I used to fully believe my son hated me, he was a different person with me, he would listen to anyone else but me, he would act up with me around. I was exhausted. He was 2 1/2 and started First Steps and I would be a ball of nerves every time a therapist would come. He started Early Childhood at 3. I stopped going to family events around that time, I stopped visiting friends and family, I would make sure planned visits would get cancelled and I’d literally hide if someone showed up without warning. I was fine taking him to social places to play and explore but with people who actually knew me I didn’t want to be seen with the chaos.
Inside he would be a different person than outside too… we’d try a playdate and the kids would be outside perfectly fine no issues but as soon as they stepped inside it was like he was a different child, he was loud, he would need to show them everything, he’d almost flip chairs over trying to show kids how things worked, he was all over the place. I’d send him back outside and it’d stop. I couldn’t go to someone else’s house and go inside and not be in tears chasing him around, telling him to stop doing xyz over and over.
It was at 3, at 4, at 5, now at 6 and we just recently realized it could be a medical condition he’s been struggling with. I thought it was just age and again just me but maybe it was more. Even knowing it’s out of his control I almost feel worse in some ways. I feel lonely because I can’t see anyone I care about and have them part of our lives because no one gets it.
He’s been invited to birthday parties from classmates and we never take him because we know how it will go. We don’t go to friends’ houses because he will spend the entire time bouncing off the walls. I don’t go see my parents or my aunts and uncles because I dread it and they just wind up mad we even came the rare times we do. We were asking a friend to take him up to the bus stop recently because our car was broken down and they no longer wanted to because we’d walk him over in the morning and he’d make comments about their house or keep touching things he was asked every day over and over not to.
I just feel like a failure. For me, for him, for everything.
