August 12, 2019 at 9:37 am #124875
I’ve got a beautiful life. Awesome wife, toddler, great new job with a top firm in an industry I’ve always wanted to be in; one well suited for a guy with ADHD. Beautiful home in the suburbs. Two dogs.
We’re busy. My wife travels. I commute 2 hours a day. We have 3 separate DIY projects going. I’m in a place where no matter how hard I work I can’t seem to meet expectations at home. Laundry undone, house kind of a mess, patio that was supposed to have been done a month ago still underway… For all the benefits of my new job, I now have considerably less flexibility than I used to.
I have to get to the office very well turned out and polished. She works for home when she’s not traveling, but easily works 55-65 hours a week. Objectively speaking, her job has a lot more responsibility than mine.
My wife is a high performer, bright, smart, and driven. It’s a lot of pressure for both of us, and it seems that pressure gets increased by the fact I can’t live up to expectations.
anyone have any thoughts? This morning just to get some place say this out loud.
August 12, 2019 at 10:44 am #124897
First, hire out what you can. You are both spending an incredible amount of time at work and traveling to and from work. It’s ok to get help with household chores. You can hire a laundry service, a handyman, someone to clean your home, groceries to your door, etc. Then, make everything else routine. For instance, the laundry is always done on Sundays.
Many adult with ADHD like the FLyLady to help with routines that keep your home tidy.
ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Trainer & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism
August 13, 2019 at 8:09 pm #125153
Oh wow what great advise! I say get a maid and always make you sure you are both taking a day off during the week to rest and recharge. Sleep all day. Get family time. Those types of things. Best of wishes! 🙂
August 14, 2019 at 12:05 am #125156
Maybe assess your priorities with your wife and see if your current lifestyle matches your priorities or if it needs some tweaking.
My husband and I recently did this and I ended up quitting my job that I enjoyed because I felt I wasn’t getting enough time with my quickly growing kiddos and the house and peace in our home was greatly suffering. It was scary but we are very happy. Of course I am not suggesting you take such drastic measures, just saying it is nice to check-in and make sure you are both doing exactly what you want to do with your lives. Best of luck to you!
August 14, 2019 at 9:08 am #125177
Thanks for the replies. I’m realizing the day I posted was over of ” those days”. Within a month or two I’ll be able to do my commutes off hours and handle emails from home- when I go from hourly to salary. We’ve had a monthly cleaning service since April and it’s a godsend. Since our son moved up to toddler and his tuition dropped this month, I’m looking to use part of the savings to send out my shirts (a solid half our laundry time is washing and ironing them) and also possibly get a nanny a couple afternoons a week when my wife travels so I can have an extra set of hands. We can afford all this stuff now, it’s just hard for us to accept we need help. We both were brought up in fiercley independent, diy, blue collar households. Our parents were the ones getting hired, not doing the hiring.
This too shall pass. Thanks everyone!
September 16, 2019 at 1:20 pm #127755
I’m back for what is probably a non ADHD posting. Let me say that I’m not in any danger, nor am I a threat to myself or others.
Depression sucks. it’s had it’s dirty claws into me for decades, and it always comes and goes. I’m on antidepressants and antianxiety medications, as well as my ADHD meds.
I’m finding myself increasingly “blank”. I feel quite lonely, lack purpose and drive, want to nap all the time. I have little patience. My son is the only part of my life that makes me smile. I’m in a job I will be great at and enjoy once I’m through the required exams, but until then I spend my days alone at my desk doing review. I feel disconnected from my wife.
I’m struggling right now. I’ll be increasing the self care and I know I’ll pull out, but I needed to admit this to someone other than myself.
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