Marriage and Emotional Affairs

Home Welcome to the ADDitude Forums For Adults Relationships Marriage and Emotional Affairs

Tagged: 

This topic contains 14 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  MrNeutron 1 month, 3 weeks ago.

  • Author
    Posts
  • #87727

    noreputation
    Participant

    Has anyone experienced an emotional affair outside of your marriage with a person of opposite sex ? I have found some research that ADHD can contribute to emotional and physical affairs. In 19.5 years of marriage I have had 2 emotional with most recent one nearly becoming physical and many other situations of flirting. The wife and I seperated for 3 months before deciding make a commitment to reconcile our marriage. It has been 6 months since the affair ended and 3 months since moving back home. We have really struggled. My wife continues to forget about how my ADHD was a contributing factor to many things. She more or less thinks I am a prideful, arrogant bad guy. Any input or advise welcomed

  • #87739

    JBoom
    Participant

    Affairs, emotional or otherwise, are quite common in almost every culture. Monogamy is a creation of human imagination, not an inborn behavior. Evolutionarily speaking, our survival once depended on promiscuity, and most humans still have that urge to one extent or another. As such, the marital commitment is one that requires resisting one’s nature. While ADHD might make it more difficult to stick to such commitments, it is hard for most everybody.

    Whether true or not, I doubt your wife is interested in anything that sounds like an excuse to get out of your commitments. In other words, when you suggest your ADHD was a contributing factor, all she hears is, “I’m not sorry, and I’m going to do it again.”

    If you’re really unable to stick with the commitment due to your ADHD, you shouldn’t continue to agree to it. It’s not fair to put someone through a lie.

    • #87815

      noreputation
      Participant

      Jboom respectfully I do not agree with anything you said. God created marriage to be monogamous. My flesh was too weak against satans temptation. Why ADHD was a contributing factor is, we do and say irrational things.

  • #87812

    irishguy
    Participant

    I can relate to your problems. I have always struggled to maintain interest in my relationships. I am constantly looking at other women, fantasizing about having sex with them. I’ve been married for 4 years and I struggle to get motivated to have sex with my wife. 🙁

    It sucks, especially for her and I feel bad about it. I’ve recently starting looking into, and trying to understand whether my ADD is the cause of my ‘always looking for the next / a new shiny thing, or whether there is something else going on in my head.

  • #87817

    noreputation
    Participant

    Irish guy yes I have been there too, always looking at other woman. My last affair sucked me in so hard I could not see straight until it was too late. I never had a problem being attracted to my wife and being intimate with her. Other woman were filling emotional needs I was not getting at home. My wife told me last night I have 7 days to move out. She has no interest learning together how to overcome ADD issue. She does not want to put anymore effort and invested time in me. Im not giving up hope. She is joining for the first time seeing the PA who prescribes my medication. If you and the wife have not seeked an ADD marriage therapist together, do it now. We can not figure this out on our own no matter how research we do

  • #87824

    irishguy
    Participant

    hey, i’m sorry to hear your wife gave you that ultimatum. hopefully you can turn things around because it sounds like you really want to. has your wife previously put effort and time into understanding what’s going on with you? if not, i’d say she is being unreasonable but then she is likely still upset and angry about the affair.

    my wife and i recently started seeing a marriage counsellor (1 session) – not a specific add marriage counsellor. the lady seemed understanding when i spoke about the problems i have with intimacy and getting in the right frame of mind for it. and she also helped my wife see some things a little differently, which i feel will improve things a lot at home.

  • #87895

    JBoom
    Participant

    People! ADHD is not a valid excuse for hurting someone, nor is the person who was hurt under any obligation to “understand” that you have ADHD. Breaking a life-long promise to your supposed most important person is a betrayal that can’t be undone. There’s a level of trust that will never be restored, especially if all you offer is excuses that basically make it clear you don’t intend to take responsibility for your actions. This isn’t about missed appointments, not helping enough around the house, and an inability to keep organized. This is someone’s heart that was broken, and dream shattered, and trust lost.

    The treatments available for ADHD are very effective when followed. Given that, you have no excuse.

    You want to be forgiven? You want to repair the marriage? You want your spouse to understand? Then make a commitment to yourself to never do it again, and to follow a proven treatment plan. And stick with it. Show through your actions that you have learned your lesson and have changed, that you feel remorse and never want to cause that kind of hurt again. And you should understand that if you are forgiven, it will take as long as that person needs to feel ready to forgive you. Could be years.

    Otherwise, do your spouse a favor and let them out of the marriage without a hassle. It’s better not to promise than to make a promise you don’t intend to keep (or that you’re unable to keep).

  • #88109

    BelovedLeah
    Participant

    I have an ADHD husband. And I can try to be as understanding as possible… but if he ever expected me to just accept that ADHD meant that he was going to have periodic affairs and that he couldn’t help it —- well, then he could forget being married. JBoom said it so well. ADHD comes with so many hard things, but no one should have to ever accept that their spouse is just gonna cheat now and then.

    You are saying she isn’t trying to understand how ADHD affects things. Well, sir, you’re not taking her pain seriously. You’re trying to garner sympathy for hurting her in one of the most painful ways. Face up to the very real damage that you caused. And start using all those fabulous external reminder systems to help you be faithful to your wife, or whoever else you might be in a relationship with. Put post-its around you where you’re tempted at work. Something like “Keep your eyes on your work” or “Choose your wife” or even just “WIFE” if you’re afraid someone will see the messages to yourself. Use your phone to go off at certain times just to check yourself. Seriously. Isn’t your wife worth the effort???? Doesn’t her pain mean anything to you? Or is it all about “honey, but you don’t understaaaaaaaand?”

  • #88131

    noreputation
    Participant

    Jboom and belovedleah if my original post came across saying my ADD was to blame for emotional affair, I apologize. Like I said in earlier post, my flesh was weak and I did not guard my marriage, my home and family. I let my heart stray. I was a foolish man. I scarred my wives heart deeply. Even being on medication, I still do and say irrational things. What I am saying is those are symptoms of ADD. Jboom I have read behavorial treatment definetly helps so thank for the reminder. Unfortanately I procrasinated finding an ADD coach. My behavior and attitude has too change or my marriage will be over. I pray its not to late.
    God Bless

    • #88154

      JBoom
      Participant

      I was more responding to the other guys that posted, who seemed to be really encouraging the “ADHD as excuse” approach, and not offering any other advice.

  • #88204

    noreputation
    Participant

    JBoom I can see that. I was not clear enough on my question. That is one of my biggest issues not communicating what I’m really trying to say. It looks like I’m lying. ADHD did not cause my heart to stray. My heart is no longer a slave to lust. I have repented for my sin and Jesus has forgiven me. My wife has also forgiven me. She is an amazing woman and I’m blessed to call her my wife. I completed a 40 day recovery program on habitual sin. I was doing the hard work. When I do mess up, with anger or hurtful words/actions, I apologize soon after. Huge progress. My kids have noticed that is one of the biggest improvments. In the past I would make excuses or blame someone else. Wife and I doing a study together called marriage matters. Problem I got comfortable, complacent, not meeting my wives needs and stopped putting God at the center. I am trying to figure out why I would blow a second chance with my wife and kids. Talking to an ADHD coach and the resources she guided me to has been eye opening describing me and whats happening in my marriage. The information also helps your spouse and kids to better understand your disability. Medication can only do so much. Behavorial life style changes need to happen. I’m starting that today. Support from a spouse and kids can help someone with ADHD progress much quicker. No excuses here. I take full accountability for my actions. Lengthy response but my fingers started typing flowing from my heart.

  • #88266

    Angie_H
    Participant

    Hello, poolman47,

    In your original post you said your wife more or less thinks you are a prideful, arrogant bad guy. It is hard to know what someone else thinks. If your wife said these things to you, then you need to understand why she thinks these things. If you don’t really know how she feels, have a sincere conversation with the goal of finding out so you can have a better marriage. If you do not see the situation from your wife’s perspective, you will not be effective in changing her opinion of you.

    Affairs are a betrayal of trust, whether emotional, ‘nearly physical’, or physical. Flirting harms your marriage. How would you feel if your wife did these things? Have you made a sincere apology? Are you making amends? You need to do this on a daily basis to show your wife you value her and are committed to your marriage.

    What can you do to change your behaviors that harm your marriage? It is your behaviors that will make or break your marriage.

    Angie

    • #89074

      noreputation
      Participant

      I absolutely apologized to my wife and was making amends. Trouble is I let work take over again and neglected my wifes needs. My medication is helping but it wont help my behavior. My two biggest problems is procrastination and setting priorities. It was my responsibility to find a marriage therapist together which I failed to do. I thought were doing okay. Even with ADD we still have to be held accountable for our actions which I have taken responsibility for. I just learned within past 2 weeks that behavorial changes need to happen. I also check in daily with one of my accountability partners. Praise God I starting doing the techniques last week. Already see an improvement. I pray everyday my wife will see a change and reconsiders ending the marriage. I pray it is not to late

  • #89145

    MrNeutron
    Participant

    Does anyone here know the average level of promiscuous thoughts and actions in women?
    That’s the question you should be asking.

  • #88373

    JBoom
    Participant

    No offense, but if someone has to hire a spy to answer questions about their spouse, then the marriage is already over.

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.