August 18, 2017 at 9:18 am #58229
As difficult as this is to write, I know I need to do it to figure out what’s wrong so I can move forward. For as long as I could remember, I’ve felt spacey. In elementary school I did very well like most do, but started failing classes in math and science once I got to middle school. I became depressed because it just wouldn’t make sense. I struggled through high school, often cutting classes so I wouldn’t have to sit through the lectures that I inevitably wouldn’t understand. I ended up having to make up my time in summer school and graduated on time. I got into a decent college, and then transferred to a better one. I struggled a lot- and eventually got my degree. I made minimal effort in the beginning because I just couldn’t focus. I dismissed it and just kept on going. I was working full time and would often make mistakes at work- some older colleagues would call me “burn out” or “stupid”. I didn’t let it bother me until I began new jobs where I felt inadequate. I was let go of another job where I couldn’t keep up with multitasking, and a colleague screamed at me.
I started crying and they let me go. After that I spiraled downward. I ended up going to a series of psychiatrists and social workers, and after a long time trying different anti depressants ended up on adderall. It helped, but sometimes I still zone out. I’ve had a series of jobs where I was let go because I was late and sometimes let go Width no explanation. I am anxious all of the time and constantly feel like I’m not doing anything right.
I feel like it takes me forever to do things, I’m working an entry level job where I make little money. I have trouble waking up and getting anywhere on time. I have trouble completing almost any tasks. I’m concerned that I have a learning disorder, because I feel that the adderall should improve the symptoms at this point. I’m trying to be proactive in scheduling an assessment – but the truth is I’m terrified. I dread going to my job out of fear of making mistakes. Even if I spend a long time on something, there are mistakes. I’m embarrassed, depressed, anxious and I don’t know what to do. Has anyone had a similar experience and If so – what helped? I see a counselor but it’s been years and I feel as though I’ve only slightly improved. I hate feeling like nothing. I want to be able to know I can apply my mind to whatever I’d like and have somewhat of a success. I want a future, I want to be able to have a family one day and I do t see that happening if I can’t fix things. I have a boyfriend who I adore but I’m scared I will lose him if I can’t progress. I’m 30 years old and I’ve felt hopeless for the last 15.
August 18, 2017 at 10:31 am #58235
That’s a tough thing to have to deal with. Spaceyness is indeed the hallmark of inattentive ADHD (and don’t I intimately know it!), but it can be aggravated by multiple factors, such as stress and physical health problems. However, when we are interested in something, the hyperfocus kicks in and it’s suddenly easy. Do you have a hobby where you can concentrate for hours? If yes, it’s ADHD. If no, then I think it’s time to look for physical health issues, because if mental health was the only issue, all these psychiatrists would have done something to help.
Two issues my family has personal knowledge of are asthma and sleep apnea, both of which could create the sort of symptoms you are describing. If you snore or have sleep disturbances, have a sleep test. If you react strongly to perfumes or smoke, cough for no reason, wheeze, or yawn as if gasping, check for asthma. The asthma was diagnosed for many years as anxiety disorder, and often led to obsessive thoughts — it was so odd to see all that disappear with a puff of the inhaler! ADHD people are all too primed to blame their mind, when in fact mind and body always go together.
Something else to check is whatever medication you are being prescribed. Unfortunately, many people taking antidepressants for long term report decreases in focus, memory retrieval, overall motivation, and the emotions (both good and bad) have dampened which makes it hard to feel joy about anything. Often anti-anxiety and anti-psychotic medication is added to control the side-effects, and the resulting cocktail can be very damaging even after the medicines are stopped. Doctors often have no idea how to handle this, since there are so many different individual reactions. Do not cut any medicine cold turkey!!! Take a look at SurvivingAntidepressants.org to see if anything rings a bell.
August 20, 2017 at 12:37 pm #58399
It sounds like Adderall might not be the right ADHD medication for you. It may be time to try a different medication.
It’s important to work on your anxiety and emotions, as well. You have “learned” to be very fearful of making mistakes and not measuring up. Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) can help a great deal with this:
ADDitude Community Moderator, Author & Mentor on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism
You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Login