Just started dating man with ADHD

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  • This topic has 5 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 1 year ago by Dizzy.
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    • #121475
      lucy101
      Participant

      Hi!

      I have met a man who recently got diagnosed with ADHD.
      We had a great time together until he after the third date thought that I was going to never want to see him again due to a minor inconvenience.
      He got very emotional (cried) and it freaked me out a bit but because of our good connection and everything I kept seeing him and found out later that he has ADHD. He wanted to see me all the time, like everyday, and he told me that he loves me within 3 weeks and I was freaked out again by how fast he wants to move forward so I decided to stop seeing him.

      We talked about my decision to stop seeing him later because he wanted to know what he had done wrong so I explained to him that he is rushing things too much. I said that a relationship needs to grow and develop on its own and that you can say you love someone when enough time has passed so that you’re both 100% certain that you mean it.
      He said that he understands my point of view and that he has always struggled with these things due to his ADHD, then he apologized for making me feel pushed towards a relationship too fast.
      He said that for me he is willing to slow down, but that he really does believe he loves me or at least feel very strongly for me…
      We have decided to be friends for now. He is also going to get prescribed medication for ADHD soon. Could the medication he will get help when it comes to wanting to move so fast? I am not entirely sure what those medications are designed to do exactly.

      Also is it typical with ADHD to rush into relationships? Will I have to keep reminding him to slow down with that?

      • This topic was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by lucy101.
    • #121517
      LuLu
      Participant

      Please stay at the “friends” level for months (yes months), and don’t let him push you any farther than you are comfortable. You sound like a thoughtful person, and clearly, his impulsivity has created doubts, so honor those doubts.
      Get to know him over a period of months (again, yes, months!) and try to get a sense of his commitment to himself and his ADHD. What has prompted him to get medications “soon”? Why hasn’t he gotten them already? Has he ever tried meds before or any other ways to manage ADHD? Has ADHD caused him problems in other areas of his life? Know this about meds: you don’t just go and get a prescription and that’s that. It’s a process that takes commitment. There are various types of meds and dosages with wide ranging effects and it can sometimes take awhile to figure out what works best. Also, has he actually received a diagnosis, or is just saying he’s ADHD without really knowing? What I’m saying is to be careful he’s not selling you a bill of goods — he’s sees that his impulsivity has made you pull back, he’s blaming it on ADHD, and he’s going to placate you by getting a prescription. It doesn’t work that way.

      Either way, this kind of impulsivity will most likely never change. And you will begin to see other traits. If there are things about him that you really truly like, you must ask yourself whether you can live with the whole package forever. If you do stay with it, please be kind to yourself and give yourself lots of love and space. An ADHD partner can consume you, and you need to set boundaries.

      • This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by LuLu.
      • #121579
        lucy101
        Participant

        Thanks for responding. Like I wrote he recently got diagnosed, meaning he has been officially diagnosed.
        He told me before I expressed that he’s moving too fast that he is waiting for an appointment to start testing medication so it’s not like he just blurted that out so i’d give him another chance. He has not been on medication before as he just got diagnosed a few months ago but he has always struggled in life and been different, had problems in school etc. so that’s why he got himself tested for ADHD. He has told me about the struggles he’s had because of undiagnosed ADHD before. I also guessed he had something like ADHD from the first time I met him but I didn’t mind it.
        He hasn’t already gotten on the meds because there’s a pretty long waiting line, at least in our town, to see someone for such things even after you’ve been diagnosed. I think it’s about 6 months that he needs to wait.
        So i’m guessing it’s going to take a long time to adjust to the medication or even try different ones?…

        • This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by lucy101.
        • This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by lucy101.
    • #121558
      hayes
      Participant

      Hi

      I’m an ADD spouse (married 26 years, diagnosed 17 yrs ago), and I agree completely with Lulu here. Has your prospective SO been properly tested and diagnosed? I once thought that meds alone would ‘fix’ my ADD. What I didn’t realize was that there were other issues that often accompany and exacerbate one’s ADD (like anxiety and shame for me), and they need to be addressed in partnership with the ADD. If not, the things with which he struggles will appear again down the road as Lulu hints at here.

      Lulu is so right above – take things slow here. He may be wonderfully caring and passionate, but it sounds like there’s some unhealthy learned relathionship patterns/strategies here with him. If not yet, a real diagnosis and treatment plan that possibly includes BOTH meds and therapy will help him build the healthy structures needed for your relationship to grow. If the relationship is worth it for you both – then the time Lulu mentions above will be worth it. I wish you well on this journey, and hope this perspective from ‘the other side’ helped…

      CHRIS

    • #133283
      Amy9412
      Participant

      Hi,

      I have been searching for support groups and have come accross this one.

      I have read your post and it is exactly the same from when I met my partner and I can totally understand where you steps coming from.

      I can only describe him as extremely full on, telling me he loved me within the first few weeks and literally asking me ‘will you be my girlfriend’ after dating me for 3 weeks.

      We have now been together for a year and I’m struggling alot with arguments. He never understands anything from my point of view and has outbursts of anger and frustration and tells me I’m not affection enough, dont have sex enough. Then the next day everything is fine? He has never been in a a relationship before apart from me and hes nearly 30 years old.

      I dont know how to cope with his up and down behaviour anymore and its tearing out relationship apart.

      What do I do?

      Please just kind comments because its causing me to get very upset every day. He thinks he had his adhd under control but he clearly doesn’t. He wont go on medication either.

      I love him very much but I’m getting emotionally tortured when he flips and cant control his emotions.

      Someone please help

    • #133285
      Dizzy
      Participant

      It does sound like a challenging relationship, Amy.

      If ya think about it, one of the main reasons people date is so
      that they can see how compatible they are with one another. I’m
      a big believer that longer relationships before marriage can save
      people an awful lot of money on divorce attorney’s.

      Considering his unwillingness to see a counselor/specialist, were I
      in your shoes, I would honestly have to consider whether I wished to
      continue the relationship.

      As an individual, you have every right to live your life as you choose,
      and to find love, comfort and happiness in a relationship.

      Just my $.02 ..

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