February 17, 2018 at 8:16 pm #76687
PS. I need to edit this.
so please excuse any typos 🙂 thanks
Hi there, i’m new here , I have a psychiatrist appointment february 19th, this next monday. I have never thought of the possibility of having ADHD / ADD before because of thinking of Adhd stereotypes and distractability or to what extreme it must be. More so because of the really super Hyper-
Active little child i’ve had in Mind whenever I have heard of looked up ADHD. I have never really researched it much up until now,
I was going in for a diagnosis for the first time, for my Anxiety , growing up i love my family and things where so much better up
until I started highschool my mom had a heart attack in her 30’s and then things started to go downhill. It has always unfortunately been somewhat of a dysfunctional family,
but I was the glue that stuck everyone together, Happy easygoing, etc patient and matured quickly emotionally , I helped my
mom with her emotional issues and have kind of been in a way her little counsellor, bestfriend, but also punching bag in a
sense that after many years of family dysfunctional and verbal/ emotional and at times a bit physical abuse (more so around
me :/ 🙁 but at times me too) , my mom has an abusive childhood and mental illneses run in her
side of the family, bipolar, depression , trauma , ptsd etc. So thought i understand where shes coming from, things got
to a really unhealthy point, and has been quite
a chaotic and unstable for 5 ish years more so, then usual. In the past 1 or 2 years things have calmed down drastically,
it used to be such a tense environmemt she would yell at
me for hours, break plates throw knives etc, I would lock myself inside the bathroom door, and I started getting very
depressed, suicidal, I was having panic attacks every day, and then I started self-harming and had suicide attempts.
I was in a bad place, but not until recently am I getting the help and more resources that I need such as counselling
I am looking for therapy so I can progress in life and though I’ve coped so as to not risk gettinf worse again . Its been
quite the nourney and i’ve self improved a lot. But before and still a bit now I couldn’t really get out of negative cycles
and bad habits I really hated myself and have had chronic low-self esteem a bit ever since I was little, one of the reasons
was because of heavy Negative criticism, insults etc judgment for being stupid, lazy , unmotivated and excusing myself from
not succeeding, most of the arguments started because I was so messy and my older sister was a bit more to talk back and argue
so that created more problems too.
I now just procrastinate a lot, have developed at the moment just bad general anxiety and some avoidance anxiety
now that I’m trying to finish school and failed classes, during the depression I had and even growing up i’ve just
struggled with homework, time managment, prioritization, goals-reaching, todo lists, executive functions, etc it
has progressively gotten so bad that I am struggling with myself because as I get more responsibilities things
get harder as i get older and am starting to progress into an Adult , i am now 18, will be 19 this year. I’M
scared to go to college and not be able to keep up with the flow and workload, and i’m scarrd to ever get so
suicidal , depressed and hopeless to that point again. I am seeing to possibly move out on my own with a youth
government agreement because I emotionally do better in a more stable environment especially as I am self-improving
its a little hard to self-love and be self-compassionate with my flaws when i’m judged and criticised often, i have
some learning disability and struggle with listening to instructions, i get so nervous about looking stupid i get
anxious and other times i just zone out or drift off thoughts, i mainly relate to inattentive ADD ( adhd)
And i have noticed that my mom hates it when i remind her of my dad when i’m distractable, not paying attention ,
forgetful etc . My dad fidgets a bit, and is a bit forgetful or not always very attentive , he is a supervisor though
and I think has managed life strategies unconciously possibly that have helped for the most part.
Its hard for me to know if i’m distracted or procrastinsting sometimes just little signs of adhd i dont know if
i can relate to like the being good in “crisis”mode etc certain things i read online, because i’ve had such different experiences.
My mom is impatient and very sharp , fast and quick thinking so she gets really little patience for me and my dad being slower,
i waste hours and hours and never seem to get anything done i’m really sad because I have so much potential and want to live
my life but i’m so confused within myself and I’m scared if I secretly have ADHd that I will just progress through life and
get worse, its really self confidence detereorising in the sense that I struggle with BAsic life things such as the struggles
of adhd, wether i have it or not its just hard and makes me scared for the future if i cant even cope with what little i
have to deal with now, it makes me really depressed and feel like i dont have the tools
or level of ability as other adults, I just get a little suicidal sometikes
thinking i’ll never get out of this and never accomplish anything in life always just secretly struggling,
its hard to be motivated and focus sometimes my mood and thoughts only make it even worse
and its hard to ever be in that place where i can just focus and do things. Sometimes
stimulation can make it confusing because i can focus sometimes and other times
i just hate myself and find this all to be character flaws, bashing myself
and I just really want to get out of this I’m scared this is going to be all my life,
I know i’m young and am kind , nice, sweet thoughtful and bright in somr ways , i was
shy and struggled with conversation sometimes i zone out if ppl talk a lot or if im daydreaming i guess or thinking about different things while they talk, but its hard to know if its to an extreme or just normal, im happy i have decent people skills now because it gives me energy and stimulates me conversation and getting out and trying to build positive experiences for myself, yet i still struggle so much personally , habits and goals and at home.I feel like a waste of space and im tired of this , im tired of myself, im tired of asking myself trying to find the symptoms to get help and freling guilt and shame because i feel like im overexaggerating and that its just consequences of the abuse. Some reasons for this are A.
(1) My mom did lots of things herself, she had little patience and would smack us on the head, or like she does now just have anger problems and take it out on you, calling you stupid and comparing you to a little child, for being messy , etc
Distracted so on
I feel like maybe its an excuse ADD because it could have just been that I didnt have as much practice making my own bed, cleaning , organizing , prioritizing etc growing up
And that having someone do it all for me for the most part could have made me lazy in the sense of not becoming skillful and now really struggling with executive functions, and motivation,even though ive improved a lot and have tired having more practice and experiences to build my areas of weaknesses.
(2) . Having bad memory , and foggy thinking could be because i have had high-functioning depression on and off and anxiety etc panic attacks /disorder
Though i havent been diagnosed its what i struggle with
Having a chaotic environment
(3) growing up being called stupid for learning slowly
Could have just created that
In itself more so then
It already was. If its all your brain ever hears, Even when there are positive remarks you only seem to be stuck with the negative. Being criticized often in spanish there are lots of insults and they have hurt. Especially coming from your own family and parents.
It could be more trauma and anxiety nervousness re creating this situation.
Not having lots of activities or constant sports growing up, lack of close friends or much of an active lifestyle all the time, created a lack of life balance and now i struggle a lot with
Prioritizing , etc waste weeks and lots of time trying to accomplish little or any type of goals and
Having no challenges ever meeted and goals really accomplished
Could have deterioated my self esteem and progresses into the same vicious cycle and feeling of stuckness.
(5) lack of attention could have been normal teenager like not listening to parents all the time even though im wise and mature my mom talks a lot so its hard to keep track of multi-step instructions and i become a tad irritable. I could have just been critized a lot for not being up to standards to her areas of being sharp and fast and now i therefor think i have a problem because im slower and am more distracted or have less high attention.
(6) growing up I was born in mexico when i was 6 or 7 I came to Canada 🙂 , I was an ESL student and I learned quick, my teachers liked me said I was hard-working etc was bright and improving,
But as the years went and started highschool and maybe even before around12 or less and more so 13 etc I started to wonder how everyone managed so well, I would struggle doing homework for hours and was an A or B student some Cs in math or such before i got depressed and started failing , i just
Wondered why im like this , thought it was my stupid way of when i was younger in elementary,
My teachers would praise me If i overdid projects for example really colorful art etc and homework
And i liked it but now that i am older if i do it i felt its just a stupid habit and negtaive cycle i got into or for when i cant focus much and finish fast i just waste hours and secretly suffering.
Having no routine and habits only makes it worse to live a normal life instead of a more sedentsry life im trying to eat healthier less bread and such in the diet and exercise. But my emotions fluctuate so much my moods and thoughts its hard to cope without it taking hours of my day and hard to concentrate on homework or want to do it so im scsred im a mess and cant organize how im going to manage in college/uni.
(7) reading , since grade 10 or earlier, I started struggling with reading textbooks and stuff sometimes, lack of sleep makes it worse but its hard because im most proactuve at night after wasting all the day doing nothing. And reading i have to re-read a couple times the same page sometimes because I just can’t seem to absorb it and retain it, but this could be because i havent read tons of books besides school,cpuld be that im a lot lot slower at reading and doing stuff/finishing stuff because of lack of practice. And havent made reading much of a habit yet
Theae are just little things that make it all the more confusing i feel like people that really struggle with adhd, in ways that they abruptly get distracted or always zone out when people are talking not on and off and dating they feel like they cant listen to the person even though they care and want to, they are entrepreunears and good in crisis, and with adrenaline etc many unique experiences etc and them recalling things from when they are young, yet for me its much more fuzzy and hard , i dont want to excuse myself for having add if maybe im unsure and dont feel like its fair to be catogorized in it if i cant relate to such things,like i just need to work harder stop with my excuses and bad past experiences and just snap out of it, but i do struggle, i feel so alone in my problems and just want help and resources, i dont want this to be all my life, and maybe its the abuse and lack of practice or life stability/ routine functions and or maybe its inattentive ADD i dont know and some times some days thinking of going into my diagnosis i feel confident and other times i dont feel confident in my a.d.h.d like symptoms
As if there is another explanation for them, i feel so stupid for my age and it hurts me it makes me sad im very smart but struggle with basic things and am smart in a different way i need to accept that for whatever reasons adhd or not my brain progresses and learns things more slowly sometimes and
I just want to get out of this, inwant to succeed in life and help others with mental health, and live a good life, but im unsure how to go about it . Im scared my psychiatrist inst very well knowing in adhd especially when mixed in with general anxiety etc or possible bipolarness, and adhd in adults/girls and women, i feel like ill get rejected and struggle more uears unecessarily for lack of confidence in my adhd or symptoms. Putting myself down for not having it in some ways like others and not wanting to put ideas in my head of having something that i may not.
Plus i dont think my parents would understand or even accept the whole stimulation thing.
Of sometimes being able to work through atuff and other times not and just wasting my life away. Regardless of if i have adhd or abuse and life xperiences have caused similarities and traumas i feel stimulation meds and therapy i would benefit from
Wether i have it fully or not i think it could help me in the process of fixing all these errors and personalitiy traits/ weakness of areas in improvement and personality traits if it doesnt turn out to be ADD.
Excuse the huge ass length of this thing, but if anyone out there cares to help me out :3 and can give me some advice please i would so appreciate it thank you, i hope my diagnosis goes okay. I just want to live my life im done with all these excuses of why i cant.im tired of myself and my flaws,, i need to start accepting myself or improve what i dont like experiences aside.
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