February 22, 2018 at 12:32 pm #77009
I don’t know what to do! 🙁 My boyfriend and I are trying to decide if I should move out because my ADD Personality is driving him crazy. I left my life behind in another state to start another life with him 4 hours away. I left everything even my job, family everything. I was ready last July 1st, but now after the horrible 8 months we’ve had I may be moving out.
My boyfriend has OCD and Depression and pretty much manages it but within our relationship he struggles. He is a “perfectionist” plain and simple. Since I’ve moved in 8 months ago, I’ve gained 8 pounds, feel depressed all the time and struggle liking myself. I can’t start a conversation with my boyfriend, or comment on anything anymore or even ask a question in fear that I may have already asked the same damn question earlier today. He gets so frustrated having to repeat himself because I may have forgotten something he told me. If I say something that he doesn’t get right away he gets upset or clams-up because he says it’s like he talks to the wall. I never remember anything and it makes him feel bad, like I don’t care about anything he has to say. I HATE my ADD because ever since my diagnosis last year it has been pure hell dealing with it.
My boyfriend drinks beer, too much sometimes and the majority of his friends are bar-flies. Sorry but it’s true. I’ve never been to bars as much as now. I understand that with his depression and anxiety it’s hell for him. I love him and I never wanted to change him until now……I should say I want him to stop trying to change me. After many many nights going out on weekends eating and drinking, we’d come home, he’d pick a fight over something small or how I communicate, and at the end of it my boyfriend would say, ‘I’m done, I’m sick of this communication issue. Make your plans and leave!” Every time it would devastate me. So now after the hundredth time we are actually talking lovingly about everything. After the last blow-out I finally said that, “I should move out because it is not getting any easier for us to stay together.” Since then my boyfriend has cried on my shoulder three times and said that he is scared to death to let me leave because he doesn’t want to make a mistake. My boyfriend has been telling me every day he loves me so much and can’t imagine his life without me, and yet can’t seem to live with me. He wants me to stay but wants me to choose because he wants me to be happy. My boyfriend admits that he has hurt me too much but will go with what I want. Ugh! My heart is breaking into a million pieces because I want to stay but I really don’t want to live with someone who’s always correcting me, criticizing me, pick fights with me, and puttting me down because of my ADD Personality. :(( I don’t know what to do. It breaks my heart to see him cry so much and I’ve cried but I want to do what’s best. Good Grief, help me!
Always Sad 🙁
February 22, 2018 at 4:43 pm #77050
This is challenging! Living together is hard enough for neurotypical people, even more so when both of you have non-typical brains. Even though you both love each other and would never intentionally hurt each other, the reality is that you do. It sounds like you both want it to work, so my advice is to practice more empathetic listening to each other. http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/5-tips-for-empathetic-listening.html
Number 5 is the one that is the most difficult and that feels extremely awkward and “fake.” Make sure you actually understand what the other is trying to say! Sometimes this means asking and clarifying a sentence like five times before you can give your answer.
Another thing I recommend is the book “Don’t let your emotions run your life” which the two of you would probably both benefit from: http://a.co/4auEkzw
These things were recommended by my therapist, so my number 1 advice is of course to find professional help to help navigate daily life with ADD. It’s worth it, and you’re worth it.
February 22, 2018 at 7:23 pm #77084
I’m sorry you’re going through this. In my opinion the relationship isn’t a good fit. Anyone that puts you down because of a disorder shouldn’t be with you. You should have someone that puts you on a pedestal, not tearing you down. Why put up with being miserable? Neither of you should have to. And only being in the relationship for 8 months and it’s already a turmoil?
My husband of 19 years has adhd, along with our son. Yes it can get crazy but in no way do I hate their disorder. My husband is so successful in his creative job. He’s my best friend. They both have passion. They both have the best sense of humor. I couldn’t imagine a life without them. And that’s what your true soulmate should be like; not trying to change you or correcting you or belittling you but instead support you and being your biggest fan.
Breaking up a relationship is hard. And it hurts. You think you’ll never get over it, but you do. You have one life to live: don’t spend it being in a miserable relationship. You both deserve better.
February 23, 2018 at 5:04 pm #77159
I have been in a relationship for 6 years and believe me it wasn’t truly challenging until we moved in together a year ago. I have ADHD and menopause my boyfriend I believe is borderline OCD so I can relate. The really most important thing that will make or break your relationship IS COMMUNICATION I cannot stress that enough because without healthy communication wanting to listen to each other then it’s only going to make things worse. You joining this forum and reaching out for help us also a great step I found since I’ve joined ADDitude when I have issues or questions or disagreements with my boyfriend sometime I email an article that might relate to mine or OUR issue at hand. If you truly care for each other Love Will Prevail!
June 7, 2018 at 5:54 am #85697
That is definitely a challenging situation. I didn’t say impossible, I said challenging- mainly Bc you both have your own issues going on and they’re each agitating the issues in one another. If you want to try to make it work, my advice would be to see a counselor, individually and together to find out about yourselves better and know how you operate and understand how each other operates to be able to find ways to compromise on things.
IMHO, the reason people experience conflict is due to lack of communication (true), but also lack of empathy and taking personal responsibility for ones own shortcomings, while not seeking healthier ways to manage self/compromise.
Basically, it’s a two-way street. Give and take. You can’t be the only one trying to manage your ADD. And you mentioned he drinks a lot- is that His way of ‘treating’ his OCD and depression? That’s not a very effective treatment plan and won’t produce desired results in the long run. Having said that, just because he might not want to get healthier doesn’t mean you can’t make positive changes in your own life. Sometimes one person changing and getting themselves healthy and refusing to participate in those downspiraling cycles is enough to be the catalyst for positive change/growth in the other person. (Huge side-note: You CANT change anyone but yourself. Influence is not the same as manipulation. One comes from a personal choice while another is forced upon.)
June 7, 2018 at 11:18 pm #85778
I’m the ADD spouse here (25 yrs), diagnosed 16 yrs ago at age 35. While my wife and I have had our struggles around ADD, we have never attacked each other the way you describe here. Unless you can work on this both together and individually, I have to agree with Trish above and say this might not be a good fit. We have never said that we didn’t love each other – that’s the thing that has carried us through the difficulty (and there’s been a lot of it). I hope the two of you can work together and find that again – I wish you well… CH
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