April 12, 2017 at 6:10 pm #41321
This discussion was originally started by user mochadia in ADDitude’s now-retired community. The ADDitude editors have included it here to encourage more discussion.
This is my first posting, but I have finally had my last straw with my husband. We have been together for 6 years, have 2 children, and in that time the following as happened:
1. Totaled 3 cars in 6 years.
2. Has had 4 car accidents in 6 years, where he was at fault along with a few tickets 3 tickets. Just not paying attention or misjudgment.
3. Fired from 2 jobs. One for an inappropriate behavior complaint (nothing sexually based) and another for not paying attention to detail and lack of preparation for a very important project.
4. One person attempted to have a restraining order placed on him based on text messages. The judge threw the case out because there was nothing inappropriate about the text messaging, but texting the individual was not appropriate, especially for his position/career.
All of this has occurred along with all the normal, lack of follow through on home projects and parenting skills that one may face when they have ADHD. Those things are daily. Not to mention his immaturity. He is in his late-30s and acts like he is 18 at best. He does have a kind-heart, loves his family dearly, and has other good qualities, but those are no longer enough for me to stay. Especially when there is always some major crisis happening every year with him that affects the family and that I have to help clean up because it affects me and the children as well.
He just started working with a therapist twice a month and has finally started taking medication after having this diagnosis since he was in elementary school. I always believed that people can change and to believe the best in people, but I am finally to the point where I feel that I have to give up on this person and separate from him in order to protect me and my children from his reckless behavior. As a last ditch, what can be done to help him and save this marriage? I am willing to give it another year to see permanent change and growth in his behavior and character, but I am at a loss as to where to get help or treatment.
PS – I am already in my own therapy to try to manage my emotions in this.
April 12, 2017 at 6:12 pm #41322
This reply was originally posted by user spage_hasADD in ADDitude’s now-retired community.
I feel your frustration. I am the husband (53) with ADHD married 23 years to non-ADD wife (54) and we’ve had our battles. I was just let go from my job last month because I was always late to meetings and not being prepared. This is my 5th job loss since we’ve been married but this one hit her harder than the rest. My wife keeps demanding me to change into something impossible for me to be. Your husband can improve with medication, counseling, and coaching but he cannot change completely and will take time.. You have to decide weather you can be happy staying with your husband and accept the way he is knowing he will never grow out of it. He will most likely continue to forget appointments, neglect house chores, have employment problems, and future accidents if still allowed to drive. That also concerns me for your safety and others if riding in a car with him driving. Based on what you’ve said, I’d never get in a car with him behind the wheel. I wish you and also your husband a lifetime of happiness.
April 12, 2017 at 6:13 pm #41325
This reply was originally posted by user Mitzi McPike in ADDitude’s now-retired community.
I have to say reading your post I felt exhausted for you and I felt myself cringing. I used to be a lot like your husband. I never had any car accidents, but I was definitely out of control except I didn’t know I had ADHD until I was 49.
You mention he is finally taking medication. Congratulations! The right medication can make a world of difference. I hope he is feeling better and slowing down.
Something to remember with ADHD is that you are dealing with an imbalanced brain. The imbalance causes symptoms. Like your husband I had a “non-stop” motor. I operated full speed ahead 24/7. I also had symptoms of extreme anxiety, impulsiveness, overreactiveness and would lash out in fits of rage. I believe immaturity is par for the course. Maturity is very difficult with an imbalanced brain.
When I was diagnosed I had this image of driving down the highway going 65mph with my hands on the steering wheel with no brakes. I realized for the first time in my life just how terrified I was. I had no control over my body. This may or may not be true for anyone else with Hyperactive/Impulsive Type, but I didn’t realize this until I started on Ritalin. Then I calmed down on the inside. I felt for the first time what being grounded was like.
The right medication is definitely a plus with managing ADHD symptoms. Sometimes you have adjust the dosage. The fact that he is finally willing to try it is huge. I hope it works well for him.
Something else to consider since you are looking into all options is Neurofeedback. This is a simple and painless way to bring balance to the brain. It is recommended to have between 20-40 sessions. I had 24 sessions and it brought permanent balance to my brain.
I no longer run on impulse, absolutely no anxiety (which is unbelievable because I lived in a chronic state of anxiety til I was 49) no issues of rage and wake up every day feeling grounded.
In fact the only time I have felt truly anxious in the past year was when I was hospitalized with pneumonia and close to death (definitely appropriate then), but it passed quickly when I learned I would live.
Neurofeedback definitely works different for everyone, but the beauty of it is that you don’t do it forever.
You know I come across people almost every day that run on motors. In fact my husband’s best friend has undiagnosed ADHD and I feel such gratitude. I no longer have a chaotic life. My outside world finally reflects my inside world.
Good Luck to you! This is a great site for support.
April 12, 2017 at 6:14 pm #41327
This reply was originally posted by user Bob@addventurecoaching.com in ADDitude’s now-retired community.
I have been in the same situation as your husband. We men tend to find it difficult to ask for help. I was reading attitude magazine and the article asked: “are you ready for a coach?” That question started me on a career to become an ADHD coach and seven years later I still can’t do without my coach. I now have a terrific relationship with my wife.
Ari Tuckman wrote the book and has an excellent website entitled “Understand Your Brain Get More Done”. The book focuses on understanding the executive function deficits that hold us back and finding strategies to make it easier to get started on those tasks that you mentioned.
These are the four things that he recommends from a clinical standpoint.
• Family education as a clinical intervention.
• Effective medication options.
• Coaching for better time management, organization, and self-esteem issues.
• Cognitive behavioral therapy for depression, anxiety, and more.
A well-trained ADHD coach can help you coordinate all of these elements that are essential to a highly fulfilled life.
Bob Hathcock – ADDventure Coaching
April 12, 2017 at 6:16 pm #41330
This reply was originally posted by user ADHDmomma in ADDitude’s now-retired community.
I think setting realistic expectations of your husband is where you must start. You say, “I am willing to give it another year to see permanent change and growth in his behavior and character.”
There is no cure for ADHD. Permanent change isn’t possible. Effective treatment and working toward improvement is possible, and it sounds like your husband has taken that step.
ADHD is not a character flaw, it is a physiological difference in the brain—a disability. https://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/1017.html
While he’s working on therapy and medication for treatment and improvement, continue your own therapy and learn all you can about ADHD:
ADDconnect Moderator, Author on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen boy with ADHD, LDs, and autism
July 28, 2018 at 2:32 pm #89650ADDEDSTRESSParticipant
Diagnosed at 43yrs old, and after trying all Medications for depression w/o success, the diagnosis and stimulant Medication changed my life. It was a miracle, until the “shortages” from the former administration, and the re-emergence of a totally different and ineffective impostor of ALL Dextroamphetamine, and Adderall original meds. No one seems to be able to address this REAL Issue; I know I’m not the only one. Every ADHD manufacturer I’ve tried are ALL Nonstandardized, I have returned over 15. Many caused negative effects requiring medical appointments. Synthetic Arsenic AKA TRIOXIDE, CADMIUM, and Cephalon are dangerous Heavy Metals which should never be put in ANYTHING we ingest. Can Anyone Explain to me What Happened ?
You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Login