I’ve lost hope, will and desire to go on and keep trying

Home Welcome to the ADDitude Forums For Adults Emotions & Shame I’ve lost hope, will and desire to go on and keep trying

This topic contains 17 replies, has 12 voices, and was last updated by  janag 1 year, 5 months ago.

  • Author
    Posts
  • #101459

    Oscar
    Participant

    Hi, this is my first time here, and as I write this I’m debating myself over the point of reaching out. I don’t really know how to do this, I usually always try to do everything as perfectly as I can, but lately I don feel it’s even worth trying for me anymore. I’m from Mexico, I’m 32 years olds, married and with two daughters. I’ve lost all my friends but one,, I’ve lost everybody’s trust; my parents’, siblings’ my wife’s… and the worst part is that i don’t even believe in myself anymore. I grew up in a family of very successful parents, hard working people, and for as long as I can remember I have known or felt that i am different, special. As a child I remember not having many friends, not being too forward going, but rather always thinking to myself, I would always have this long conversations with myself, analyzing situations and possible outcomes to the most random and also meaningful situations. I remember being 8 years old and seeing the world as being so wrong, and so clearly, that I couldn’t understand how people didn’t notice, and always coming to the conclusion that one day, I would grow up and be able to change all those things one at a time until I made the world a better place. I was so wrong. As the years went by, I started to encounter different problems in every aspect of my life- school, home, relationships, society- I started to do poorly at school after third grade, and I also started getting in trouble for not measuring the consequences of my actions. I was way too curious, and only had my grandmother to look after me and my siblings. I would constantly loose my backpack at school, Gail to do homework, I was unintentionally mean to my classmates.. I set a mountain on fire while experimenting with fire, factories surrounding that mountain had to be evacuated, I stole a horse that I stumbled upon on my way home coming back from school; the owner had left the horse tied to a tree so that the horse could feed on some grass that had grown after a big storm, and I just didn’t really think it was someone else’s horse, I was just so happy I had found a horse, my mind took off and dreamed away.. little did my happiness last though… so I went on, barely finished elementary school, and started a very stressful and confusing part of my life. From seventh to ninth grade I made a circle of close friends, it is with these friends with whom I had some of the best experiences of my life, and some of the worst. Needless to say, I was constantly grounded for bad behavior and awful grades, but always found a way to slip out of my house at night, and steal my parents cars sometimes too. I had some 7 car accidents, 2 of which were total losses, until my parents opted to take their car keys with them to bed. After bareeeely finishing junior high, I was sent to Missouri, and attended the Missouri Military Academy. My first summer back home, I went to the beach with my cousins and my older brother, and had my first near death experience. I was water skiing, when I don’t really remember if I got distracted and wakeboarded out of the sea and crashed into a wall. I broke my left pinky toe to the point where it was only attached to my foot by a sliver of skin and muscle, and fissured my fifth and sixth lumbar vertebrae, and going back to the academy was out of the question. After having a cast covering from my hips to my armpits, they removed it and put me on a safety corset for another six months. It took me four more years to finish high school, and went to Guadalajara to study my bachelors. Less than two weeks after arriving I had a beautiful gorgeous girlfriend, with whom things didn’t go well and after a year and a half of suffering ended up in a nasty breakup. It was devastating for me, i spiraled down into a horrible depression. Spent entire days in my room, skipping school altogether and barely eating now and then. Until my roommate invited me to toke. I had tried pot a couple years back, but didn’t really feel anything, and I just thought it would be the only way to get him off my back, so I figured I might as well get it over with. I never expected what was coming to me. After my third or fourth drag I started to feel so relaxed, and suddenly I found myself laughing and talking and just not sad at all. I have to admit it was one of the best nights of my life. So this was it, the solution to my problem, the answer to breaking that toxic cycle, so I really embraced it and started smoking every day. It hadn’t been 10 days after I started smoking when I was offered MDMA. I tried it, and to be honest I loved it. I started consuming more and more and more regularly until I was totally hooked. I went on a road trip with my friends for the weekend and turned out to last a couple of weeks, I sold my laptop, clothes, shoes, sunglasses, watch, everything to buy more drugs, and in a matter of a couple of months I had lost about 40 lbs. I had two overdoses, the last one I was by myself and barely made it back. I got up from the floor covered on my own throw up, washed my face and didn’t recognize myself in the mirror. I had a lucid moment, a moment of clarity and reached out for help. Next day my older brother arrived with my plane ticket home. I got home at night and came clean to my parents, about everything, as I watched my mother almost drown herself in tears, and my father not look at me the entire conversation. After I finished my mother asked what I wanted to do, I answered I wanted treatment and the following morning I was admitted at a detox clinic. I stayed for a month, “graduated” and went back home. Then I just stayed home for about four months, and wasn’t allowed to go out by myself anymore. Until I couldn’t take it anymore. I got a job as a waiter working from 4:00 pm to 02:00 am, And soon found out some of my coworkers smoked weed and started smoking again. I felt very uncomfortable at home, I felt how everybody would change conversations as soon as I entered the kitchen, I felt frowned upon, rejected until eventually I left home, back to Guadalajara, looking for that false sense of happiness I once had found there. I got a job at a call center, and used all my money on drugs and some food. It didn’t fill the void though, and as soon as I was offered to go back home, i did. I started working for my father, he had just started a new project attempting to farm shrimp on submersible net pens off-shore, and I really got hooked with that job. I was the lead diver in a team of 18 divers, and I felt in my element with all the day to day decision making and crisis solving. I thrived, unfortunately the project did not. There were too many technical and technological obstacles, and after a couple of years the project was shut down and I found myself without a job. I was then offered to go back to school, and went with it for lack of a better option. Not long after, I met a girl, started going out with her and after two years of fights and the usual emotional roller coaster, she was pregnant. I had suffered so much in my early years that I had dreamed of having my own family, and being that father my father was never to, loving, patient, caring, understanding.. and when I saw those two pink stripes on the Pregnancy test, I bursted into tears of joy and happiness, my girlfriend not so much though.. I guess she had a better idea of what lied ahead for us. That was September, and on November the 27th I was happily married, with no studies, no money, no job, no car, no house, no nothing, nothing but my still undiscovered ADD. And so began a tedious, tormenting, exhausting and hurtful marriage. My wife was a Mexican-American, born in Mexico frommexican parents and raised in the US from age 7 to 21, when she came back to Mexico fleeing a toxic relationship with a boyfriend with anger management problems. It didn’t our help our trust issues when she gave birth to my first daughter when her mother convinced her to register our daughter with my last name as a middle name and her last name as my daughters last name. She filed as a single mother and I didn’t realize until about six months after, when I found out my mother in law had my daughter registered as her dependent, getting benefits like food stamps and welfare. I felt utterly and completely betrayed, and after confronting my wife, and her telling it was true and there was nothing I could do about it, I just stopped caring, about everything, my job, my house, everything, and retracted to solitud, and went on fighting for a couple of years. I jumped from one job to another for some time, and after finding out of a couple of affairs my wife had had, things got worse until I couldn’t take it anymore and left home. I went back to my parents house, disappointed the a whole lot more, losing stuff, missing meetings, not meeting the expectations, got back with the wife, separated again, back to parents, kicked out of the house by my father and went back to the wife once again. A couple of years ago I was going through a major depression and went to the psychiatrist, who diagnosed me with major depression and ADHD, and thus started my investigation on the subject. Everything started to make sense, I surfed the web without a rest for information, compared opinions, discarded what I considered trash and misinformation, but couldn’t afford treatment. My psychiatrist prescribed me strattera because of my substance abuse history, but it was never really a solution, the side effects were unbearable sometimes, and the results inconclusive at best, so I started trying with crystal meth to get myself going, but the cost has been to High on my body, and sometimes it gets the job done, sometimes it just makes me twitchy.. I’m tired, feel like I don’t belong, and honestly, I really have no hope
    Leftover..
    Sometimes when I’m driving back home I just cry and cry all the way by myself, wishing I could just go away and disappear, stop all the blaming and recriminations from my family, but I have a couple of daughters who I love, and who need their defective father to provide whatever he can whenever he can, so running away or opting out is not an option for me. I guess I’ll just have to go on, until my heart gives in and stops once and far all. ADD is not taken seriously here, and people always say it’s just an excuse for my incompetence, mediocrity, irresponsibility, carelessness, stupidity, conformism, etc. So, I hope you all the very best, Ben kind to one another and help each other out. Best regards. Peace. Out!

  • #101464

    Sarah812
    Participant

    Wow. What a life you have had! Please don’t give up though. You are worth it! I really that you get the help you need. I am 44 and I am going back to college, and I finally see how hard life is BECAUSE of my ADHD. I have not been formally diagnosed, so I have no medications. But I can see a lot of tips on this website that will help. Many people still do not understand ADHD or “believe” it exists. I will not listen to them.

    When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on. God bless you.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Sarah812.
    • This reply was modified 1 year, 5 months ago by  Sarah812.
  • #101467

    panchester07
    Participant

    I relate to some of your story. I also abused drugs and alcohol and now I can’t be prescribed any stimulants for my adhd, which sucks. It sucks to be an addict. But i disagree in the part that you said stupidity, i dont believe we are stupid, we are brilliant people. very creative. Sounds like your family doesn’t understand you and support you. I had a dad that put me down a lot growing up and shamed me trying to fix me. I suffer from social anxiety from that, im afraid of people and what they think of me. I also suffer from OCD, also started at the same age that I moved in with my father. Now I have an understanding mother who is very patient with me and loves me a lot. Im very thankful for her. Last time I was with my father he was understanding too, (he didnt yell at me at least). This forum has opened my eyes about adhd, and it all is starting to make sense. Now i have to rebuild my life, my reputation, having in mind that i have characteristics like impulsivity that can betray me and rub people the wrong way. I’ve made a fool of myself thousands of times. I also think whats the point, but I still have hope. One thing about us with adhd is that we are very perseverant and don’t give up. I believe many would have given up in my shoes, but I don’t. We also have gifts that we can use in our favor, so use your gifts. I always thought my real problem was social anciety and ocd, but being in this forum I see where it all started.

  • #101470

    Sarah812
    Participant

    In response to both messages, I suffer from social anxiety (not as much as I used to but still quite a bit)…I am thinking that all my depression/anxiety/social anxiety is a result of ADHD. After all, if enough people look at you funny….you start to feel bad…

  • #101538

    Penny Williams
    Keymaster

    Look at your diagnosis and reaching out here as the start of a fresh new beginning. Try to find a support group or someone with ADHD to talk to and confide in. While it’s not accepted where you live, you aren’t the only one struggling there.

    And find something you like to do or are successful at doing or that makes you feel good about yourself. Could be a hobby, volunteering, hiking or biking, cooking, a different line of work, etc… You need more wins.

    Your After-Diagnosis Survival Guide

    Are You Depressed? Be Like Mike!

    Penny
    ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Trainer & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

  • #101548

    Krismchacer
    Participant

    Hello and congratulations on reaching out! I don’t know about Mexico but the U.S. has a fair amount of treatment options for both substance abuse and ADHD. The difficulty is that the issues do feed off each other. I struggle with addiction to alcohol, caffeine, shopping, on-line surfing,video games, etc, etc. The problems seem to be the worst when I am missing something in my life or trying to fit into others’ descriptions of proper behavior. If money is the issue, you can reach out to 12-step programs, on-line support groups, and civic or local community outreach groups. Take what you can get from the other people, don’t focus on the differences you have from them. Many people in the programs have anxiety, depression, ADHD, etc and use the support to work on their particular problems. No one says you have to buy into EVERYTHING in the groups. I saw much of myself in your story even though there were many differences and my main problem is not drug use. Think of drug use as a symptom of your needs not being met, and sometimes you can work it out for yourself. I try to get rid of the “I should….” attitude and shoot for a middle ground I can live with. I am a 52-year old overweight female with an elderly mom I need to help care for. I am never going to be a beauty queen, be rich, or jet-set around the world. But I am a good person, with a small group of people I can trust, and I like myself. Some days more than others. You are a good person and sound like you’re “sick and tired of being sick and tired.” Be kind to yourself. You are worth it, even if just to find peace within yourself.

  • #101983

    janag
    Participant

    Hello there,

    From what you have written, it sounds like you have always been a receptive and sensitive child with a very rich inner world, with all the scenarios going in your head, perhaps overthinking things a little?

    Well there is a silver lining to every cloud and yours is that you have been finally diagnosed with ADHD and all of sudden, the things were started to make a perfect sense.

    All the day dreaming, constantly forgetting things, starting and not finishing things, perhaps stress and anxiety associated with learning new things and skills, right?

    As far as my story was concerned, I only found out about 3 weeks ago through a You Tube video and the guy was describing my life story. I was literally jumping for joy that a host of symptoms I have been experiencing whole my life could be clustered together and it has a name!

    All of sudden, I was NOT a crazy person and the most importantly, I was not alone !!!!
    Knowing that there are thousands of people going through similar struggles provided me a strange comfort.

    On the other hand, I am NOT a big medications fan.
    10 years ago, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and was given various medications. They did not help with my condition, they made me like a zombie and I could still feel emotional pain, despair and fears I had prior to medications.

    I have always been very intuitive about my other disorders, like BPD and social anxiety ( which I now have completely healed – medication free ). I figure, that the plaster over a massive emotional wound won’t do it. I tried to figure WHAT makes me so depressed and anxious and how can I heal without covering the root problem.

    EXAMPLE:

    I figured, that I was very fearful of people and felt very easily intimidated – and I would not confront them. So, I started reasonably confront people when was required and I started to feel better about myself, more confident, because I established the boundaries.

    Coming to the point, with my ADHD, I always got so stressed out and frustrated when learning new things, that I would very frequently try to relieve the stress by the way of escapism: playing the music, browsing the internet or going on Facebook.

    I have always been a person who got so easily bored, I would try to entertain myself ALL the time. I would set to swat for an exam in the morning and then I would get carried away after 10 minutes and then ended up binge watching the movies, for the rest of the afternoon.

    This was my form of ” escapism ” so to speak. So I figure, I need a structure in my life.

    EXAMPLE:

    I would not allow myself to check the phone for next 8 hours, when studying or working, because I was only looking for next thing to entertain me.

    ADHDs generally lack structure and organisation and this HAS to be introduced into our lives.

    I have always thought that I suffer of learning disability of some sort.
    But because our minds are so all over the place, it is not a disability, but rather distraction as our mind is in 10 different places at the same time!

    As for you:

    Do you think you could undergo a therapy sessions with your therapist, rather than medicate? Perhaps, it would be useful to establish where your ADHD come from, what is a root of a problem?

    Mine was the lack of a structure when I was growing up.
    Our home had been always very chaotic, with mother, father & grandma constantly arguing, shouting.

    I grew up in a messy home and we kids would have NO structure and routine whatsoever.
    As a child, I found it very difficult to follow a rigid structure of school environment with so many different classes and demands – I found it very overwhelming and emotionally draining.

    By the time, I was attending a secondary school, I was a nervous wreck and was experiencing severe permanence related anxiety and depression.

    I was failing to keep up with classes and was struggling to pay attention. I didn’t get along with my classmates and was labelled as the most disorganised person on the planet by teachers and students alike.

    By the time I came out of secondary school, not only did I acquire zero social skills ( as I was shunned for being ugly and stupid, so I would not talk to anyone ) but had ( what I thought ) a massive learning disability, that would set me off for the life of failure.

    I would also highly suggest journaling and thus ” decluttering ” your day before you go to bed. It had a massive impact on my ADHD. Going through a day and assessing your day is one of the best thing I have ever done.

    Example from my personal diary:

    The first thing you have done when you woke up is going to Facebook.
    This is not acceptable a you lost half an hour in the morning!

    Well done for reading a book for an entire hour without attempting to entertain yourself ( food, Wassup, doing nails, etc…)

    I hope that some of it will make sense to you!

  • #102100

    kazjakdude
    Participant

    DO NOT GIVE UP!!!!! Keep writing on this forum. I too feel the same. My life has been different but with same result. As far as I know there is no support whatever where I live so that is why I joined this site. At least you are with people who care and best of all they get it. No having to explain or feel embarassed. Everyone has been through same or similar. Dont give up! Hang in there. You are a beautiful person with loads to offer. I loved how you had so much to say. i was too scared to talk too much on here for fear of frightening people away so it gives me courage to talk more on here when I see how much you wrote. Please keep in contact. Would love to see how you get on!!

  • #102115

    Sarah812
    Participant

    I just came across your headline again and it struck me because today I realized that I forgot to do one of my quizzes in my online college class so I’m going to miss a lot of marks…I feel utterly IN DESPAIR, like I might as well give up on college all together or go try to live under a bridge somewhere because I will never amount to anything. I know in my head that this is not logical but that’s how bad I feel…this is yet another symptom or result of ADHD…I thought it was just me being weird all this time…

    • #102205

      janag
      Participant

      Hey Sara,

      Just hang in there.
      I feel like many ADHDs are prone to suffering of BPD.
      When you have BPD, you only see things black and white.

      Please don’t be too hard on yourself.
      People with ADHD have it considerably more difficult to learn new things.

      Also, this might be your case, I would always get very emotional because of my grades.
      You might not have been able to say anything nice about yourself at the moment of writing, but once your emotions have returned to a baseline, you will be able to see clearly again.

      Please keep me posted about the result of your test.

      Love,

      Jana

    • #102211

      Sarah812
      Participant

      Thanks Jana, I do feel better now. i think that thing called Image result for rejection sensitive dysphoria makes things much worse. I checked my grades and they seem to be high so far. Let’s see how the actual exams go! 🙂

    • #102704

      janag
      Participant

      Feeling excessively blessed to find this forum where we can relate to each other without prejudice and judgement.
      I have never heard of sensitive dysphoria, yet when I googled it – all my emotional outbursts, breakdowns, meltdowns that I experienced during elementary, secondary school, college, university and even in social settings made all of sudden perfect sense in a sense of ADHD, sensitive dysphoria and the most importantly the element of rejection.

      As far as I am concerned, the school settings have been always where ADHD would be rearing its ugly head and I would always go into full fledged anxiety.

      I am studying my accounting qualification and recently I haven’t passed one of the exams.
      i felt so depressed, defeated and discouraged that I was intending to pack up my staff, leave my husband and run far, far away.

      Deep, intense, and persisting emotional pain that we sometimes experience is so hard to explain to ” healthy ” people. For instance, my husband is a picture of emotional stability, strength and endurance. He finds it very difficult to relate to my mood swings and emotional outbursts…

  • #102563

    Clararai
    Participant

    Oscar,
    Sorry to hear all you have had to go through, it is mnot easy to have add or adhd and for those of us parents who do not experience the same things, it is not easy to understand, communicate and relate to our children.
    My daughter exhibited some of that spontaneous but dangerous behavior(one time she stuck a charm in an outlet and gave herself an electrick shock at school) and she felt alone for most of her early years. Then when she became a teen she became suicodal. So…drugs, addiction, hopelessness, aiming for perfection, feeling like a failure…she felt like that. With this I mean, many people share this pain, this feeling of inadequacy you talk about.
    My daughter found ways to cope(outdoor activities, singing, drawing, listening to music, learning a new language) and therapy (to express and relate) and an antipsychotic med. All of this with a lot of parental support…helped.
    So, meds alone are not enough. You have to find what makes you happy(NOT drugs) and build a safe and supportive environment where you are not hurting others, and coping mechanisms(healthy) and maybe some medication with least side effects.
    You have lots of work ahead. But all is possible🙏

  • #102578

    kbailiff2101
    Participant

    OH! This is a beautiful, therapeutic post! DONT GIVE UP!
    I see that a lot of people have already given you encouragement and advice and I just want to say YES YES YES.
    I was just diagnosed this autumn at age 49. I have the exact same diagnosis as my 12 year old son.
    I have found WONDERFUL SUPPORT, ADVICE, INSIGHT and VALIDATION thorough this website as well as, I just started reading the “bible” on ADHD, called
    “DRIVEN TO DISTRACTION“!!! I’ve underlined every page, with notes in the margins – “Me!” “Chase!” “Mom!” “Grandma!”

    I could go on, but there IS HELP for you! Go get diagnosed, go get medication, go get therapy – your life will CHANGE 100%!!!!
    Lifting you up in prayer and love!
    Kim

    • #102703

      janag
      Participant

      I have never heard of a book, I will definitely give it a go x

  • #102672

    MrNeutron
    Participant

    Oscar, you said you had very successful hard working parents. Were they also very busy or very occupied with whatever they were doing at home?

  • #102677

    sally-c
    Participant

    Hi – I know too much of your story from what has happened to people I am very close to. No one is a demon, from what I have read – including your understandably-exhausted family members. The entire family – that’s including you and the rest of your extended family – are getting hit over and over. No one and no family can keep taking it without harsh ramifications! You need and deserve support. And so does your family. I’m glad you found this site – and all of us.
    There isn’t a quick fix…which all ADHDers of course want. Even if you were a candidate for medication – medication doesn’t solve everything. You are you. Live your best self. Comparing yourself to others…or wasting time beating yourself up on the past or on “if only I could take medication”…is counter-productive. Start with now.
    Be you. Be your best “You”. As my mother always said, “You can only do the best you can do. If you do that, I will always be proud of you. If you are a “C” student I will be as proud of you for bringing home a report card with a “C” as an “A” student bringing home an “A”.” She also let us daughters know that “If you are an “A” student I will NOT be happy with a “C” on your report card! I expect each of you to do your very best. That is all I – you – or anyone has a right to expect of anyone!” I grew up when there wasn’t a name or ANY understanding for ADHD or Dyslexia. I have held what my mother told us close to my heart all of my life. It has been a guide for how I try to treat others, as well as myself. It is, and she was, simple, honest, condensed-wisdom. I’ll share my mother’s kindness and wisdom with you. Make it yours. It would make her happy to do so.
    She also told me, looking straight into my eyes,
    “Dear, just listen to me. Don’t listen to anyone else. I know you are SMART.”
    To this day I can see her face unusually close to mine…looking me straight in the eyes. Every fiber of her was intent on connecting with me. She knew, what I then did not understand, that she had to plant this “seed of belief” down deep inside of me, to grow and sustain me through storms and calms – for a lifetime. Bless her…it took root.
    Educating yourself, healing, challenging yourself – It isn’t a FAST, adrenalin pumping fix…and perfection is a ridiculous concept. But, this is YOUR LIFE…yours and no one else’s. Create your future…it is worth the work, with the inevitable back slides – and the bigger steps forward. It’s an adventure. No adventure is comfortable…because it requires trying new things and running into an occasional wall…but that is ALWAYS the nature of growth. Take the time to recognize and applaud each step forward that you make as a badge that YOU HAVE EARNED. And don’t allow more than a moment of upset, when you slip a step backward…just check in and laugh…NOPE! I’m going forward!
    “But I don’t know where to start,” you say. You have already, successfully, started. You found your tribe. Congratulations! And Welcome! This site can help you realize that you are NOT ALONE…11 Million in the US live with ADHD – Mexico won’t be any different. There are therapists and researchers and people trying so hard, like you, to figure out what this is…the Gifts and the TRUE DIFFICULTIES. And we all are here to learn from each other and together we will find solutions to share. Stay with us…keep reading and listening. You have started.
    Your parents and family might appreciate this site, too. It’s a place where they could independently learn, interact and ask questions of others who have been similarly affected. They need to heal, too. It is crazy-making for everyone involved. You can’t change a lot of things…but this site can help.
    I’m not a therapist, but I know what it’s like to watch, and devote years trying to help, people I love go through what you have described. And I have first-hand knowledge of finally not being able to take more! And, just this year, I now know what it is like to have had MY CONFIDENCE EARNED BACK!!!
    Someone I love, whose story is not very different from your own, finally kicked METH – AND he earned his GED (high school credentials) – after a decade of attempts and 3 demoralizing failures to pass that last required course. And he is now on a full month’s trip to the country of his choice…earned by achieving his GED. He is over 30 now…but I am SO PROUD OF HIM! It was NOT easy…but he did not give up. I could not be prouder of him if he had earned a graduate degree! Not even a close contender!
    My urgent plea to you is that you get SERIOUS, immediate ASSISTANCE and get off of Meth – and NEVER go back to it. It’s the most terrible of drugs. My above loved-one has only 10% heart function because of Meth. Another lost loved-one had every tooth disintegrate – before she was 30. Another has had multiple pregnancies – with other meth addicts. ADHD and addictive genes are highly genetic. What chance do these children have? All of the people I know who have become addicted to Meth (which can be with a single use) have gone to jail because of METH. Treasure those you have and work to give them a Dad who has worked hard to rebuild his life. It will take time to do…but it is so worth it!
    I hope you can hear love coming from my words.

  • #102678

    adore.d.d
    Participant

    Thank you for sharing, especially because my life hasn’t exactly been easy. I felt the same way as a child going up. I never seemed to fit in anywhere. I ended up dropping out of school, had a baby at 17 and married at 19. The guy I married decided he didn’t want to be a grown up anymore and left me with our daughter who was 1 at the time. I fell apart and that’s was when I started using drugs but mostly MDMA. Every weekend I would get a babysitter so Iso I could party. I felt happy for once and loved but eventually I realized it was just lie. myself This isn’t how I imagined my life as a kid. Feeling alone, dumb, worthless. I asked myself is this the kind if person I want to be for my kid? Long story short. I found God for myself and truly went all in for one year. I know sounds crazy but I told God if he is real, I will give it a shot for one year. If he isn’t I would probably go back to drugs. Sad but true. In that year I had out I was ADHD at the age of 30. Went to college ending up with honors and now working with ESE Students at a Middle School. I’m now almost 40. I still cry and messed up but The difference now is I know God loves me and I have the honor of helping kids that are going through the emotional rollercoaster as I did and still am. So, I want you to know, “I get it, Lifetotally sucks.” But never give up on yourself, pick yourself up after a good cry and forgive yourself and move on. There is hope if you want to find it. Xoxo PS. I hope I didn’t mess up to bad because my cell will only allow me to see the word I am texting. So Sorry 😉

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.