Loss of relationship because of over medication

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    • #91256
      higgins
      Participant

      Hello all, I was given an extremely high prescription for adderall about three years ago. In the start of this I almost never took the medication – over the last year, as things in my business life grew a massive amount, I began to take the entire dose 60mg a day instant release. The context of my life was already incredibly stressful and it was because of this outside stress that I did not notice the side effects of the medication. In the last months of my using adderall, i was experiencing paranoia, intense anxiety, i was distancing myself from my friends and family and partner, I had hives almost every day, I had ringing in my ears and blurry vision and I was drinking way too much. The scary part about this for me was that I continued to think it was caused by the stress from work and my family. One of the reasons this happened is that I was never called back into the doctor to talk further about the medication, no one shared with me any of the possible side effects, so I just kept thinking it was the stress. I could not even sit down for more than 10 min and I lived with what I now see as was a constant sense of dread, or that something was going to go wrong any moment. I also had a really hard time controlling my temper, I had many many angry outbursts and yelled and slammed doors often, this is nothing like me, I still did not correlate this to the medication. I thought it was helping me deal with stress and having so much on my plate, not that it was causing me to be out of control. I lost my relationship because of this, and my partner refuses to see that the medication was the cause of the odd behavior I had been demonstrating over the last year. This has made the breakup incredibly difficult. The way i discovered that the prescription was too high was by calling the doctor to register for an anger management class, at which point he reviewed my story and medications and changed the dose to 10mg extended release from 60mg – i have now completely stopped using the medication – all of the side effects have stopped. It is incredibly hard for me to let go of the relationship and move on with this causal element, it feels like my partner is being unfair but at the same time I see how my behavior over the last year could push someone away – does anyone have any advice around how to communicate this to a partner without it feeling like I am using the medication as an excuse, I imagine some of you have seen what this medication can do to a person – I am really struggling to feel ok about what happened and let go because my partner wont acknowledge the medication as playing a role and I see it as playing the biggest role in our problems over the last year. Thanks

    • #91290
      rebell90
      Participant

      Hey there!

      So, in addition to very extreme ADHD, I am also a recovering alcoholic. (First treatment for alcohol withdrawal at 19 years old, I guess I ave my mom was to thank—all natives of County donegal Ireland). Anyway, the first few “rounds of sobriety attempts, my life was still a mess, even in my 12 step program that includes meetings, prayer, working the steps with a sponsor, etc. tbe 8-9tb Step, aka “amends” was so hard for me, bc my untreated adhd as destructive as active alcoholism., if not worse. Anyway, been sober for almost a year, along with simultaneously treated my adhd with adderral XR and a multiprude of cooing skills from strenuous running and yoga to iPhone Siri reminders and planners!

      Anyway, this is the first time my amends are not causing me fear and pain, bc my actions finally say I’m sorry for the way I acted.
      Your partner hopefully should see it was def the medication simply due to the change in YOU, but warning: it may take a bit of time.

      Anyway, as far as apologizing, my best advice(what works for me):
      You, your doc, and whoever seem to KNOW yes it was med side effect, BUT even though it was a cause out of your control, it still fruited actions and attitudes that hurt your partner, regardless if it was acting out of your true self or not. The best received amends I’ve made, are the ones I’ve stuck to the things I did , intentionally or not, that hurt the other. I would start with a script like .. “hey , i wanted to say when we were together and I *insert action* I think made you feel “*insert what emotions like scared frustrated sad etc*. I’m taking steps to be more *insert goal qualities*. And if there is anything i can do to make it right, I’d like to do that”. No mention of med I suggest, bc it can to others come off justifyable, eventually your partner may even say the med was def the cause of behavior changes:) and if there is backlash on what they reply, just listen and don’t interrupt is what works best in my experience, keep an open mind, we all can’t help how we feel, and justification can seem like invalidating the hurt we cause of another. When we listen to the emotions of others , it say “I care about your needs” and they see that, and usually reflect back

      Best wishes !!

      • #91296
        higgins
        Participant

        Thanks so much for this, its really helpful. My partner left me and has been really unwilling to see me at all, I have certainly written and we do communicate via email, there is a lot of hurt and I have done my best to be understanding and listen and I have listened and made numerous apologies, I like the idea of being more specific in saying sorry, particularly about talking about a few example of moments when this anger and behavior change really came up. I think, because we are seperated now – I have a bit of a desperate feeling about the medication issues being seen, it feels like otherwise it was all me and that angry person who i was while taking the medication is still here, this is where it gets hard. The difference in my state of mind, my mood, behavior and entire life is totally different to the last year, I mean its like astonshingly different, I stopped biting my nails, I work out again, I dont drink much at all, I sleep normally, I can handle all of my work and my life with ease again, I can watch TV, read books, walk my dog, I am reaching out to my friends again, I mean this list goes on and on – not to mention I dont have blurred vision, dont get hives and have not had another panic attack – so its about being ok with my partner potentially never recognizing what happened for me and that I am not under the influence of the medication and thus myself again. It is the hardest part, important to mention we had a pretty amazing life together for four years before this happened, it was the best relationship I have ever been invovled with, families met and liked each other, we both got along super well with the others family, in fact we lived together next to my entire family. My parents and sibilings also noticed the change in my behavior and were also concern but they did not see nearly as much of the trouble as my partner, that said, they have all taken note of the dramatic shift in my temperment and way of being, everyone was worried about me – they can see now that I am ok, which is a great relif, they do reflect back what has happneed to me and I am really thankful for that. Its just hard losing someone you love to something like this that is actually controlable, it was not mental illness it was too much of that medication, had really bad effects. Thanks again for your kind words please let me know if you have any other thoughts

    • #91302
      JBoom
      Participant

      I hate to say this, but there are many reasons that you should accept your partner’s decision and let it go. Whether or not your actions were under your control, the emotional damage caused by it is the same. Your very presence can be a trigger now, perhaps even triggering other past trauma that’s worse. And how can your partner know that you’ll never be wrongly medicated again and act the same way?

      Any pressure you apply to fix things will likely only make things worse. If there’s any chance of a future, you must accept the present without trying to control it. Give your partner the freedom to work this out without the stress of also working out the relationship or even feeling obligated to do so.

      Take the “if you love someone, set them free” approach on this one. Just as you are not 100% responsible for your actions, your partner is not 100% responsible for reacting to it in a self protecting way. Be as understanding as you want your partner to be.

      • #91307
        higgins
        Participant

        Thank you for this good advice, and I agree with you. I have actually done what you have said, I have not asked my partner to come back or much at all, this post was more about just having a hard time with repercussions of this experience. I see that the experience were emotionally damaging and I feel so much remorse around the entire experience – I have accepted the decision, and have encouraged and given all space and time requested, its just painful to lose someone this way. Thanks again for good advice

    • #91447
      rebell90
      Participant

      You’re welckme!!

      Honestly, one of the HARDEST things in life is dealing with being misunderstood. Dealing with someone not accepting your heart, I so so get it. I went off adhd medication while pregnant, unexpected pregnancy. Right before actually. Lswotvhes my insurance bc tuening 26, anand had to go to a place that mostly delay with addicts, and they saw I was a recovering alcoholic, and ripped me off adhd med, had awful hyperactivity, said it was bc I was bipolar not adhd and said it was mania. I told them I didn’t think was mania bc when I didn’t sleep, I was miserable where mania you still have energy. I had to pace and rock around all day or awful pain so they put me on ability, which caused full blown akathasia, seriously awful and they said I just needed more ability, made it worse and when I said this they said I just wanted pity!! The pain in ones body with zero dopamine is unbearable!! Finally found a neurologist, but at that point I was 6 months preggo and they didn’t feel comfortable adding back adhd med after being off, so I waited. I was in so much pain and everybody thought I was faking it to eye out of work and really get out of life. That couldn’t have been further from truth. My family believes me, bc they saw the instant change !! Eap when I switched to Adderall XR! And guess what? Adding a late afternoon second dose of adderral xr helped me Sleep better!!! My boyfriend still gets bitter on and off, bc he sometimes still thinks I was faking, but he had his own issues that caused him to cats blame on everyone. He’s an alcoholic and finally got sober two months ago from DUIs, and he still doesn’t have a sponsor, and “dry drinks” are so hard to live with, he’s still blaming all his hurts on others ya know? But in first situation, many people just assumed I “grew up” with the whole drastic positive change (like your recent positive change). They wouldn’t believe it was the med no matter how much I would try to convince them I would just be left frustrated . And hopeless and that fear of being misunderstood would grow and grow. Letting go that I cannot change others views is so so so hard. I get it. But you are worth it, and you may not rwlaoE it, but you do not have to let other people’s view of you determine your worth. So so hard to do, but relying on Hod for my source of security and validation has helped me ya know?

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