
This is what feminism has been about for the past century. And clearly it’s still needed.
July 24, 2017 at 7:15 am #54695bookworm92Participant
I see this every day between my sister and brother in law, and to a point me. My sister has a full schedule, with working two jobs and volunteering at church, so she and I tag team the mental load. During the semester, when I’m in school full time, my side of keeping up with the mental load starts to have some challenges since I also work. Between the two of us, we are regularly cooking, cleaning, picking up after brother in law, everything that’s needed to keep the house running. Meanwhile, brother in law is working only one job and it can take a month, or longer, to get him to do the thing we asked him to do. It’s at a point where sis and I basically carry the load until we’ve had enough, and then talk to him, because it makes no difference. I think in this situation gender stereotypes is in play. Bro in law was raised by a single mother, yes he has ADHD, but his mom also did a lot for him, and wasn’t home much. I think that taught bro in law that women are supposed to do everything. But then he starts getting upset about never seeing sis. So that’s just another thing to add to the mental load, and something I can’t help with. Sis trying to keep track of time to make sure she’s home with enough time to spend with him, and then stay up late to finish up the chores. To get up early and go to work and keep track of the house the next day. And this is without kids, unless you want to argue our cat, dog and ferrets are kids. Which reminds me, we still need to get some sort of vaccination for both the cat and dog.
July 24, 2017 at 7:25 am #54699
@bookworm92 That’s really unjust & I’m sorry your sister has to go through that. Our upbringing matters so much & if I have kids & I will make sure they achieve their independence even if they have ADHD. That’s a shortcoming on your brother-in-law’s end. I hope he gets the help he needs because your sister doesn’t deserve that, and I hope she understands she shouldn’t have put up with that, especially with her partner’s crazy demands.
August 23, 2017 at 2:29 am #58580
Get specific time-based concessions, the sooner the better. “Tomorrow, I need you to clean the kitchen because I’m taking Johnny to blah blah.” Then set up an autoscheduler to email a reminder.
Also, start pitching stuff he leaves around and won’t clean up into boxes in a closet or the garage. Tell him you’ll be doing it. When he wants something, either he cleans it all up or the next time things go in the trash. Weirdly, some people with ADHD particularly are okay with a massive effort when they really are in a bind but more greatly resent having to do little “unimportant” things.
July 24, 2017 at 7:18 am #54696
Hi RV, I’m going to agree with Cloudbreaks here. The point of the comic is to put into the stark terms the measurable time & effort that women have to put into heterosexual relationships. I have been raised as woman and have ADHD & I can tell you a woman with ADHD is a hard thing to be, because you’re faced with all the pressures of being a good parent & partner & have to compensate for you illness. That’s why women with ADHD are diagnosed with other illnesses at the same time, such as anxiety and depression. There’s so much weighing them down that feel overwhelmed and inadequate. It’s okay to rely on your partner if you feel you don’t have the capacity to help in one area, but ADHD-ers have persistence, drive and devotion. What make people with ADHD-ers great is that we have strengths, and you can use your strengths to help your partner. You love your family, and if you love your partner you would find a way to take a load off her back. You need to recognize that being able to do your job and having your partner take the mental load on that second-shift she’s working, trying to keep the family afloat, is a privilege. A man not being expected to carry that much weight in the family is a privilege that weighs down on women with ADHD. While society is still sorting itself out from placing unfair expectations on women, you can help out your partner wherever you can.
- This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by newtoadhd.
July 24, 2017 at 5:42 pm #54785
I don’t think that mixing the genders together is a good idea, if that’s what I’ve been reading above. It creates a lack of identity in both men and women, and that causes confusion and conflict. The roles of men and women are being blurred these days, when they should be complimenting each other.
I’d like to know from men, if anything sounds true in these excerpts from -King Warrior Magician Lover by Robert Moore & Douglass Gilette
The crisis in masculine the maturity is very much upon us. Lacking adequate models of mature men, and lacking
the societal cohesion and institutional structures for actualizing ritual process, it’s “every man for himself.” And
most of us fall by the way side, with no idea what it was that was the goal of our gender-drive or what went wrong
in our strivings. We just know we are anxious, on the verge of feeling impotent, helpless, frustrated, put down,
unloved and unappreciated, often ashamed of being masculine. … Many of us seek the generative, affirming, and
empowering father (though most of us don’t know it), the father who, for most of us, never existed in our actual
lives and won’t appear, no matter how hard we try to make him appear.
Because there is little or no ritual process … capable of boosting us from Boy psychology to Man psychology, we must
each go on our own (with each other’s help and support) to the deep sources of masculine energy potentials that lie
within us all. We must find a way of connecting with these sources of empowerment.
July 24, 2017 at 8:07 pm #54793cloudbreaksParticipant
@MrNeutron – I’m sorry, are you trying to assert that masculinity is so fragile it can’t withstand the act of moving a dish from one spot to another? Or that caring for your own child is “mixing genders together”? What about single fathers, who by necessity must do all the household chores and work outside the home? Are they some strange chimera of the 4 archetypes you mention, and therefore lacking in some way? I get the sense that you don’t have a working understanding of gender or psychology. Perhaps you are an alien who stumbled upon this book you cite and thought it gave a full description of human gender expression. I think you’d be better served by just not being a jerk and helping your spouse whenever it makes sense. Either that or moving on to a more pragmatic philosophy of human relationships.
July 24, 2017 at 11:48 pm #54797
I’m sorry you misunderstood, it has to do with human history and the roles we play.
This might better explain what I’m trying to convey.
The Family Unit during Roman times.
Few understand that the family unit is the basic building block of every thriving society. Within the family, young minds are first taught the importance of building character, controlling one’s emotions, setting worthwhile goals, striving for excellence—or at least this should be the case, as it was generations ago.
At the start of the Roman Empire, fathers took seriously their role in properly instructing, training and educating their sons, and mothers taught their daughters as well. The example of strong and active parents daily ingrained into children the importance of obedience, deference to civic authority and respect for the laws of the land.
But as new generations came of age, the family weakened and fractured. Husbands and wives gave in to the pulls of human nature to engage in widespread adultery, inevitably leading to increasing rates of broken marriages. Divorce for virtually any reason became legal; wives only had to say to their husbands three times in succession, “I divorce you!” to bring it to pass.
Also, parents came to spoil their children, who then grew up to become lazy adults who were irreverent, disobedient to authority and had little respect for the elderly or the “old paths” of social norms and values.
Likewise, the family unit in America, Britain, Australia, Canada and other sister nations of the West is under constant assault. Broken marriages and fractured households are now the norm.
Few fathers exercise a strong hand in teaching, guiding and correcting their young, often leaving mothers to fill both parental roles.
August 23, 2017 at 2:22 am #58578
You are very confused about history. “Familia” in Latin does not mean a blood-related unit, much less a nuclear family. It means a senior paterfamilias, his wife, their unmarried daughters, their sons, and the wives and offspring of their sons, their slaves of the paterfamilias, and his clientes. There was no concept of a family unit as a basic domestic living arrangement until the 1700 in Early Modern Europe. Before then, the family was synonymous with the household.
Roman men did NOT instruct their sons. That was a task for slaves and tutors–who were also often slaves. The slaves doing the caretaking were generally women until the boy was 7 or so and then they were men. If you want to look to Rome, then it’s the husband’s responsibility to provide enough that the wife’s heaviest duty is akin to weaving–laundry is the best equivalent today–and the rest the husband’s income paid to have other people do. A respectable Roman wife never stirred a pot longer than it took to taste the dish in her entire life!
Your parallel is incoherent. If you don’t want to wash dishes, then you need to make so much money you can pay someone else to do it.
- This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by gentlygenli.
July 25, 2017 at 2:17 am #54799
LOL. I find this amusing not only as a person who’s androgynous & genderqueer, but this thread took a predictable turn towards someone from Reddit/4chan coming over to promote their Men Go Their Own Way (MGTOW) because “feminism” was in the title. Without actually mentioning anything relevant to ADHD & the difficulties of raising a family with mental illness. It’s amazing to me because this person lumbered over to take over a thread started by someone who has a family to tell them men are losing themselves & they need to get rid of partners. Just dump the children somewhere. Who cares? And this idea will catch on to other people engaging in intelligent and earnest discussions about ADHD.
July 25, 2017 at 12:08 pm #54861
I don’t believe that mental illness just happens. Their are studies that correlate ADHD behaivior to a specific lack of parenting. My question was directed to men, but I have yet to see a man answer the question. There is no mention of disbanding the family unit on purpose, it’s quite the opposite. The point is that society and the family unit have radically changed over time, and correspondingly there’s been a dramatic increase in mental illness. I want to know the why. I’m questioning the idea of, I’m sick, there is something wrong with me, I need to be medicated. I’m not putting the blame on anyone, because there are factors that are beyond our control in today’s society that affect everyone in different ways.
I’m sorry if this question is again being misunderstood.
July 27, 2017 at 11:48 am #550352carseatsParticipant
It’s unfortunate that you believe mental illness “doesn’t just happen,” for it is uneducated to think there can be no biological cause. Given your participation on additude.com, an educational resource, perhaps this is a product of cognitive dissonance. Please share which large, peer-reviewed, published studies attribute “ADHD to a specific lack of parenting”?
August 23, 2017 at 2:11 am #58577
MrNeuron, your statement is absurd. My ADHD is genetic. Call it ADHD or dyslexia or dysgraphia or clumsy child syndrome or sensory integration disorder or a circadian rhythm disorder or, in some, autism or ppd-nos or nvld–it’s all the same ball of twine in my family’s case. My grandfather on one side was an autistic lawyer. On the other, my great uncle had undiagnosed LDs that included severe dyslexia. Every descendant of either side is intelligent but a piece of part of the wiring attached to that intelligence messes with other things in a predictable way. Every male descendant had to have a note-taker in college, for instance, due to dyslexia or dysgraphia or both. I just traded other people’s notes in return for tutoring them.
One grandfather’s mother was a farmer’s wife (and she therefore did farm wife work). The other’s was an electrical engineer’s wife and homemaker.
Many issues will go undiagnosed in a society where long term planning and strategy and prioritization isn’t important. We have a workd that’s turned what was mostly a difference into a greater disability. It’s not the world’s fault, but it’s nevertheless true.
August 3, 2017 at 5:44 pm #55979
Dear friends, thank you for your input!
newtoadhd: I do agree with you, but I also agree with bec1124 and I don’t really see so much conflict between these two views: feminism and “whatever works”. When there is ADHD in the family, some accommodations might be needed, and that might mean that someone will get more than the “fair amount” of the mental load, and the one who gets it maybe the woman *or the man* (I am in the context of a man-woman couple because that is the context I am in). I do agree with bec1124 in the sense that trying to put rigidly into practice an ideology might not work for anyone. But I do aggree with feminism, etc.. It’s like the same with democracy: democracy works when there is more to politics than just elections… Feminism works when there is more to family life rules than just 50% – 50% division of labor…
I am thankful for cloudbreaks input, even though I have learnt to be more soft with people I disagree with, and specially when I am not even sure whether there is indeed any disagreement.
MrNeutron: I cannot really agree with anything you say because it seems to me that you and I do not agree on the basic facts. If two people disagree on the basic facts, I don’t think there can be much convergence of opinions. And I am sorry to say, but this thing of citing some book and, then, that’s it “here is an argument” doesn’t make any sense to me because there are books and books, some are good, others are bad, some are scientifically up-to-date, some are just a-historical and non-scientific speculation. Books that easily mix normative and positive aspects of history or some science without telling the difference are usually not really recommendable.
August 22, 2017 at 12:23 pm #58498toomanytabsParticipant
Hi RV, As a woman with ADHD, I can definitely relate to the issue of “mental load” and how ADHD is absolutely a complicating factor. I would, though, propose a few points for consideration. Would a woman with ADHD be able to defer responsibility for mental load? In my experience, the answer is no. I tthink as people with ADHD who are in committed relationships, we have a responsibility to learn strategies to manage our ADHD, as much as possible, and to share the mental load of daily life with our spouses. Even if we are less than perfect at it, we owe it to our spouses to keep up rhe effort and not just shift the load. For their part, I think spouses of folks with ADHD need to recogize the effort that mental load requires from us, and value our contibutions in this area even if they aren’t always flawless.
Look at it this way: If you weren’t married, who would bear the mental load of cleaning, cooking, organizing appts, etc? If you have some things thar are particularly hard for you, as I do, I think its fine for your partner to take responsibility for these, but you can’t sort of defer responsibility for mental load wholesale. I also question why the eequitable division of household labour, mental or otherwise, is so often labelled “feminism” instead of “basic fairness,” but I digress 🙂 Sorry about any errors in spelling/grammar, I’m typing on my phone.
Edited: Just to clarify; I’m using “you” in the generic sense, referring to adults with ADHD in general, not any single individual
- This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by toomanytabs.
August 23, 2017 at 1:58 am #58576
Toomanytabs: Early in our marriage, my husband lived across the country for a while, and I found out what would happen.
He would live in filth because he literally never cleaned a floor or a bathroom. He would take in mail and pile it in the garage. He would miss bills entirely and only pay a parking ticket after he was in hot water. He wouldn’t notice when the new house flooded and the walls started to rot. He would never buy anything until the clothes were rotting off his body, so there’s that, at least. As for everything else…well, at least I realized then that he wasn’t consciously choosing to dump on me. He was just that dysfunctional. Masters degree in CS, among the most respected and in some circle even famous in his field. Yet there’s that….
He’s a very different person now. I haven’t even reminded him about oil changes in years. He chose to change and figured out what he needed to do to make the changes work for how his brain works. It’s not easy, but you can.
August 23, 2017 at 1:47 am #58574
The comic is irritating because it’s deaf to other kinds of mental loads that men traditionally did: yard care, car maintenance, house maintenance and repair, investments, financial planning, taxes, and, for the richer half of society, employment, as only poorer women used to do formal employment after marriage. Those also take plenty of mental energy–I say this as a working woman who used to get all these dumped on me, too, though I also have ADHD. (We had a Conversation when my husband nearly destroyed his car by never getting the oil changed.)
I have as little patience for the woman as the man, honestly. She needs to speak up. He needs to get in the habit of doing a share. (I won’t say “his” share because it’s really only going to be 50/50 if everyone tries to do all their stuff AND MORE because there’s always slack and extra work. 70/70 adds up to about 95 in reality, which is close enough.)
Consciously recognize all duties and explicitly divide or share them.
Next, designate a time for tasks that tend to not happen. Everyone drops everything and cleans at 7:30 when an alarm goes off at our house. Otherwise, things quickly devolve into chaos.
It doesn’t matter that it’s hard for you. You have to do it anyway. Figure out a way to not dump on your wife because you have the excuse of ADHD. You seem to realize that this is a failing of yours, which is great. Next, you’ve got to address it!
Be a decent person despite the difficulties by using automatic reminders and alarms and changing your lifestyle to remove as many unnecessary tasks as you can. My car gets the highest grade synthetic oil possible. Now I just have to get the oil changed every 6 months, and if that goes to 8, no big deal. I also have a mechanic who tracks everything that needs to be checked, and once a year, I tell him to do whatever maintenance is needed. In the house, I’ve purged thousands of things so I have less to maintain. I cook in mass quantities just twice a week. I make 2-4 dishes at a time, not counting little things like fruit and yogurt or salads, but only two days. I shop exactly once a week, except for home improvement projects or clothes (which I shop for about 3 times a year for me or the kids, when I don’t just buy their stuff at Super Walmart while I’m getting groceries). Simplify. Eliminate. Purge. Collaborate.
And check in with your wife!!!!
- This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by gentlygenli.
January 16, 2018 at 11:08 am #73739
Toomanytabs: I aggree: I believe that a woman with ADHD may not as easily as a man defer responsibility for mental load – but I wish anyone with ADHD could transfer that responsibility, and get some other responsibilities in order to keep the distribution of responsibilities balanced. Yes: we have also that responsibililty: to seek treatment – the problem there is that it is difficult – my example: living in a country where only two different ADHD meds are available. Basic fairness: I totally aggree!
Gentlygenli: there’s so much I aggree with you! “Consciously recognize all duties and explicitly divide or share them” + set a time in a shared calendar for doing the tasks that tend not to be done: absolutely!
Thank you for your comments!
January 17, 2018 at 8:11 pm #73953Ellings4Participant
bec1124 points out that although she and her husband ended up running their household with quite traditional gender roles, she felt loved and respected for her work. Their relationship felt fair – both worked hard and communicated an appreciation for the work of the other, they made an effort to make their relationship and their love a priority and to forgive each other and work to make it better when the balance wasn’t quite fair. She says “he loved me and we tried to work at it together”. This sounds like feminism to me. It’s not people doing exactly the same role, but people both contributing as equals towards a shared goal in ways they decide suit them best. We can suggest that she may have the definition of feminism wrong, as some replies did, but not shame her for her decision. It sounds like it was a wonderful relationship because of respect, good communication, and a commitment to working together to make sure it stayed fair.
I think the take-home message of many of these posts (and the original cartoon) hinge on good communication. Don’t assume it’s fair based on your perception, you may not be aware of what the other person is actually doing (like the mental load). But also that you have to take ownership of finding out how balanced it is and be willing to up your game if you find out it is lopsided towards the other person.
My question for the group is, any tips for sharing the mental load? The comic says she decided it’s easier for her just to do it herself…
Sharing it requires a coordinated effort… which is hard enough without ADHD.
January 17, 2018 at 11:18 pm #73970bec1124Participant
Thank you, Ellings4, for reading my post in its entirety, understanding what I was trying to say, and summarizing my point very well. That is exactly what I was trying to say!
I will say that I apologize for the statement that “I used to be a feminist, but then I grew up.” Please understand that I wrote that only 9 days after losing my husband of 33 years. the man who was my best friend, my confidante, my high school sweetheart, my favorite person to be with, and the person with whom I intended to grow old and to spend the rest of my life; I was not completely in my right mind at the time. I did not intend to be insulting, but I was talking mainly about myself. When I was young, I bought into the attitude that women needed to fight for equality (with an emphasis on fight), and I saw everything through that point of view. As I grew older, I realized that when people are “fighting” for their own cause, it automatically means they are “fighting” against the people on the other side of that point of view. As I looked at my dad, my husband, my brother-in-law and what we were teaching our son, I realized that each one of them loves(ed) the women in our family, respects(ed) us, is (was) concerned about our welfare and take (took) care of us. The women in my family are very lucky to have the men in our family, and we have, in return, taken care of them. No one kept score. No one was degraded or dumped on. I’ve seen my dad go from not knowing how to cook, but learning to make breakfast for us to give my mom a break. My dad goes to the grocery store for my mom all the time! He irons clothes, vacuums, keeps track of the car/house stuff, handles all the finances, and, because he was a building contractor, he fixed (or had people fix) everything! He also supported my mom in opening up a substantial import/retail business of her own. My husband could cook (and cooked more than I did), he was a great grocery shopper,a gift-giver, he cleaned, did laundry, and could fix almost everything. He understood my ADD, and never complained about picking up the slack. Yes, I handled a lot of the mental stress, but he was willing to help out wherever I needed. I also know that there were work things that contributed to his own mental load, which he usually did not share unless I pressed him to share. I know that he did not want to burden me with all that he was handling. What I was trying to say in my original post was that my relationship with my husband was far better than it would have been, if we had made it a contest and had kept track to make sure that it was exactly 50/50. In fact, he and I both believed that for a marriage to work, it should be more like 100% /100%. In fact, there were times each of us gave much more than 50% to the other because of circumstances, abilities and/or time. Although neither of us was perfect, we both were willing to do what it took to keep the marriage/family/household going. My comments were made only to help other people understand this, so that they, themselves, would not sacrifice a relationship for a cause. I realize that not all relationships are as strong, loving, respectful and fair as mine was, and what I am trying to share will not work in all situations. I do know what it is like to lose the love of my life at a relatively young age, though, and I am so thankful I gave up the score-keeping and focused on my relationship with my husband! Although he was very helpful and handled a lot of the responsibilities, what I miss the most now is not what he did for me, but the relationship, friendship and love that we shared. Please know that my comments were intended with the utmost of respect! Thank you.
October 31, 2018 at 9:08 am #102875
I aggree with you! It is important to communicate and to have a balance in the distribution of the work load and of the mental load. I even suggest relying on comparative advantage when distributing tasks!
I agree with you: when “fighting” for a cause, quite often it is better in many ways to use communication and try that other people understand rather than actually fighting them.
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