Looking for some hope

This topic contains 4 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  hayes 2 days, 19 hours ago.

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  • #81608

    ADwhat
    Participant

    I just stumbled on this forum as I am at my wits end with my husband and just started googling “husband can’t keep job and time management”. That google led me to this. I feel like my life has been taken away. All I do is work and try to figure out how to help my husband. We have been together for 5 years and married 3. In this time he has been fire from 3 jobs and has been unemployed the majority of the time. He hasn’t been able to hold a job for more than 6 months.
    I feel like a complete idiot, as I cashed in half of my retirement to invest in a start up business for my husband so he would have a job. Now I am working my 60 hour a week job and running his business on the evenings and weekends. I have never felt so alone. I am exhausted and have no idea what to do. I know he loves me, but he is unable to contribute to our marriage in many ways. I have told him he doesn’t have to work, but he refuses to take me up on that offer. To be honest, my life would be easier if he would just be a stay at home husband.
    Everyday he apologizes and promises the next day will be different. Is there really help for ADD? His therapist has diagnosed him, however, he is unable to follow-up with most tasks, therefore getting medication has not happened yet.
    If I file for divorce he will be homeless. I would love more than anything to make our marriage work, but I can’t take much more of this chaos.
    Thank you for letting me vent.

  • #81730

    ashoebox
    Participant

    Wow. You could basically be telling me my own story except that I have a wife, not a husband, and my income is not enough to support both of us. We’ve been together 8 years, married for 5. During the summer of 2016, we moved half way across the country to be closer to my family because I needed the support. Medication was instantly helpful (she has been on anti-anxiety and mood stabilizing meds for years before adding the adhd medication. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy has also helped. It has been challenging for me to take care of myself. I have a tendency to sacrifice my needs because I can cope better. I’m not sure what to say except that you’re not alone. We got the diagnosis 5 years ago, and we’re still figuring out treatment and the full impact of the disorder. Everyday I have to dig deeper into patience, kindness, and love. Give yourself the support you need. I’ve had to release a lot of poor decisions in the past: including very expensive ones. We are both learning this disorder. It takes time, money, and an incredible amount of patience. Hang in there.

  • #81756

    Kiwigal
    Participant

    I agree with the other response, your words are similar to my experience in many ways. First of all there is hope, second it will take time. My husband is 50 diagnosed ADHD at age 38. He has had about 40 jobs at least!! If he stayed a year I would feel like celebrating. In his defence he has never been fired, he has built a great reputation for being a good worker (electrician). One advantage of ADHD….energy!! I am new to this forum so am unsure of the rules but after my husband tried prescription meds he didn’t like the side effects. I loved it as he was calmer and I finally felt “something else” was handling the symptoms not me! The long story short he is now on a natural product that contains micro-nutrients specially designed to feed the brain what it needs. He takes the tablets daily and I can tell if he hasn’t taken them, restlessness abounds and he can get quite defensive if I ask has he taken them. They do dull down his energy level though. He used to go in and out of depressions but now he doesn’t. If you want more info take a look at the website http://www.truehope.com click on conditions ADHD. It mentions a professor Julia Rucklidge a NZ doctor doing research on the product my husband takes. I remember reading an article in a NZ newspaper about her research and contacted her out of desperation. She gave me information on the product. Anyway hang in there, do research about ADHD so you can determine what behaviours are ADHD related and what are not. My husband had to rid himself of a lot of guilt for how he was before getting onto something that actually worked for his ADHD.

    • This reply was modified 3 days, 17 hours ago by  Kiwigal.
  • #81838

    hayes
    Participant

    ADwhat – I am the ADD husband. I was diagnosed 15 yrs ago at 35 – we’ll be married 25 yrs this summer. Luckily, I have not had the struggles of maintaining employment (I have been teaching 24 yrs now). However, we have had the real struggles in our relationship that you seem to have. I have had monumental struggles with follow through and inattention, with the real defensiveness and shame that often comes with it. This has brought us to the brink quite a few times during our marriage – I’m rarely aware of it until it’s almost too late.

    I’ve taken meds throughout, but thought that would be enough. It’s only the last 18 months or so that I got serious about treatment, as well. I’ve found a really good therapist, and that seems to have me going in the right direction. I still have my moments (ADD never goes away!), but I feel like more of a partner than a 3rd child (we have a 19 yr old son and 16 yr old daughter).

    Your continued support and love means more than you know! The shame that comes from us realizing that we have dropped the ball again in our relationships is overpowering and debilitating. That being said, he needs to find a way to at least follow through with treatment. It took me some time – and I still have struggles. But both the immediate results, as well as the ongoing process are well worth it!

    One thing for you – allow yourself the space to do things to care for yourself. Whether it be scheduled alone time, time with friends, a spa day – things that give you energy for when things are rough. And he needs to let you! Then, I hope you can also find those ways to connect together – we’re so much better when we feel/know we’re a partner! It sounds like you really love each other – hold on to that! I’m so grateful that my wife does, and did not give up when she had every right to. There is help out there – I wish you both the best on wherever this journey takes you…

  • #81769

    Domino81
    Participant

    This post hurts my heart. He means well, I assume he’s a good guy, probably has a big heart. Shows moments of brilliance followed up by weeks of languishing frustration trying to find which buttons he pushed in what order like he was 12 years old again playing mortal combat for the first time. I know because that’s me, too. I am of two minds.. maybe the best thing for him is to file for divorce. Pull the security blanket from under him. Force him to really focus on better self care, better, more mindful treatment. A solid 8-hours, exercise, possible stimulant meds, supplements, meditation, etc. The other part, the part that’s been through the devistation of divorce. And not a day goes by that I wish I could have done it differently. Dr. Hallowell stresses all the time to, “find the right job and marry the right person.” I think I had her. You very well maybe that person for him. If you tough it out, I have a feeling it may get worse before it gets better. And I say that only because I know if he really buckles down to transform his life, with your help, he may get frustrated at the lack of immediate progress. It’s taken me 3 years to get where I’m at. I want to help. I want it all to work out in the end for you two. First step maybe to be brazenly honest with him. Watch this, maybe even watch it with him. https://youtu.be/SCAGc-rkIfo It’s almost 3 hours long, and even though it’s in regards to children, it’s still remarkably relevant.

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