“It’s not easy being married to someone with ADD!”

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  • This topic has 2 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 5 months ago by bdw.
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    • #194869
      bdw
      Participant

      “I don’t want there to be something wrong with you”
      I can’t stop thinking of these quotes my ex-husband said to me. I was trying my best, stressing myself out actually to keep my clothes, spending, “childishness”, walking (and not stumbling), organization of cooking items, lateness, social accidents together. Gosh, I cringe when I recall how he micromanaged how I cut up food. I was only diagnosed at 29, while we were together. I started taking medications and was/am in therapy. I was trying. He kept criticizing me, holding on to mistakes I made, imploding when I would be late. Now Its been a few years and I will never be with such a control freak again! I just can’t get some of the things he said out of my mind sometimes. I know that I am wonderful, even if I am a bit messy and longwinded. Even if I will never be the wife or mom who has this internal excel spreadsheet in her mind, able to plan trips, meals and cleaning without a moment of anxiety.

      Can someone post back and say that they have found someone that fully accepts them? I think my ex got into my head and the issue is that in terms of relationships, sometimes I do not accept myself. I am working on that and trying to do so by opening up my net.

      Thank you <3

    • #194882
      hayes
      Participant

      bdw

      I’m so sorry for this! I’m the ADD partner; diagnosed 19 yrs ago at age 35. My wife and I will be married 28 yrs this summer. I’d like to say it’s been wonderful, but ADD has reared its mean-spirited self several times in the years we’ve been together. Granted, there were also several other unresolved issues that went untreated for a LONG time. However, I’m lucky to have found a partner who loves me for who I am. It’s been a challenge, especially re-building some foundations that I was unwilling/unable to confront for so long. But with medication and treatment (both are necessary for me) as essential supports for me and us, we’re closer to being what we first were than I can remember.

      I know we can be infuriating as partners at times. However, if you have a partner who’s willing to support you (not do things for you), it can certainly work. But you need to be kind to yourself! I know that is one thing we ADD folks struggle with so much. But your ex here didn’t seem to on board with the ‘partner’ thing – it needs to come from you both. You also sound really self-aware here. I’m sure just being yourself and open with any new relationships will help you find a person who is willing stand with you and build something with you. Hang in there – you can find a lot of support here, too.

      I wish you all positive energy as you move forward on your journey. I hope this helped a little. I check these boards regularly, so we’re here if you need it…

      CHRIS

    • #195104
      bdw
      Participant

      Thank you, Chris.
      That is helpful. I’m glad you and your wife are good partners. I hope to not be beating on myself so I can open my heart again. I’m much better with that now but occasionally just cry about how small I made myself, how negative my self-talk became as a tried to be someone I am not. Kind of like what I did as an undiagnosed kid, actually. It’s just sad that I couldn’t be loved anyway. Even more sad what I did to myself to remain in that marriage for four years.

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