I’ve told lies.

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This topic contains 24 replies, has 12 voices, and was last updated by  Kareyn 1 week, 6 days ago.

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  • #100029

    h22k22-female
    Participant

    They are never pre meditated or calculated lies. In my life- off the cuff, whilst In direct fire or perceived fire, I’ve lied.
    I could label it- impulsive lies.

    Ive lied so badly I’ve had to cut contact with the group or person I’ve lied to.
    I can’t help myself it just slips off my tongue.

    I don’t tell lies consciously knowing I’d be found out, I’m not a sociopath. It’s nothing like that.
    It’s just everyday conversation usually with people who are new to me or I want to impress or who threaten me.
    They make a statement or ask a question and I responded with a complete lie.

    E.g I got soaking wet coming into school today, I brought Billy in on the scooter.
    My reply: ahhh so did we, we came in on our bikes.

    Total lie. Why?!

  • #100053

    Barzilla
    Participant

    In short this is because of the tiny dopamine release your brain gives you after taking a risky behavior. You probably dont even notice it since the amount is usually proportional to the level of risk taken, but it is enough to keep you from suffering the ennui that we ADD/ADHD bearers often get.

    • #100213

      h22k22-female
      Participant

      But I’ve never liked doing it.
      I lie sometimes when people tell me of a misfortune, I try to ‘sympathise’ in some connected way so they like me.
      But I have no idea how they are feeling. For that split moment I want them to believe my Aunty Flo died last year too.

  • #100076

    tigtuohy
    Participant

    Oh boy,
    This was posted so I could come clean on my own lying.I have severe ADHD . My sister does not. She is a planner AND a time watcher. Time does not exist in my world. I just work around it as best I can.
    I have also just broken up a 4 year relationship, and am extremely emotional right now.We had planned to go see our brother ( who lives in a nursing home)Labor Day weekend. I just didn’t have it to give and instead of saying that, I made up a HUGE story about getting in a wreck that kept growing and growing Like Pinocchio’s nose! I finally went over there.
    Never told her the truth…
    But never went to see brother.
    She did her day while I spent all the next day crying. I finally left and drove home.
    Liar in San José

    • This reply was modified 4 weeks ago by  tigtuohy. Reason: Phone typing!
    • #100214

      h22k22-female
      Participant

      I’ve literally closed the curtains and hid!
      That’s when I’m not emotional, I just don’t want to go somewhere. So go easy on yourself!
      Rather than man up and say thanks for the invite but no.
      I agree to go then regret it and lie my way into an excuse.
      I’ve had flat tyres, hospital visits, dead relatives.. I’m awful!

  • #100143

    kbj2017
    Participant

    This is tough for me, because my parents raised me to always be honest to everyone (ESPECIALLY THEM) & since it’s my first post here. I’m Kendall & I’m 19 years old now & in my second year of college. So I can’t afford to lie to anyone about anything. Even more than that though, it truly discourages me when I lie to someone because, to them, that means I don’t have enough respect for them to just be honest. The scary part is, it’s gotten easier for me to lie because I’ve done it so many times. I just feel so uncomfortable & alone when I lie because I know that it’s not the right thing to do. However, coming out with the truth about my mistakes always sounds worse in my head because the last thing I want is for my parents to be disappointed in me (plus my mom would get the belt on me either way I choose), given everything that they’ve done for me to be here. It’s gotten to the point now where my mom can’t even trust me anymore because I’ve lied so much. So, haven’t been feeling too well as of late, given my personal disappointment & loneliness from ADHD & school. I actually posted here to see if other people would understand my inner struggles & connect with other people who struggle with ADHD for myself, since my family can only do but so much.

    Thanks.

    • #100215

      h22k22-female
      Participant

      Ahh this sucks!
      College is great because all of the lies I told at college I left behind. I don’t keep contact with anyone from college now because they would know I didn’t have a son.
      Yes! I told them one day my kid was sick so I couldn’t attend lectures and used this lie to get me a free resit.
      I’m going to burn in hell!

      It does stop a bit with time. You can’t solve everything now, just be well and look after yourself. You don’t need everything to be in order right now, you just need to get through today with half a smile.

      I’m not sure if I read right, your Mother hits you with a belt and you are 19 years old? If that’s true- Your Mum is wrong. That’s abuse, it’s illegal, controlling and she is a very bad Mother. In fact I hate her for doing that to you.

      Thinking of you today and that’s no lie!

  • #100149

    Barzilla
    Participant

    First, congrats on having enough self awareness to know you need to stop. Next, I was a huge liar when I was younger (up until I was about 16); however I didn’t have the wherewithal to realize it was hurting my relation ships and myself. At least not until the day I realized I had repeated one lie so many times that I had actually formed a false memory of said lie. Thankfully one of my friends who was with me that day knew the real story and called me out on it, but I had 2 fully formed memories of the event in my head because of the lies.

    Now I only lie to be polite

    • #100216

      h22k22-female
      Participant

      Haha! Good tip thank you.
      It’s definately got less with age, or more controlled maybe.
      It’s awful when ive lied and a little scary at what I’m capable of.

      But even yesterday as I rushed 5 mins late to collect from school I told them I had a flat tyre. In reality I was on foot.
      It just rolled off my tongue and wouldn’t stop!

    • #100288

      kbj2017
      Participant

      I’m sorry I didn’t go into full detail about the belt part. I only said that to point out why it’s so easy for me to lie sometimes. Each time I lied to my mom when I was younger (between 7-12 years old I believe), she would whoop me with a belt because she HATES getting lied to. She doesn’t do it anymore. I haven’t been whooped since I was 11 or 12 years old honestly.
      I was only saying that those experiences I had as a kid (getting whooped) are what make me as self-aware & mature as I am now. Although, those same experiences are what also make me so afraid of taking risks or making mistakes now at 19 years old.
      BUT those experiences still affect me to this day. I’m my own worst enemy because of it. I’ve missed class for no legitimate reason & sometimes I just disengage from school for a while because it becomes exhausting to manage for so long, along with my ADHD. I just feel like I need a break from it every so often but I’ll fall behind if I stop working at it.
      Thanks for the advice I truly appreciate it!

    • #100289

      kbj2017
      Participant

      What I will say though is that it’s EXTREMELY beneficial to have people to go to when you’ve royally messed up. It’s better to have support than not to have it, TRUST ME. I have a few friends in college who know about these issues that I go through & it makes me feel very comfortable when I can go vent to them about something that bothers me. However, they cannot begin to relate to what I go through, hence why I came here. As supportive as they can be, they can’t truly understand what I go through (as only others with ADHD can understand). It saddens me that you feel that you have to cut off contact with everyone that you lie to.

    • #100360

      h22k22-female
      Participant

      Well don’t be sad for me because that’s patronising!
      I didnt want to be found out for telling a lie. I certainly don’t want friends understanding or sympathy, I’m not a victim!

      I just need to stay controlled as much as I can, don’t talk too much in unfamiliar surroundings or with new people. My lies these days are labelled white lies I think. Not the end of the world.

      I am insanely independent so I guess that’s why I don’t reach out much.

  • #100429

    Rachel76
    Participant

    I have lied my whole life. I recently came clean about the biggest lie to my husband. I told him my dad abuse me. I even told the doctor when I was 15. I said it because I wanted attention. I even made up stuff about where it happened. My husband now says he can’t trust me, he can’t understand how someone can lie about that.
    I also steal stuff. Just little things. It started with taking a few coins out of my mum’s purse, then when I started work I would steal stuff from there. I have stolen make up and money from friends.
    I am a horrible person and need to stop this. I know it would devastate my family if they found out. I don’t know why I do it, I am a grown up with a job and can buy myself things if I need them, I don’t need to steal. How do I stop??

    • #100584

      h22k22-female
      Participant

      You came clean?
      Sounds like you’ve mastered it more than you realise. There’s a group of people out there who think I had a son in the late 90’s.
      I hid from the truth and you faced it. You stayed around to deal with the consequences and for that you are stronger than me.
      You are stronger than most.
      We should be asking you how to do it!
      Good luck x

  • #100430

    donsense
    Participant

    I remember those days when lying for being late and for not completing assignments and just about anything else that would be considered unfavorable was the goto response. Fortunately as my teenage years passed along with my partial HS education my Twenties yielded better insight that the end of the world would not occur if I admitted my Peccadillos.
    Since i missed that surge of emotion with risk averse behavior I developed a technique to satisfy the need while still being honest to a point.
    Whenever i was inclined to tell a whopper i would begin the lie with the phrase « Did I (ever) tell you about?”
    And then to those who knew me I was BSing but to those who didnt the whopper was a way to impress. of course those who knew let the cat out of the bag ?….sometimes .

    • #100589

      donsense
      Participant

      Actually It took many years after my twenties to complete the process. The recent Senate investigation hearing reminded me about how I would react when challenged about an opinion or memory that i had just espoused. I would get louder and more belligerent at first and then if really caught would slide into a cautiously accepting but not apologizing role.

  • #100431

    Keywalker333
    Participant

    I read the OP, and every neuron in my frontal cortex fired! YES. I’ve always wondered why I do this. It is baffling and uncomfortable. I don’t mean to. It isn’t premeditated, not usually. It’s definitely an impulsive behavior, but I never associated it with my ADHD. In fact, I was only diagnosed a couple of years ago, at age 62. I’ve been different all my life, but I didn’t know why. My youngest son has struggled all his life with severe ADD, and I knew it was the source of many of his problems, but I didn’t know it might be my own dilemma until my older sister’s diagnosis.

    I don’t think she lies impulsively, though. I’ve lived with her for the past four years (I have MS, and it’s no longer safe to live alone). I think by now I would noticed inconsistencies if she did. She is incredibly forthright and highly moral. I feel even more like a bad person in present company than I did living independently, and that’s saying a lot. I’ve ALWAYS felt like a bad person for my ADD failures and the inability to always be truthful.

    It doesn’t make it any more okay, knowing that other ADD people have a similar control issue, but it does explain why I do this again and again, seemingly in spite of my own self–my own best intentions. I sure do appreciate the courage and the self-honesty that it took to make this post and to participate in it.

  • #100434

    Rachel76
    Participant

    YES!! I totally relate to this:

    Barzilla: I had repeated one lie so many times that I had actually formed a false memory of said lie.

    I have trouble differentiating between lies and actual memories. So much I sometimes have to check (my internal monologue goes crazy while I try to figure out what lie I told who)

    I am new on here and it is such a relief to read people’s posts. I have felt odd and different all my life. I now know why.

  • #100493

    GRADDitude
    Participant

    I can relate to your feeling ashamed for lying. Many years ago I found that by stopping my substance abuse/addictions (alcohol & weed). Which I used to use to cover up my woundedness. Getting help with recovery (AA & NA) helped me begin the process healing, and of getting to the point of being comfortable in my own skin most of the time. Enough so I would not feel the need to lie to anyone in order to feel accepted. Along the way I also got involved with and helped with ACOA (Adult Child Of Alcoholics) and CoDA (Codependence Anonymous), all are 12 Step programs. I am still involved with CoDA, and men’s circles. There were many a therapist along the path too, and I also discovered my ADHD. You are not alone. SO what drives what? WHat I do know today is that I was codependent before any of the addictions arose. That has been the most powerful healing antidote (CoDA). My “normal” today is most of the time I am not feeling sad, ashamed, hurt, or angry, but more happy. So early on in recovery when I wasn’t honest, I found I needed to own the truth with the person lied to, and also apologize, then move on. I realize everyone is different, and this only what was helpful for me. It is just a discription, and not a prescription.

    Eventually, I got to the place where I am today, when asked how I am? I can honestly reply “I never felt better, and I never had more”! Your asking for help took courage, and just keep taking the action and I think you will find that “things” will keep getting better.

  • #100519

    Figuringthisout
    Participant

    Do you have any advice for someone who is married to a person with add and lies compulsively?

    • #100559

      Rachel76
      Participant

      Advice for someone living with a compulsive liar? Do they admit to lying? Do they want help? I would say talk openly. Tell them you know they’re doing it, basically call them up on it. But most of all reassure them that you are not judging. Explain how it affects you, and that you want to help them. Then just listen and be there for them. Without judgement.

    • #100585

      h22k22-female
      Participant

      An ADHD person?
      Because I had a partner who was a sociopath, wow, you have never seen anything like it. Absolutely no social conscience at all.
      Scary.
      The way to tell is if they lie knowing they’ll be found out. Look up sociopath and you’ll see common traits.
      If they match, then end the relationship! I mean it!

      If it’s adhd lies then just have a chat and ask not to be lied to, think before they speak or even walk away as the lie starts. Give them a way out.
      They should be mortified you’ve raised it and want to make things right. ADHD peeps hate lying usually. Just read the comments here!

  • #100571

    Cupcake4242
    Participant

    I’m so relieved to know I’m not the only one who does this. I lie about big stuff, I lie about little stuff; they just roll off my tongue. I take other peoples’ stories and tell them as my own. And it’s not like I don’t have good stories of my own! I say what I think will be easier for people to hear than the actual truth, but the people in my life want the truth and hate the lies… the lies get me into more trouble than the truth I think I’ll get in trouble for. I’m
    constantly trying to remember what lies I’ve told to whom. Oh, what a tangled web I weave! And I’m 41. I’ve struggled with ADD my entire life and just thought I was lazy and stupid with no sense of time. But now I know the lies are a part of it. I tell a lie and then my brain is screaming at me like, “What the hell why are you lying right now???” I tell the truth, too. It’s not all lies, but I lie enough for it to be a concern. I even lie to myself! Fun!

  • #100622

    JJ89RedBaron
    Participant

    I used to be a “story stealer”. In other words, I would retell a fascinating story that I’d heard from someone else, but make myself the “star” of the fantastic tale. This works well only if I were telling it to an unrelated person or group from the “original teller”.
    Like the original poster said, these type of lies would just blurt out of my mouth for no reason. I guess I just wanted the receipient to like me or be impressed with me. I had done this all my life until recently. I’m 47 now and a pastor, so you can see the major conflict I had been living with! With the help of God and my faith, I have been able to overcome the temptation to do that self-destructive stuff, and I finally realized that I can still tell the ear-burning stories, even with the original participants as the “star”, and still get the dopamine high that accompanies it. And I must admit, there is something refreshing about living a life “in truth” without relying on fantasy to self-promote. I have learned that sometimes, the even greater challenge of telling the truth can be even more “exciting “ than stealing someone’s story.

  • #101278

    Kareyn
    Participant

    I have a suspicion that this will stop now that you’re so keenly aware. And I think you’re spot on with the sympathy. I have an intense craving to connect with others, and sure, what better way than to be like another, by similar experience? So impulsively we join in with the conversation in full agreement and bs before we even register we are doing it. Ha!
    I actually stopped this behavior mostly (I swear! Hee!), but I did it all the time in past! I seem to have stopped and started some impulsiveness as soon as I started meditation and mindfulness exercises.
    Now, what’s interesting is standing back and seeing what comes next by NOT chiming in. How uncomfortable am I? Can I find another way to be present and bond? Will just listening and smiling or asking “how was that?” be enough? How do I feel? Where’s my hit of oxytocin? What if I don’t connect?
    It’s actually very cool. Thanks for sharing this. I love it!

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