marriage struggling

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This topic contains 29 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  It’s A New Day 6 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #140806

    hope
    Participant

    Hi all
    Im new here and have been married 25years. Ill start by saying my husband is usually kind, would help anyone, very loyal and affectionate and extremely fun to be around when hes in the right mood. He does about half the cooking and gets involved with kids sport and study etc. He has undiagnosed ADHD, he fulfils most of the DSM 5 criteria ( I work in medical field and I have thought about this a lot). He refuses to consider the possibility and tells me to stop “trying to diagnose him’ or “counsel him” if I bring it up. I have suspected this for years now and the realisation has given me some peace in the messiness and disorganisation and the fact I have to be constantly remembering every detail about the kids needs, paying bills etc. I have come to accept this more. The advice I find online however is “do not mother your ADHD partner” but all articles go on to say give lists and reminders constantly, isnt that “mothering”?. Well my husband will say Im talking down to him or sometimes can get quite angry that I would suggest hes forgotten (even though he has), or will ignore the list. I try to be as even tempered as possible. So right here I see a contradiction in advice seemingly given. Maybe he gets upset because he wont consider or even look at ADHD as a possibility?
    The main thing that affects our marriage though is the rages. They occur probably every 3-6months but recently more frequent. I can feel them building with irritability and short curt replies to us all for weeks beforehand. Super sensitivity to any perceived slight anyone has against him (work and home), road rage etc Im totally walking on eggshells..and then he will explode at an innocuous and often suprising thing. It may be that the kids do not jump to his command or I ask a clarifying question about something and he’ll say Im “assuming” something (often doesnt make sense). Once it was when I told him to calm down, youll wake the kids when he reacted with swearing and shouting when the faulty fire alarm went off in the middle of night. Once it was because I was cutting the beans wrong in his eyes.He an be quite controlling at how things are done ( very ironic to me) In any case he erupts in pure rage. I cannot get a word in, he will rant at what a despicable person I am, will call me bitch and say I constantly critisize him and hes convinced I hate him, apparently Im always “negating” him. What an idiot I am to have done or said whatever the trigger was.Now this seems really unfair as I feel I do the lionshare of everything at home aswell as work 3 plus days a week, also overlook irritability in him often and truly do love him. (An example..He says Im negating him if he says the road is blocked and I respond with you can go another way, things I consider to be conversation) The rages can go on for up to about 24hrs. He says things like “youve really done it this time” ” If you weren’t such abitch I wouldnt be angry”more recently hes been saying the marriage is over but doesnt leave. Once he smashed my sons computer because he was too nervous to buy his own bus card another time he kicked in a door and has punched a wall. He is really really scary. At these times I feel so unsettled and cant stop crying but never get a chance to talk.There is no discussion. If Ianswer back its a very loud screaming match. If I go quiet he says “are you going to sulk about this all day now” Sometimes after he will be remorseful and wants to change but usually he wants me to ” accept half the blame” for his angry outbursts. Shamefully this is the first time ever Im reaching out for support
    Please with all your wealth of experience as ADHD spouses and those affected I need our marriage to improve or it might be over Any advice appreciated. Thanks for hearing me vent 🙂

  • #140825

    Beekind
    Participant

    Was in a similar situation (rages and all), get him tested – complete psychological evaluation, call a few places. MMPI/TOVA all of it. If untreated it has adverse affects on the kids among other things, please get him tested. Its expensive but look at it as a one time hit toward long term benefits for him, you, your kids etc.

  • #140989

    fac
    Participant

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  • #141166

    It’s A New Day
    Participant

    I have been married 32years and you have just described my marriage. In an effort to save my marriage, at my wife’s insistence, I went by myself for what I thought would be marriage counseling. One year and three therapists later, I was diagnosed with ADHD. This was last week.I cannot tell you what a rollercoaster of emotions I have gone through since then. Some good, some not so good. My therapist suggested I visit ADDitude.com. Finally I have discovered answers and reasons for all the things I thought were “wrong” with me. And equally as important, the hell I have put my wife through all these years. I encourage your husband to at least go on this website and to be totally honest with what he is all about. I’m not sure what path of treatment I will take, and I don’t know if it will save my marriage, it will save me! P S I was brought up by parents who believed any type of therapy was for crazy people. I wish I had known better than to listen to such nonsense.

    • #141169

      hope
      Participant

      Thanks for replying RT
      I will definately try to get him looking at this website. Ive got him to agree ADHD may be possible. Baby steps forward!
      Wow well done for making the move to get help. Im sure your wife will really appreciate it and I hope things improve for you
      Its actually a comfort to know others have had similar experiences. I havent talked to anyone really about this, kind of has been our family secret. Crazy I know but although I am tortured by this I do not want to betray my husband as he is essentially a good man. It feels good to share it. Im private and I do not want judgement from friends and family who will likely support me and the feel hostile to my husband for his poor treatment of us.
      Best of luck! I will be interested to hear how you get on

  • #141248

    It’s A New Day
    Participant

    Congratulations on your husband’s baby steps. If he does have ADHD, and is honest with himself, he will be overwhelmed to see a near exact description of his life with ADHD, as well as yours, through ADDitudes.com.
    ADHD has always been for me, a sarcastic jab, or joke at or about someone with excessive energy, can’t sit still, or always on the go. I now understand the seriousness of this illness and the damage it can do. Especially to a marriage and family.
    If he does get diagnosed with ADHD,I hope you will be patient and understanding should he choose to seek help.I know this will hard to do given all the pain, anger and frustration you go through on a daily basis. He will need your support. Trust me!
    I am worried I have done too much damage to my marriage to save it I don’t know how my wife could ever forgive, or understand, or be patient, anymore. I don’t even have the courage to ask. After all,I must take responsibility for my actions and not use ADHD as a lifelong excuse. Easier said than done.
    I find it ironic that I am opening up to a world of complete strangers, so easily, yet find it so hard to share this with my own wife. Maybe that’s part of the illness. I don’t know. I hope I have the strength to share this with her as I feel so alone (one of those “not so good” emotions I mentioned previously).
    I have shared my diagnosis work no one except my wife. For now, I will keep it that way until I figure out if I need to, or should share.
    I subscribe to no social media sites. I don’t even have a Facebook page! This is actually the first time I have ever responded to anything on the internet, and I want to thank you for your initial posting. Sharing is therapeutic.

  • #142037

    hope
    Participant

    Hi RT
    Hows it going? Have you made any changes and how is your wife going?
    We have had a fabulous week. My husband and I discussed ADHD and in particular rejection sensitivity dysphoria which rings true for us both
    He has reacted a few times aggressively and defensively, but fairly quickly retracted and apologised. He has cried and shown real insight. I am so thrilled he is recognising the effect of his ways on our family and really hope it lasts. Our eldest son (20) is having some counselling, he has anxiety partially because of the effects his fathers outbursts has had on him over the years
    Hoping you and your wife are doing well. Im here to talk if you need.. from her perspective

  • #142041

    AdeleS546
    Participant

    I’ve spoken with my fiancé about this. He says the person with ADHD needs to find a system that works for them. If the non-partner comes up with a list/reminder, it may not work. What makes sense and seems logical for one person may not work for another.
    My fiancé sought out a behavioral therapist years before we met, and was able to come up with a system to remind him to do things, and stay on task..with her help.
    Visit Melissa Orlov’s site. There are many who post about life with a spouse who is in denial that they have ADD/HD or deny that their ADHD is affecting their relationship.
    Your husband’s “Super Sensitivity” could be Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Melissa has written extensively about it.
    Your husband’s rages and rants sound like my ex-husband, who is a narcissist. I finally left our 17 year marriage after over a decade of gaslighting and verbal abuse. I was a nervous wreck from walking on eggshells, afraid of setting him off.
    His blaming you for being angry is abusive, and bull**it. He clearly has an anger issue.

  • #142047

    MrObvious
    Participant

    My wife has ADHD and I was undiagnosed until while we were dating/first married. At first I didn’t want to believe it, was in denial. It wasn’t until I finally looked at the symptoms that it clicked, maybe I do have ADD. Thankfully she had a great doctor who was ADHD herself and hyperfocused on biology and got her masters or doctorate in it and could literally tell you how a certain med will affect the body on a biological level. That doc is also quirky and fun too, and is able to keep her appointments short to 20-30 minutes (attention span, lol).

    We used to have bad fights in the 10 years we were married. My wife would be really mean and yell at me for not carrying my weight (hadn’t gotten therapy yet to try to help me get myself more organized), and I would shut down. I finally admitted that her yelling at me really hurt and it caused me to shut down and I couldn’t answer because it would make me frozen. She felt horrible and we worked to her not being so mean and me working to say how I felt.

    I think the thing to do is start talking about how you feel. Ask him to just listen and really express why you think he has ADHD, but you want him to come to that realization. Tell him you love him and you don’t want to have a fight every few months. Also, self examine yourself and see if you come across without realizing it as demeaning or otherwise.

    I agree, it may be rejection sensitivity dysphoria (which I admit I might have). You mentioned he’s sweet to everyone else. It’s hardest to get organized at home where you have to create your own structure, and he maybe is that way. He probably wants to be organized, but can’t because he doesn’t know how.

    The best thing you can do is be sweet and loving, and if he is getting overwhelmed, have him go to another room, shut the door, no distractions, and tell him to write out how he feels. That’s what I do if I’m overwhelmed and it helps.

    Just a thought from a husband’s perspective.

  • #142114

    Sun20
    Participant

    Hi Hope
    I totally empathise with you – I am in the same boat as you although perhaps six months down the line. You must realise that (ADHD or not) your husbands behaviour is abusive and you need to get a lot of support for yourself. Six months ago I started opening up to friends and family about the situation and I wish I had done it a long time ago. To continue to live like this is exhausting and is diminishing your life. By not telling people I was also living in a kind of denial. Baby steps are great though make sure he keeps stepping! Mine is stuck flip flopping between accepting there is a problem and then denying it. I love him and know it’s not his fault though I must see meaningful change (as in he needs to fully step into owning it) and effort otherwise I am done! It’s all very hard and heartbreaking. My heart is with yours x

  • #142131

    hope
    Participant

    Thankyou everyone for your replies. It really helps to honestly talk about the situation with people. I think you have all given me the confidence to really push hubby on this and he is responding well so far. I’ve always been wary of triggering an episode but I think the whole situation has become obviously a problem to us both that we must if we are to survive. Looking back I recognise the more resentful I have become the more I have subtly pushed back (which then further triggered RSD) but thanks for the nudge to take it further. I’m am very conscious that usually he is good and reasonable and time will tell. The next time he’s truly stressed or feeling overwhelmed will be the test but so far so good. (Although no talk of professional counselling yet 😬 …at least we are having open and honest dialogue)
    Thanks S5 for your perspective on the ADHD partner making their own organisation plans. I suggested this and hubby is now putting an alarm on his phone to remind him he has the oven on or has left hoses on watering. It’s a start I have considered narcissism many times before and for a while thought this was it but it doesn’t fit as not consistent really and he does usually show empathy. ADHD is a much better match and especially the RSD.
    I really appreciate your words obvious. I am trying to be kind even tempered and understanding. It’s easy while he’s trying, I’m really hoping that continues
    Sun20 Thankyou! You sound like you are in a very similar situation, have you separated and do u have kids? How long have you been together? I’ll be interested to hear how you go. Is your husband getting help Wow it’s amazing and freeing to connect with others who have been through similar. I have opened up to one friend but spared a few details (haven’t spared anything in my original post) She was very supportive and said she thought he could be a “hot head” …it’s true, he cannot hide his feelings from anyone. I always tell him to show people his kind side which is so lovely and not to ruin it with a sharp word in a moment of impatience or something
    Anyway I think it’s easier opening up to strangers so thanks and good luck to you all keep sharing xx

  • #142577

    It’s A New Day
    Participant

    Hi Hope,
    I’m sorry it has taken me so long to respond. With so many thoughts running through my mind, I have to write everything down first. Now I know why, lol.
    Since my last post, my wife and I have been trying to sweep up the “eggshells “. With each day, I strive to be more aware of my actions and reactions. I applaud my wife for being cautiously understanding. We have been using humor as much as possible when I take a step backwards. She is more aware when i am frustrated and keeps the mood on the lighter side. I thank her forthat. I hope this continues to work for us. I don’t want to “suck her back in” again. This new self awareness drives me to be a better husband, father, and person. I can’t put into words the internal joy I have been feeling.
    Along with professional therapy,these forums and this website, I know I will continue to move in the right direction.
    I would like to thank you and all for your continuous input. Please tell your spouses/partners in denial, they are not just denying themselves, but just as importantly, you, the person who loves them, of a chance for a better, happier life. Correct me if I’m wrong, but you wouldn’t still be there if you didn’t love them or care deeply for them. I was served with divorce papers a year ago. I was devastated. I begged and pleaded for ANOTHER chance (I’m sure you’ve heard that one before). We looked at many apts and houses for new. Fortunately, none of them worked out. Fast forward, I am forever humbled and am trying my best to rebuild my marriage. This is not a death sentence, but the quite the opposite. It’s a chance at a new way of thinking and life! With that being said, I’m asking the non-ADHD spouses/partners, what can I do to start mending the heart I have so badly broken? What would bring joy back into your life?

  • #142589

    It’s A New Day
    Participant

    P.S. I forgot to mentioned, she had rescinded the divorce papers.

  • #142883

    hope
    Participant

    Thankyou RT
    You sound so much further along than my husband. You give me hope!!
    You have so much insight
    We had a bit of a setback. I don’t want to bore you but feel a need to debrief. Sun 20 we had a bit of a flip flop!!
    Tuesday night hubby was helping 13 with his maths. It was a bit heated as son was resisting but we remained united as far as I thought. The only potentially offensive thing I said was when son ran to his room angry and yelling that hubby would be better handling that behaviour because he himself has obviously feels similar at times
    Although there was no sign I’d said anything wrong at the time
    Anyway evening wrapped up we all went to bed
    Next morning hubby up getting ready and starts yelling at me out of blue, woke me up to say “where do u get off treating me the way you did last night. I said “im sorry you feel that way” while racking my brains trying to think of what I had said that was so terrible. He says what a cop out statement. He’s been ruminating all night on how horrible I was.As usual I could not get a word in but was called despicable and he’s sick of me undermining him. I can deal with son 100% now he won’t be helping. I said the code phrase we worked out together in calmer times in an effort to tell him to stop..he mocked it. I asked him to lower his voice he said he’ll speak how he wants. He pushed and pushed me to say I was deliberately insulting him. He could not give me any examples Because it’s “not a court of law” I apologised for above statement the only thing I could think of that could be it! He yells wrong answer goodbye
    He left for work. I’m left just feeling so devastated it’s happening again so soon
    Soon after I got the first text ..this is it

    It is a simple question did you point out flaws in my character, did you make mention that I have got some issues in the workplace and did you say over and over again have some insight? If so highly inappropriate when dealing with (son)

    None of it’s true!! We had a war of words over the morning. I told him I loved him and this was RSD

    Here is more of what I am faced with

    If there is no recognition that what happened last night was avoidable and if you cannot see that arguing with me about who I am or what I have done in the past is terrible for helping (son) then we are going to have a major issues forever more. If you cannot accept that what you did is wrong than I really have nothing to talk to you about it work on. I am so utterly stunned that you are acting in this manner.

    AND

    You are choosing our marriage over not accepting you did something you shouldn’t have. That you acted like a bully and you are not at all helping Son? Is this what you want. 30 years of relationship and 25 years of marriage because you are so arrogant you can’t accept some else’s point of view because it doesn’t match up with your infallible memory. Can I ask you to really think of the answer

    Then when I got this one

    You have ended out marriage out it pure arrogance

    I went along with it..asked him to think about next step. I’m crying because it’s over. I’ve booked appt with counsellor (for me which I did)

    A bit of silence and he tried to call but I wouldn’t answer
    Then texts of apology
    Ending with this

    I sorry I didn’t recognise my anger
    This morning. I😍

    Of course I forgive immediately but do not forget! He’s been sweet and apologetic since
    Do I have to actually leave to stop this!!!
    JT if there’s one thing you can do it is keep reminding your wife you are aware and working on it even in good times. We need reassurance it won’t happen again because always shocked again and again
    Thanks for listening &your balanced counsel. I so wish you could talk to him but he’s nowhere near ready to be on a forum let alone that I am. I’m scared he may stumble on this thread and recognise himself because I don’t think the reaction would be positive
    You are doing fantastic, your wife must be so thrilled. If she’s like me all will be forgiven in a heartbeat if there is true change

    • #142912

      MrObvious
      Participant

      That apology text is encouraging. Keep working at communicating and you’ll get there. He is starting to see he’s overreacting, and he evidently wants to work on it. Rome wasn’t built in a day as they say.

    • #142989

      Sun20
      Participant

      Hope 🙂 Flip flopping sucks! It’s exhausting. You might not need to break up however you do need to step into taking complete responsibility of this situation- meaning if he isn’t going to, you must – meaning if he won’t do something about it, you must. (Look into The Work by Byron Katie). For your own mental health be committed to this changing. A sorry is a little bit encouraging however actions are the actual only meaningful thing. I would insist on an urgent appointment with a physchogist for you both under the guise of marriage counseling however find a senior one who has extensive knowledge of ADHD xx

  • #143142

    It’s A New Day
    Participant

    Hope,

    First of all you never bore me, instead, you inspire me to keep moving forward. My heart goes out to you. The rages can be very cruel. I believe we have them to keep the focus off of ourselves. We feel justified that it is not us. However, I know I never felt in my heart, what was coming out of my mouth. Hell, most of the time, I never even remembered what I had said by the next day. We really believe you will always be there and never leave us. Then the remorse, the apologies, you know the rest. Then there are the two or three, maybe more, wonderful weeks that follow. We get comfortable and confident all is well. And it begins all over again. How I wish I could help you and Sun20. I have never been this passionate about anything. I wish I could get thru to others in denial. They have no idea how much better it is to deal with it. They have no idea that you WILL leave at some point. And the apologies, tears and promises won’t work anymore. And remember, YOU are not to blame.
    Be well and take care of yourself. Please keep posting. It helps!

  • #143437

    hope
    Participant

    Hi all
    I had my first appt regarding this issue. I idiotically found it hard to talk without crying. The doc I saw didn’t know much about adhd but gave me name of a psychologist that I will pursue. I find it hard to open up and although she was very nice she didn’t push me for details and when I volunteered there was no real further prompting rather just advice he needs to seek help.She didn’t seem particularly interested which I guess is understandable I know he does need to find help but I just need to talk about it a bit. Not sure why I was so teary…prob the first time I’ve talked to an a real human being about the issues. I didn’t even really get much out about it at all but I guess that’s what the psychologist is for. Not sure what’s wrong with me, I’m almost regretting telling someone, why do I feel I have to handle everything on my own!! Why couldn’t I just speak about it without the embarrassing torrent of tears. I suppose it will be better with psychologist Anyway don’t really know what I’m saying but thanks for the support. You guys can’t see my tears and have to read all the details (or not) haha. Anonymously it’s easier. On an up note we’ve had a good week. Those between times are just fine! The mess drives me a bit mad but I can cope with that. I’m going to try and get hubby to talk about it more between meltdowns. He has to stay alert to it!!
    Hope you’re all going well

  • #143511

    It’s A New Day
    Participant

    Hope,

    What an amazing step forward you have taken. How I hope your husband realizes this and follows your lead, before you can’t take it anymore. You haven’t done anything wrong. You didn’t sign up for this, and neither did he. Please don’t beat yourself up. After years of placing blame on my wife,I now try to reassure her it wasn’t her fault. It was mine, unknowingly

    Unfortunately, there are many Drs who are not educated enough on the subject of ADHD, to properly administer therapy, for those with ADHD or the spouse of an ADHD person. Getting help is paramount. Finding the right therapist is the hard part. Don’t give up. The tears become therapeutic and cleansing instead of embarrassing when you are comfortable with your therapist.

    You asked,”Why do I feel like I have to handle everything on my own?”. It’s because we force you to. I say I can do the day to day tasks required to run a household. “Stop treating me like a baby.”,”Just let me do it”,”You don’t like the way I do it”,etc,etc. In reality, we both know the laundry would pile up, the bills would be late, or forgotten all together, and dinner would be a question of “what are we ordering tonight?”, at least in my case. I can’t put together a complete meal and now I know why. You are our safety net. We have come to rely exclusively on you. We think you will always be there for us. You took a vow. That’s not fair. You don’t deserve that. Then the day you tell us your are leaving (divorce). As I’ve stated, that’s when I woke up and sight help for me, for us. Now I am more honest letting my wife know what I’m feeling and thinking. I used to fear her “criticism” and “not understanding”. It has helped to avoid the explosive arguments.

    I am trying like hell to rebuild my marriage from the ground up, with honesty, therapy and communication. And if I fail,I will hold no resentment towards my wife as I can now honestly look back and realize I have put her through more pain than anyone should ever have to.

    Keep moving forward!

  • #143538

    AdeleS546
    Participant

    The sad thing is….

    What happens when the Non-ADHD spouse, who normally “does everything”, becomes unable to do so? If the Non partner has to undergo surgery or becomes disabled and physically cannot do everything. Not everyone can afford to hire help, or has family members to help them. For the most part, I think it comes down to acceptance and ownership on the part of the ADD/HD partner. You have to do things differently and ask for help sometimes. It took my fiance years to get to where he is now, but he has a system that works for him. He is a fabulous cook, and his house is neater than mine most of the time.
    I’d also like to add that although he makes it look easy, its not easy for him to do all that he does. He had to develop a system, and stick to it.

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 3 weeks ago by  AdeleS546.
    • This reply was modified 6 months, 3 weeks ago by  AdeleS546.
  • #143550

    It’s A New Day
    Participant

    Adele, You are correct, acceptance and ownership is key for the ADHD/ADD sufferer and their spouse or significant other. I have discovered this recently and now truly believe there is hope. I hope I can find my”system” as well.

  • #143564

    hope
    Participant

    Thanks RT
    Something I’ve noticed on these forum discussions is that many with ADHD seem to have been married a long time. This is likely testament to the true, loyal and loving person they are between emotional storms. This means a huge amount. Your wife has stayed with you this long. I bet she is feeling cautiously excited about the recognition and insight you have
    You’ve made the biggest step, stay focused and aware

  • #143565

    hope
    Participant

    Adele
    I have often fantasised about leaving the house and all it’s demands to my husbands management while I go away somewhere quiet clean and organised for a few weeks haha!! I would think maybe he’ll appreciate me now!!The only thing stopping me has been the thought of the horrific chaos I would come back to and be expected to deal with!!!

  • #143593

    It’s A New Day
    Participant

    Hope, I love your idea! Ok, maybe a”few weeks” is a bit extreme, but why not a long weekend. I think I will suggest that to my wife. Lord knows she deserves it. I could keep a daily log of my activities. Hourly, if need be. Upon her return, if she decides to, lol, we could openly review the log. It may help both of us. Thank you for the idea!

  • #143641

    hope
    Participant

    You should definitely do it JT! And if she’s agreeable to getaway apart from the usual stiff you could do some unexpected jobs (finishing them to completion of course 😆)
    Cleaning out and organising cupboards, changing the sheets or weeding a garden bed for example. Her mind will be blown by your ability to look and see what needs to be done! Neat and tidy on return essential, preferably with a cup of tea ready ☕️
    You are totally on the right track mate. Keep up the good work 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

  • #143642

    hope
    Participant

    I mean RT ..not JT (sorry usually I have better attention to detail 😄)

  • #143674

    It’s A New Day
    Participant

    I will definitely approach the subject when the time is right. It may be too soon right now.

    I went to therapy last night and always feel great afterwards. So I’m not sure why I’m feeling a little apprehensive today. Maybe I’m afraid the “joy of discovery” feeling is fading and I have to come back down to earth at some point. They say people don’t change. How do I change who I have been for now than 50yrs? How long will it take? Will it take? Patience is not one of my strong points, lol. Sorry, with all the questions running through my head, I’m just feeling a little down today. I tell myself I can do this. I want to do this. Can I? I know it won’t be as easy as I’m telling myself it will. I know it will take time. I know I have to keep moving forward.I keep wishing I had “woken up” years earlier.

    We had a little argument last night. Nothing major. No screaming and yelling. Just your basic disagreement, and I was left wondering if all the arguments will be my fault. Am I saying or doing the right thing, the wrong thing? I do ask, but I wonder if I still come across as condescending. I don’t mean to. I don’t want to. I really try to express that. Maybe she’s still weary about all this. I can’t blame her. I think I may be pushing too hard. Forcing her to accept the new me. I should probably take it down a notch. Give her time to adjust. I would appreciate your thoughts? I have re-read my posts and am left questioning.I seen to be going a mile a minute. Thanks in advance.

    • #143702

      MrObvious
      Participant

      Change takes time. That “people don’t change” adage is mostly true, but for someone who wants to change their habits that’s the trick. You’re learning new habits. Focus on that, not goals.

      Our relationship took a couple years to really improve but I’ve slowly been working on the areas I’ve been lacking in.

  • #143704

    hope
    Participant

    Hey RT
    I’m sorry you’re having a downer. It’s only natural that recovery of your marriage will take an undulating course. The fact you are reflecting on arguments shows progress I’m sure. Does your wife know the heroic effort you are putting in? It’s easy to fall back into old styles of arguing. You ask if all arguments are your fault. The answer would have to be of course not! Both parties should be working on this. I know my husband and I are trying to develop a new way of relating. We too are having little slips but so far so good with quick recovery. This morning He was in a doom and gloom mood. Coronavirus is end of world, stock market falling, his stomach doesn’t feel good after last nights meal, his shirt has shrunk, son not getting enough shifts at work blah blah blah. I was probably my usual see the positive side, easygoing, we can only control so much self.Well that’s how I felt, not how he interprets. In any case he all of a sudden gave me his angry face and aggressively and threateningly said I’m negating him again and he’s told me before not to do it. I immediately get a feeling in the pit of my stomach telling myself watch what you say, not quite knowing how to react to defuse. Questioning I must be so annoying with my perspective and how can he think I’m having a go, quite the opposite! I remind myself to keep my guard up. Thankfully he left and sent me an I love you text shortly after. We discussed a bit and he agreed we need to meet in middle He is not anywhere near your level of introspection but somewhat improved
    You seem unsure of how you should react etc. funny this is the life of your wife. The walking on egg shells thing. I think it can only mean you have more awareness and are thinking of things from her perspective. Do you guys talk about it and your feelings? I know even when happy my husband can be a bit too much for me. Boisterous is the word I think. I am cslmer, quieter (probably why we match tbh)
    I think yes tone it down a bit but stay living and present. Relationships are hard!! Keep debriefing 😊

  • #143719

    It’s A New Day
    Participant

    Thank you both for your responses. They help tremendously. Hope, you asked if I talk about my feelings. Not very much. I have always been afraid of being misunderstood. I also have a tendency to ramble which can cloud what I am trying to convey. This usually ends in an argument. Until last night. I figured, what do I have to lose?. I basically repeated what I had posted yesterday, and for the first time in a long time, I could tell she knew what I was saying was from the heart. She was extremely understanding and encouraged me to keep moving forward at a realistic pace. Great advice. We had a very nice evening together after that.

    Like you said Mr Obvious, start changing the habits and the achievement of goals will follow. Thank you both.

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