Im really struggling with my partner who has adhd

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    • #174500
      kelbluebird
      Participant

      I met my partner 7 months ago, i had been single a long time, i was fiercely independent ive been through so much myself and i found him a bit much. But, i fell madly in love with him. I moved in with him and a few weeks ago his ex was beaten up and he niw has his 3 kids. Ive guven up my home to live in his and have said ill help him with the kids. Ive recently had my son back after his dad toke him away from me and i work full time. Im struggling with these life changing occurances while juggling everything and my partner has changed so much. He now hardly hugs me flys off the handle and throws so much in my face. For example i do everything in the house and he says he nevers asked or when i treat everyone he says well take it bk. it hurts so much im quite sensitive and im reading up on adhd and how to deal with it all but its like talking to a wall. I feel trapped as i have nowhere to go but i dont wanna give up on us as he is amazing. If i cry its like im irratating him! Im at my wits end i love the kids and they love me i think anyway. Their mam cant deal with them and im trying to keep the house nice and cook good meals But i feel unappreciated so much. Tonight i txt saying i love him and im soery for being grumpy but nothing. Please someone guide me in the right direction i feel so low

    • #174540
      Eandoma
      Participant

      Hi. My reply may not be helpful, but as a non add whose SO is…I feel I can give you some things to think about. You said you felt he was “a bit much”. What does that mean? As a reader, I hear that there were already issues/red flags for you, but you have been single for so long you decided to jump in. I believe love is a choice and you say you fell madly in love with him. What was it about him after such a short amount of time that you felt him worthy of giving him your love? But now he’s not? I feel the problem is that time was not taken to see if he is compatible with you. If you don’t live with someone who has add, it’s easy to dismiss the quirks and eccentricities as cute and “just the way they are” while dating. I can totally understand that you are at your wits end and he may well be too as you are now in his space and it sounds as if there’s no collaboration or healthy communication at all. My SO and I have been together for 8 yrs. I have and continue to have a laid back attitude with his time blindness, him doing 10 things at a time, the started and unfinished projects, the dishes piling up, his office that looks like a bomb went off, his replying to 50% of my comments or questions… I know he is not his add. It’s something he has and he has to deal with it on a daily basis. I cannot imagine what his brain is like….I just know it differs from mine. But isn’t that what makes us individuals? You wrote you do everything in the house. Why? What did his house look like before you moved in? I’m going to guess an organized mess but you chose to ignore it coz he was a single guy? You say he hardly hugs you? Why does it matter who initiates a hug? Why does he fly off the handle? What does he throw in your face? Btw, a lot of people don’t like when their SO cries…it can feel manipulative. You say you are reading a lot about add/adhd. What are you reading? It’s important to understand it’s an executive functioning issue. Think of it like this…a company has many different jobs/positions and with those comes a lot of information. But in order for the company to run well there needs to be a CEO in charge. The add brain has all the information, but lacks the ceo to make it a well run system. Through trial and error I learned to have a loving relationship with my SO. It’s been work, but I decided a while ago what was important and what wasn’t. I continue to stress that we are a team, not you vs me. I do not nag, complain or push. If I want or need something I ask. I do not judge. My SO has changed a lot in our time together. We make agreements so needs continued to be met. For example after intimacy, he agreed to not roll over or leave the bed for 10 mins… Or while we go for a walk, he agreed to not take his phone….and if he forgets, I can say in a jovial way “honey, remember, we have an agreement that…..”. . It works for us. Before the agreement it was me whining “why can’t you just stay and cuddle? Why do you just get up right after? Why can’t you walk without your phone? What is more important on you phone than me when we are walking?” He would always get defensive with me “attacking” his behavior/choices. It’s once I learned that there was no ceo in charge telling him to stay in bed, keep the phone at home and therefore causing him mental anguish. We have many agreements and for us they work. 8/10x he remembers, but when he doesn’t, a gentle touch on the hand and reminding him of the agreement is all it takes. Hope this in some way is helpful.

    • #174551
      Penny Williams
      Keymaster

      Here are some resources on ADHD relationships:

      10 Ways to Save Your Relationship

      “I Don’t Feel Loved Anymore”

      Penny
      ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Coach, Podcaster & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

      • #174567
        AdeleS546
        Participant

        I believe ERROR

        • This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by AdeleS546.
      • #174572
        AdeleS546
        Participant

        I believe what the original poster was referring to when she said that he was ” a bit much”, she was referring to the unique experience between someone without ADHD in a first-time relationship with someone who has ADHD. She was referring to the hyper-focus phase of the relationship, in which the man declares his undying love for you even though he’s only known you for a few weeks or months. My fiance did the same thing to me.

        I believe the struggle is the fact that they moved in together and she’s only known him seven months. 7 months is not long enough for the hyper-focus phase to wear off and it does wear off. Living together and the realities of life would cause that hyper-focus to wane sooner.

        One thing is for sure. She is going to get burned out trying to keep all the balls in the air. Trying to take care of his children as well as her own and keep the house clean is much too much for one person especially if she is working full-time.


        @kelbluebird

        Don’t apologize for having feelings or expressing them. It sounds like you are overwhelmed. Knowing that you gave up living where you were living to move in with him is also a lot.
        My fiance and I have been together for five years. We had to work out a lot in the beginning due to misunderstandings due to his ADHD. He would blurt things out and make inappropriate comments and there was a number of things that came up that were related to the ADHD affect. For instance, he doesn’t pick up on nonverbal cues very well. I have to spell things out for him.

        We do not live together because I have a teenage daughter and we live in different towns. After she graduates next year, I will move in with him. I know that will be a big adjustment. I know that many people with ADHD, my fiance included do not do well with change. He does well in his own environment where things are set up. For him there is comfort in routine. He almost flipped out when he moved from his apartment to his house two years ago because he didn’t know where anything was and it took him awhile to set everything up. I ran out to the store and bought him a stack of Notepads for him to keep his lists, because he couldn’t find the box where his notepads were…lol.

        • This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by AdeleS546.
    • #174552
      kelbluebird
      Participant

      Thank u so much for replying, what i mean by a bit much is that he was over the top wanting to be with me all the time constantly txting saying how amazing i was and after being single for so long i had built a wqll up, ive had bad bad relationships been messed about by guys ive literally been homeless and now work and study so i had a a busy life plus fighting for my son back.. that I eventually got. His house was a mess it was bare and dirty but i added a girls touch and he loved it, im different to his ex he wasnt allowed to do anything but im more chilled he can go out with mates or have a beer as i do the same. Im a bit older aswell and a lot wiser as i have had to be. I moved in more so because of coronavirus he nagged me to move in. Dont get me wrong im a moody girl on times im not perfect. Ive been reading up on adhd how it affects people and relationships. I literally do the cooking washing housework etc i work from home at the moment in my breaks and lunch i sort the kids he works aswell and i try to make things easier for him. The red flags have been since what happened with the ex he disappeared for the day to sort his head out and things just havent been right: i want us to work as when things are gd they r amazing and he can be the kindest man. Most importantly he gets on with my son thats massive to me. Sorry if this is a bit jumbled.

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