Lost in Despair, Husband Unemployed AGAIN

Home Welcome to the ADDitude Forums For Spouses & Loved Ones Lost in Despair, Husband Unemployed AGAIN

Tagged: 

Viewing 7 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #85584
      moxiecola
      Participant

      I have ADD, I was diagnosed almost 10 years ago at the age of 35. My husband is undiagnosed and although has promised to get a diagnosis many times, does not. We have 5 children, 4 of whom have ADHD, 2 of whom have autism. We have been married 20 years next month. In those years I have worked part time 17, 15 at one job, 2 at my current one. He on the other hand has never held down a job for more than maybe 3 years and has sometimes gone years in between where he was completely unemployed. Our house was foreclosed on (though still currently residing in it, as it is pending). He PROMISED it would not come to foreclosure. It did. An hour ago, he called me at my job to say he was laid off from his current job that he was at for 6 months. We have very little in the way of an emergency fund as he is in sales and have had to dip into it frequently. I am at my wits end. We are on the verge of being homeless and now down to one income. I don’t know how to help him. I don’t know why he keeps getting laid off. He seems to be happy at each job and then the lay off comes (followed by depression). I am not necessarily looking for advice because I just don’t think there is any. I am really here to vent and commiserate with someone that’s been there.

    • #85618
      Penny Williams
      Keymaster

      It sounds like he has never found the right employment fit for him. When you’re really into what you’re doing at work, you perform better and people want to keep you around. I have a family member with ADHD that struggled to stay employed for probably 20 years. He has now had the same job for 8-10 years, because he is passionate about the work he’s doing.

      Can your husband work with an employment agency to determine his aptitudes and explore other career choices?

      Is Your Job Right for You?

      Penny
      ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Trainer & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

    • #86992
      thegreenjudy
      Participant

      Hey Moxi

      I am so sorry to hear about your distress. It’s quite a frustrating situation. My husband is not always well and has been a bit lackadaisical with jobs in the past. However, after being quite stern with him he did make changes. I have empathy for him but at the end of the day bills needed to be paid. He now works part-time –
      less money but steady income and less stress for him. Gladly we don’t have kids and I don’t know where you live but at least in the UK we get child support payments and out of work benefits. Also, there is still some social housing available for families with children, who usually get priority.

      I am the one with ADHD though and despite having a CV longer than my arm, I am rather conscientious because I don’t want to leave a bad impression. And when I started feeling fed up with my job, I would be the one to quit rather than wait until my lack of motivation had a greater impact on my performance. However I would usually try and find something else beforehand. Lately I have been in a job for the longest time I can remember – 3 years to be exact. I found something I enjoy which is IT Support.

      However, I did a lot of job changing and thinking about what I would really like to do. So in the end your husband has to take the bull by the horn and take responsibility in this area. There is no one particular advise I can give you, I think your husband knows very well what he needs to do.

      If this carries on though I would consider going to some marriage counselling or something – he has a responsibility for you and your family and if he doesn’t provide support financially I would give him an ultimatum as bad as that sounds. We live in a system that doesn’t support people with invisible health issues and that’s very unfortunate. But he needs to work within the options he has. If feeding 7 mouths is not motivation enough for him, I don’t know what will be.

    • #87010
      realtorvickyj
      Participant

      Hi Moxi, I’m so sorry to hear about your story. I am a Real Estate Broker and not an Attorney. I’m hoping that you have gotten some good legal advice. I’m more concerned about you being able to stay in your home. Are you saying that the house has already been foreclosed and the Bank has issued an eviction notice? If not, then you are you saying you received the Notice of Default with a future sale date or court date? The Banks by law have to offer you Mortgage Assistance. You have a right to request a ‘in-person’ meeting with the Bank. If you do so, it adds an additional time before they can foreclose. Thanks

      • #87426
        moxiecola
        Participant

        Realtorvickyj
        Yes, bank has foreclosed and issued an eviction notice. Our court date has been rescheduled twice. The next one is in a couple of weeks. We have spoken to numerous attorneys and finally settled on one that we were told was the best. He basically said “it’s just a matter of time” and told us to put a plan in place for when we are put out in the street. We had reached out to the bank many times over the years for help. They gave us no solution. Now I’m trying to decide where to go with my family of 7. My husband’s credit is shot. We would like to relocate some place where the cost of living is lower but a cross country move would probably cost us a fortune and who is gonna rent to someone with bad credit. I’m struggling to find a solution here and running out of time. 🙁

    • #87018
      sjkaplan
      Participant

      I have had ADD all my life. As a result, I have gone through many jobs. However, I also made it my business to learn as much as I could about ADD. The most important thing I learned was in which work environments an ADD person would be most likely to find success. Here is a short list, though I am sure you can add others:
      1. Teacher
      2. Cook or chef
      3. Photographer
      4. Writer
      You see the pattern. ADD folks do best in an environment where they work alone or are self-employed. The stress of supervision when one has an ADD resume can be overwhelming. And, because ADD. people have a flexible sense of time and time management, working for someone else can cause problems. ADDers often practice
      brinksmanhip. This means leaving a project until the last minute, at which point the ADD person can be a hero by completing the work at the penultimate moment. This can be managed by if the ADD person is self-employed. It did for me. I used my years of communications experience to become a high-tech PR consultant. I became successful and my practice thrived for over 25 years. Hope this helps.

    • #87040
      Uncle Dharma
      Participant

      This happens to me sometimes.
      At other times, former employers come looking to hire me again.
      The social security office have rated me in the worst category for unable to keep a job.

      For about 25 years, I have been working on computer contracts in a specialist area.
      Most co-workers are nerds and geeks who focus on the technical task and not the office politics.
      Many co-workers work non-standard hours, so me arriving late or working back late is their idea of normal.

      Other work that has suited me includes something where I face customers, where the interaction is only a few minutes long.
      Or as a trainer, where I shift into extrovert personality and we all have fun.

      Maybe a change of job could help.

    • #87067
      Existentialist
      Participant

      Moxi, You’ve got it (moxi, that is)! I am an attorney who has had ADHD probably all my life but didn’t know until I was around 40. I’ll be 60 this year. I agree with the responder above who said that your husband needs to find something he really loves to do. Even though I love practicing law, it is VERY difficult for me, at least the day to day stuff. I LOVE being in front of a jury and usually do well in trials, even if I don’t win. I’m not a “successful” attorney. In fact, I’m about to go into foreclosure.

      I have been through two marriages and fortunately, my second wife, the love of my life is working with me on getting back together. She understands my ADHD but it has still been very frustrating for her. We have had financial troubles for most of our time together and I take full responsibility. I just don’t have the self-discipline to keep the ADHD from interfering with my work life.

      I am also a musician. My first career was as a band director. I also love to write. I’m not trying to make this about me. I’m just giving an example of how diverse our interests can be.

      I encourage you to hang in there with your husband. Sales can be one of the most lucrative careers. Maybe he hasn’t found something that he really can believe in to sell. Maybe he could explore that with an ADHD counselor or coach. I can testify about how frustrating and depressing the employment factor can be. I see a counselor weekly who helps me cope with the work issues. It helps.

      Praying that you guys will find some relief.

      • #87429
        moxiecola
        Participant

        Existentialist
        I’m sorry you too are going through foreclosure. I know what that’s like. It sounds like you found your calling as a band instructor. My husband’s calling is little league baseball, specifically teaching kids the fundamentals and mechanics of baseball. Unfortunately, there is no such career but that is his passion. I agree 100% that he needs to see a counselor. I have been suggesting it for YEARS. He says he will go and then never does. He still hasn’t been tested for ADD. Again, promised to go but never does (which is another underlying issue in our marriage-the complete lack of follow through).

        Thank you for the prayers, I will do the same for you.

      • #87462
        Penny Williams
        Keymaster

        Can he work as a private baseball coach? People who are serious about their kids playing baseball/softball in college and such will hire a private coach. It’s like tutoring for sports. Sounds like that could be a great fit.

        As for moving to a new place where the cost of living is lower — I think that’s a great idea. I’ve wanted to do it for a few years but can’t right now (my son with ADHD FINALLY has friends and I won’t take that away from him). If moving everything cross-country is too expensive, what about selling your furniture and many of your belongings and really starting over? Maybe you could qualify for Section 8 housing vouchers in a new place until you get back on your feet again.

        Penny
        ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Trainer & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

    • #87070
      mom2sweetboys
      Participant

      Hi, I’m so sorry to hear this. I am in a similar situation. My husband is smart, funny and handsome… and has had countless job troubles his whole life. The past 3 years, he has been in and out of work. It is very stressful. I don’t know what to tell you except that I understand, and I feel your pain. I hope things look up for you soon. Sending love and strength to you.

      • #87428
        moxiecola
        Participant

        Mom2sweetboys
        Thank you for your kind words. I feel the same way about my husband. He has so much going for him and yet he has constant job troubles. He supposedly is good at what he does. He’s been in the industry over 20 years and people seek him out for advice. So I just don’t understand what the problem is. I’m not present at his place of work so I can’t see how he interacts with people but on the phone he seems to have no problems. I don’t know how to help him.

Viewing 7 reply threads

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.