September 5, 2016 at 9:43 am #40004Penny WilliamsKeymaster
This discussion was originally started by user jmama0307 in ADDitude’s now-retired community. The ADDitude editors have included it here to encourage more discussion.
I have tried everything. I am running out of ideas. Right now my oldest is getting a behaviorist and a mentor. They have been at my home for 2 weeks and I haven’t seen a change. My son is disobeying. He never listens to me. He thinks it’s his way. He isn’t helpful. He hits my LO. I have tried talking to him but it leads to me yelling.
As he is 9 yrs old now I feel like he should know the house rules but he hates it and really doesn’t follow. I am right now to the point of having him in his room until school starts cause EVERY DAY is a constant battle that I honestly am tired of. I am drained and just don’t want to deal with him anymore. How quickly he can do things when it’s beneficial for him but when I request something that doesn’t benefit him, he refuses.
I am just done and drained out. I have no energy and feel resentment toward him. I feel like in order for him to be happy he has to see me yelling. It always leads me to yelling. If I tell him to get dressed to go to the park he’s ready in a sec but I tell him to clean I have to repeat myself to the point of yelling and cursing.
That’s another thing. I curse a lot out of frustration. I cry and curse a lot. I just don’t know what the hell to do with him. I have tried every punishment and nothing works. I am now thinking of looking for a counselor for him and one for me. I just don’t get it. Is this my life for another 11 yrs. By the time he graduates HS I am going to be in a psych ward. I just don’t think I can handle another day.
He starts school Thurs and I am counting down. This summer has been the worst. I didn’t enjoy anything. He isn’t into sports or club but expects to be home watching TV and playing video games all day. I don’t let him, so it’s a fight. I am so done with it. I never thought parenthood would be this hard with him. The older he gets the more I am losing interest in being around him cause I just don’t like the person I am around him.
When he’s in school I am at peace and feel like myself, with him around me I am counting hours for bedtime. I hate feeling like this and it makes me think I am not cut out to be a fit mom for him. My relationship with my LO is so different. My LO is compassionate. He is so loving and it’s just different. I know it is and feel is different. My oldest relationship is strange and distant cause his behavior makes me pull away.
September 5, 2016 at 1:53 pm #41984
This reply was originally posted by user knrdodd in ADDitude’s now-retired community.
I wanted you to know that you are not alone. I too, have felt the way that you are feeling. Friends can try to be supportive but I always feel as though they may be judging my son because unless you are in the situation, a person can not truly comprehend.
My son was diagnosed at 5 and after a few trials with medication, ended up on Vyvanse 30 mgs. School was fine academically but behaviorally, issues started in 4th grade and continue to this day.
My biggest advice would be to take care of yourself (which may mean going on meds) and have your son go to counseling. I still struggle with yelling at him on a daily basis.
I am sure others on this board have better advice, but I just wanted to send you a HUG
September 5, 2016 at 1:53 pm #41985
This reply was originally posted by user adhdmomma in ADDitude’s now-retired community.
It’s important to recognize that the ADHD brain is motivated and focused by things of interest, not by importance: http://www.additude.com/adhd/article/10117.html.
That explains why he can follow-through successfully for tasks he is interested in, but not at other times.
Stopping the yelling in your household can make a huge difference. Yelling can provide the stimulation lacking in the brains of those with ADHD. While he doesn’t want to be in trouble with you and doesn’t want you yelling at him, it can serve a purpose neurologically.
You must model the behavior you want to see from him.
Here’s some help with managing your son’s oppositional behavior too:
ADDconnect Moderator, Author on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen boy with ADHD, LDs, and autism
September 5, 2016 at 1:54 pm #41986
This reply was originally posted by user jmama0307 in ADDitude’s now-retired community.
Thank you. My mom’s boyfriend thinks I have something against my son or that I am hard on him. He said I am not loving or show him love. I told him of course I love him but when I feel drained and when he doesn’t listen I am just not in the mood. It’s just a way I am when I get annoyed I just pull away or I just prefer to stay away from him.
I am now in my room cause my LO is napping and he is in his room. It is so quiet and peaceful. I try being calm. I am calm just when I have to repeat myself that’s when it goes away and I yell. I told him I am done with the yelling and if he can’t listen he just needs to remain in his room cause I am just tired and drain from this cycle of yelling and frustration. He does moan but he stays in his room. His mentor comes tomorrow. He spoke to him well we last week and his behavior hasn’t changed. He knows what’s being expected. He just doesn’t care or want to do it cause he don’t feel like it. Like he say. It’s tiring. He just wants to play and have no chores. I try even as to give him the least chores and it’s a problem so I told him he’s giving me a choice of removing him out of the room and sleep on the floor. A room is not a right is a privilege. He has no toys in the room cause before he wouldn’t pick them up and I would trip so there was a moment I would just call for him in the doorway. I had enough and remove the toys out.
He then questioned me Sat why I throw his toys away. Like really who is he to question me cause yesterday we went to the park and I told him once we are done to go home and showered. I went walking and he left with my DF but went I got home from my walk my DF told me he didn’t shower. Like I got upset. Who was him to question why I do things but when I tell him something he ignores me. I told him to shower today. He told him he wanted to watch Pokemon thats why he didn’t shower. I told him IDC he could of showered first before watching Pokemon.
September 6, 2016 at 1:54 pm #41987
This reply was originally posted by user marietta in ADDitude’s now-retired community.
You’re really in the thick of it now, but you’re also taking the steps. Keep going! Yes, keep going with the behaviorists and Yes, get yourself help, too. I know it’s costly, we’ve been shelling out, too. 10 months ago, I was sure I was losing my girl, and when the psychologist told me she wanted me to sit in on my child’s sessions, I almost spit. I thought, really? Give even more of myself?? I had been investing myself in so many ways in her, and I was losing her anyway, so I wanted to have someone else handle it. I didn’t love the therapist and still think she could have been better, but my daughter and I are doing a lot better together now.
Parenting a child with special needs can really attack the core of a parent’s sense of competence, and it does build up as resentment. Say it out loud to a friend, it’s ok, and just a sign that you need to keep appealing to people for support. You’re going to gain the ability to step back, assess why you’re getting flack, and then take action to prevent it or work around it. He’s not done cooking, and he’s going to need help to gain some skills as he’s growing up. Most of these conflicts come from an inability to meet the demands of his day that most people take for granted. Adapting the approach can increase *his* sense of competence, which will really ease the tensions in the home.
May 5, 2017 at 3:07 pm #47512carlandreaParticipant
I didn’t mean to reply to this response, I meant to reply to the whole thread
well, I’m incredibly frustrated with parents yelling at their kids over and over, convinced that we are somehow trying to spite them by not doing things that are SO EASY for your neurotypical brains. I would normally try to patiently explain this, but maybe I should just try the jmama0307 approach instead and curse and yell at you for being frustrated.
Do you have ANy idea how much you’re hurting your child? Every scream, every curse, sounds to us like you’re saying, over and over again “you’re worthless. I hate you. Fuck you” every mistake becomes a catastrophe. You have no idea
- This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by carlandrea.
September 6, 2016 at 1:54 pm #41988
This reply was originally posted by user adhdmomma in ADDitude’s now-retired community.
Behavior modification takes a lot of time and a lot of consistency. Telling your son something one time is not going to make a difference. One meeting with a mentor is not going to make a difference. You have to keep at it for a long time.
It sounds like you have more to learn about ADHD and about your son’s unique differences. Like the struggle with working memory. If you tell him to shower when he gets home and then some time passes before he can actually take the shower, his ADHD wreaked havoc and he forgot.
KIDS DO WELL IF THEY CAN according to behavior specialist Ross Greene (author of “The Explosive Child” which I highly recommend). Our kids want to do well. They want to be praised and rewarded. And they want to be loved. If they can’t do well, there’s a reason and it’s the parents’ job to figure out that reason and help with it.
When you’re exhausted and annoyed is the time you should show your son that you love him—that shows that you love him no matter what, ADHD and all.
ADDconnect Moderator, Author on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen boy with ADHD, LDs, and autism
September 7, 2016 at 1:55 pm #41989
This reply was originally posted by user Stacey Martin in ADDitude’s now-retired community.
I want to commend you for taking the step to help your child. I’ve been where you are and let me tell you yes there were countless days of frustrations. You may not feel like you are helping him but you are. Being a parent of a child with ADHD isn’t easy however, it never by any means means you are NOT a “good” parent. Most importantly you have to take care of yourself! It’s important to recognize what your needs are and what makes you happy. Children with ADHD often react from us and our feelings. Children with ADHD drive off constant praise and engaging in activities that they take interest in. Although it may be easy to send him to his room, he may be getting use to this becoming his daily routine and not feel the need to make changes in order for him to come out of his room.
What are his interest? What makes him smile? How does he respond to praise ex. I’m so proud of you”.
Finding the small things that encourage him and at the same time help you is a win win situation.
A small tip, when my son was diagnosed 15 years ago I became his advocate. It became frustrating hearing countless negative comments however I knew my son was bigger and better than what others perceived him to be. Ask him if what he is interested in. Keeping him active is a must. Start with ( if he’s not already participating) enrolling him in an activity he likes and wants to do.
It does get better trust me however it is work as is anything in life. It gets better. My son is now 21 and on a full scholarship at the University of South Florida. I hope this helps my dear.
Remember keep pushing, keep believing and never give up!
September 9, 2016 at 1:56 pm #41990
This reply was originally posted by user banditdoglover in ADDitude’s now-retired community.
When I read your post I felt like I was flashing back to 12 years ago. My son was diagnosed with ADHD at 8 years old. It was an extremely difficult time for all of us and we felt like we were losing our minds because his was so obstinate and his behavior was so out of control. You did not mention your views on medicating your son and whether or not he is medicated. When my son was diagnosed we were told by the doctor that he needed to be medicated. I was extremely hesitant to put him on medication. When I told the doctor this he told me that I was being an irresponsible parent and he accused me of child abuse because my child had a severe disability that required medication and I was choosing not to put him on medication. Needless to say, we never went back to that doctor again. We struggled for the next year and a half to try and cope with my son’s behavior. It was completely out of control. Everything you are describing is very familiar to me because I went through it with my son.
Finally we were so at the end of our rope that we decided to give medication a try. I would in no way profess that medicating your child is a miracle cure, but it did make a tremendous difference. My son’s behavior and ability to focus and concentrate improved immediately. My son has since told me (when he was about 14) that “he never knew how smart he was until he went on medication.” It has made a huge difference in his life. He became a straight A student. He is now in his junior year of a very academically competitive college and doing great. His behavioral issues still exist to a degree but manifest differently now that he is an adult, especially when he does not take his medication over the summer, and when he is not in school, but academically he has thrived beyond our wildest dreams. Speaking from experience, I strongly feel that the combination of the following really helped our son:
2. Weekly sessions with a psychologist who is specifically experienced in working with ADHD children.
3. A very structured routine but always allowing a period of time each day for him to have “free time”
4. I learned the best way to cope with his obstinence was to walk away and collect myself and calm myself down before I completely lost it on him and started screaming at him. I quickly learned that screaming never works and only exacerbates the situation.
One a final note, I also think you would benefit from some sort of therapy yourself. Dealing with an ADHD child can be extremely hard on a parent and I think it would be helpful for you to have someone to talk to and to help you learn how to cope.
I wish you the best of luck. I know how difficult it can be and you need to tell yourself every day that you are doing the best you can.
September 10, 2016 at 1:56 pm #41991
This reply was originally posted by user najn in ADDitude’s now-retired community.
I have been in a similar place. I was unable to control my son, and he also had a counselor coming to my place for a year and he was in a program for three months. It all seemed to work while the professionals were handling it, but as soon as I was left to my own resources, things would go upside down again.
I turned out to have depression, anxiety, and ADD. No wonder it was so difficult to be consistent with discipline for my son. I also lost control and yelled and other nasty behaviors that I had to work on. It’s like you have to educate your son but also educate yourself to be the parent you need to be. It’s tough and we will never be perfect, but keep trying.
It took until my son was 18 but he started doing what he has to do on his own for things that I always struggled to get him doing. Physical activity is a different matter. My son only likes video games and other screen entertainment. Again, it’s work in progress. He is 23 now and he got his learners drivers license, and he is more interested in finding a job and doing a good job when he is called to work. Just keep believing in him, and I know it’s more difficult, but also keep believing in yourself and trying to do just a little better every day.
September 13, 2016 at 1:57 pm #41992
This reply was originally posted by user kitcat30 in ADDitude’s now-retired community.
Parenting a child with ADHD, and what sounds like ODD, is very exhausting, frustrating, and tough. My son was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 3. Last year, at age 9, he was diagnosed with ODD. He struggles with anxiety, sensory issues, and OCD as well. I know your pain. I would get so frustrated that I would yell, sometimes, I still do. I have never been able to understand how he is so different from his sister. They are complete opposites. It is like raising two children in two different worlds. You are not alone. We all go through this, but trial-and-error will help you get through it, and build your relationship with your son in a positive, strength-based way.
The best tips I can give you without referencing to any articles or books is as followed:
1. Get your son and yourself into counseling—individual and family. Individual will allow you a secure place to vent alone with someone you trust. Family will assist you in and your family working together.
2. Build a support team—this can include the school, your family, your counselors, your friends, or maybe a group on Facebook (there are tons of ADHD groups on Facebook), if you have Facebook, or another social media outlets. This will create a place for you to connect with other families, and maybe you can try somethings that work for them on your family. Support work wonders! The mentor and behaviorist are great tools—see if they can take your son out of the home once a week so you can have a breather.
3. Create some one on one time with your son. It can be an activity that he likes or a surprise you pick. He needs that attention, positive attention from you. One family I work with has heart-to-hearts, where the ADHDer and Mom sit down and express feelings without blaming or shaming or yelling. This one-on-one time helps the ADHDer feel important and valued.
4. Set up visuals for him. The brain lacks vital chemicals to ensure follow-through and task oriented skills. Executive functioning is not visible for a person with ADHD. The visuals can be a daily routine, chore charts, reward/consequence trackers, rules, daily living tasks, or whatever is needed in your family. These visuals create structure, stability, and confidence.
5. Give him rewards even when he only gets a task/chore completed halfway. He struggles, just like any other individual with ADHD, to get things done. Have him earn his electronic time. Have him choose the outdoor activity that he earned. Give him some control, but within reason.
I know it is hard. I know that some days your are going to have an easy-peasy day, and sometimes are going to be the wakening of satan himself, but it will get better. Your son, and you just need some help and some uplifting.
Hugs and loves from a fellow mom of an ADHD boy.
May 8, 2017 at 10:16 am #47732tharros30.lbParticipant
I have no words of wisdom. I am feeling much like you do on some days. But am training myself to repeat over and over “he is now my child, I love him, He depends on me to help him. He does NOT want to disappoint me and his reactions are out of the same frustrations I am feeling. I need to help him and I need to become smarter than this ADHD to do so” And it hasn’t been a magic wand but it has helped me keep perspective toward the fact that I was awarded guardianship of this child because the courts saw me as being the most capable of dealing with these issues. Was I starry eyed and no where near prepared to deal with fact that no, in fact, ADHD, LD and PTSD cannot be “healed” by a stable environment, love and structure??? This is why I am here. Immersing myself in the wisdom of others who have ideas and ways to deal with, look at, try new things and adapt…adapt and adapt some more. As confusing and frustrating as it is for us, imagine living in the brain of a child where nothing seems attainable, disappointment from people you love happens daily and peers hold you at arms length. When my frustration level is rising I try, not always successfully I add, to look at him fully and say “he did not ask to be born with this, he deserves every ounce of love and patience I can dredge up and every single moment I can devote to finding ways to help us all learn and cope with this baffling disorder” Peace be with you, my dear. I feel every bit of frustration and confusion you feel. Be kind to yourself and know this isnt easy, but be sure to note every smile and giggle….those are triumphs. Take them as they come and hold em near and dear.
June 1, 2018 at 11:24 am #85394stephenieward39Participant
Look up ODD and CD conductive disorder
June 1, 2018 at 1:56 pm #85412anngower54Participant
As someone with ADHD I would like to say I know you’re trying but telling helps no one. I remember being a kid and while it seemed like I never wanted
To help or do my homework it literally was like my brain was stuck in a fog and I couldn’t everytime someone yelled at me my brain would scream at me that I was worthless and that they would be better off without me…. every time I was punished I felt like I was defective and just wrong. I got so bad i was removed from my father’s home… to a normal child yelling may not be considered abuse but with a child who has adhd it really is. I ended up in a home with a women who actually understood adhd and she found out what motivates me – interest and competition. She would find ways to make cleaning fun and would sit down and have competitions with me as to who could complete the homework faster while getting it all right and have random prizes for winning. (Usually nothing big, or that even cost any money. Like an extra hour of tv or a piece of my favorite candy) Yelling wont help your child,its only going to make him worse. You need to find out what motivates him and use it to get him engaged.
December 2, 2018 at 11:13 am #104775acp9846Participant
My son is exactly the same and at 10 years old he was having his Med check with his doctor and he during his physical the doctor found his goiter was enlarged and was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism and Hashimotos Disease. When a child’s thyroid isn’t working as it should they will have bad behavior problems and unfortunately testing for this is NOT a standard test that is required for doctors to preform when your child is born… instead the only time they will test for it is when they feel an enlarged goiter and by then the Hypothyroidism is already at its worst. So even if your doctor don’t feel one maybe asked to have the test done anyways. Just something to think about.
April 12, 2019 at 9:00 am #113875KHarris3Participant
Thank you so much for writing this I just want to say personally because I have felt like this for the past couple months regarding my son he hasn’t been properly diagnosed but he has a rare disease that makes add and autism spectrum disorder very prone and common. My husband is having a hard time ttaking the pride aspect out of it to be able to fet our son properly diagnosed. He does the exact same things your explaining with the physicalness spiking an all time high. I have holes in my doors because of him, he hast punched and kicked my walls, screams bloody murder anytime he gets asked to do anything he doesnt want to it’s so exhausting and to top it all off hes not even my biological son hes my step son so this resentment is very hard to shake on a daily basis. I’m done too I don’t care anymore he is 7 years old and weighs 85 lbs hes obese for his age and his dad doesnt xut his portions or his gross food he just gives him 2 adult servings of food and I get the look when I’m trying to get SS on a good diet. I’m exhausted and I’m done as well theres only so much a step mom can do!
February 9, 2020 at 11:28 pm #141485NHopParticipant
Ive never read anything of someone being able to relate to my relationship with ny child & feelings until now. I cried through all our your posts. Ive spent 12 years as a single mom dealing with a beyond defiant child completely alone with no breaks or even anyone to help me for an hour. I was known as an optimistic individual by everyone I ever met except my mother, until these last few years. I decided to date & I had a baby. There are other struggles in my life on top of my 12 yr olds behavior that the combination of them all have had me in a deep depression yrs now. I felt aweful feeling the very feelings yall have described with your children. This is the 1st moment in life Ive actually thought maybe Im not alone thanks to yalls shares.
February 10, 2020 at 7:47 am #141490MamamiaParticipant
I feel I am now pretty calm and controlled and shouting and screaming would be a rarity. However, the anger and resentment I feel is building and on my mind I am screaming and thinking horrible things about how much I dislike this person ( yet also love). There are days I am like a verbal battering ram and I am so exhausted by it all I want to just scream.
October 20, 2020 at 5:20 pm #186465MudParticipant
Hey. I know the boy in the post is in his teens by now and I wish you the best of luck. I know how frustrating it is. I stumbled across this post by searching for something different and felt I should comment. Anyway. I’m now 44 years old and have a four year old boy. He’s not a problem. All I can say that in the 70’s and 80’s I spent my entire childhood unintentionally frustrating teachers in particular and obviously my parents. You can imagine punishments back then were not so lighthearted as today. Not that I condone it as it simply does not work. Didn’t for me. That’s the thing, nothing will. The boy in this post has possibly no idea he’s doing it and I can pretty much guarantee he’s not doing it on purpose. I haven’t read the comments after, so don’t know any more info but felt I wanted to share this because although I feel for the parent, I feel more for the boy. I can tell you growing up not being liked by anyone, particularly parents, is horrible. He’ll adapt in time but it leaves a huge mental scar. Teachers would lock me in cupboards. Ha! I’d dread to think how many hours of my life I spent in corridors and outside the heads office. I had my own desk right next to the blackboard in many lessons. Barely did homework. I fell far behind. Did poorly in exams. I’m now an aircraft technician and have been for 20 years. Been around the world, etc, etc. I infuriated teachers by not even doing anything bad. I was just away with the faries 100% of the time. Nothing interested me other than sports and art. I hated being indoors but I was constantly grounded. Ha! Funny now thinking about it. I wasn’t vindictive or cruel to anyone. I didn’t accept bullying. Looking back I was very much my own person from the beginning. Much to my headmasters disgust I was voted head prefect by the entire school with an overwhelming majority. I cared for all the younger kids see because I thought all kids were hated. I thought that’s the way it was for kids, which I thought was unfair. That headmaster beat me until I pissed myself in front of the whole class because I was distracted by how sweaty the girls hand I was meant to be holding for a stupid play. He won the competition the year before and I was crushing his goal by just being my usual stupid, disinterested, bored self. So I get the frustration. My son is the same and it drives me bonkers. But it’s him and he’s so kind, loving, sharing, he’s a joy to be with but by Christ getting him to do anything can be infuriating. I bet the boy in this post also took ages to eat his food like my son and I used to. My parents would sit me on my own in the kitchen because I annoyed them by being what might seem to them like arrogance snd disobedience but I just happened to in that moment in time be lost thinking about building a den in my bedroom or how I’d like my spaceship to look when I bought one when I grew up. My sons the same. And I just treat him how I’d like to have been treated rather than the way I was. Regardless of how hard some people might be, they are them at the end of the day and we can only adapt around them. Expecting them to change is unfair. They are too emotionally immature (probably less mature than most kids) to understand. The sooner we just accept our kids for who they are rather than having to fit some sort of societal stereotype, the better futures will be for everyone. I constantly nag my boy. He says I talk too much. As you can tell. Haha! But eventually after months of bribing with biscuits, lollipops and the most powerful parenting tool of all. Big hugs. He starts doing stuff out of habit. Yeah I lose my shit with him at time. I find generally though if I explain to him in a mature way he gets it. Well better than losing my shit anyway. I barely have to tell him off now. I just nag and then reward with big hugs or a treat if he does what he’s told. I’ve always found it bizarre how we treat dogs with more dignity and respect than we do our children. Just send them bags of love and they will come round. I promise. Works on my son a treat and I’m the sort of guy that will bend over backwards if I’m treated with a little dignity and respect. It’s nice to be nice and nobody likes losing their shit with their children. Well most normal people anyway. Hope this helps someone, even if it is an old post.
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