January 11, 2018 at 11:42 am #73252
Hi I have a 14 year old daughter who is a freshman in high school with ADHD and ODD. I allowed her to get an Instagram account with one condition which is i will be able to follow her and monitor what she’s doing. She has now mastered how to open multiple accounts so i can’t see what she is saying and her mouth is so reckless to the point i’m so embarrassed and she tells me that’s how teens talk. I don’t know who she is anymore the more i talk to her the more she says more inappropriate her mouth is and she doesn’t care. I am going to take her phone from her because i don’t know what else to do i’ve had numerous sit downs with her and she keeps saying she is going to stop and she just keeps lying about everything. Her grades are not that great, she very unorganized with everything and she always has missing homework then tells me she did it. Her baseline is she’s very immature for her age, poor impulse control and is very crafty with her lies and sneaky and steals from people. I’m afraid she is going to get taken advantage of and worry about sex and drugs. I’ve done everything i can possibly think of she has been in therapy for 4 years and i work two jobs to make ends meet and beyond burnt out. I feel like a failure and i feel like giving up but i know that’s not the answer but nobody understands what i deal with because they are not in my situation. I also worry about parents not wanting their daughters to hang with her because of her mouth. I already had one parent mention to me about her on social media and i was beyond embarrassed. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated
January 11, 2018 at 12:00 pm #73254
I agree that you should take her phone away immediately. Don’t take it in a punitive way. Take it saying that you have no choice. She knows why so no further explanation is necessary. She will lash out at you but stick to your guns. My other thought while reading your post is that you have to spend as much one on one quality time with her as you possibly can. I hear that you have to work a lot for financial reasons but I think a lot of add kids, like yours, are at risk as they enter adolescence. The only antidote from my point of view is positive parental involvement..” it’s extremely Easy to be negative with add kids but you need to find the positive wherever you can. I know there are a lot of good books out there but one that I can recommend is the kazdin method. The emphasis is on positive reinforcement, overlooking as much negative nbehavior as you can (within reason) and being very consistent. It’s critical that you deliver consequences in a dispassionate calm sort of way. And let her know as often as possible, no matter what she shouts at you in response, that you are on her side, even when giving consequences she doesn’t like. Pardon the typos as I am typing on my phone. Best of luck to you!
January 11, 2018 at 12:14 pm #73255
Hang in there seems less than sufficient, but HANG IN THERE! You’re not alone! Phones, social media, unlimited access to the internet … it’s a whole new world. I also gave my son a phone thinking he was a good kid so I didn’t restrict it. And he is a good kid. I picked up his phone one day to look up a recipe because mine wasn’t handy and I pulled up his browser, and BAM – my world came crashing down.
There are programs you can put on the phone to monitor everything, even those hidden accounts. After we had a talk about accessing inappropriate content with my son and that behavior continued, we put one of those monitoring apps on his phone. He has slowly earned more freedom with his phone. But if grades slip, or behavior slips – the phone goes away. The phone is also not allowed in his room at night. Once it’s bedtime, the phone is in the kitchen or with me. The monitoring programs where also helpful because he could keep his phone to call me but I could block access to the internet and all apps. Since I work that made me feel more confident that he could still call me if he needed me while I was at work.
You’re not a failure. You’re working your tail off, and it’s not easy raising a teenager. No teenager is perfect. Any Mom who thinks their teenager is a perfect saint is kidding themselves. Keep at it.
January 11, 2018 at 12:26 pm #73263
Thank you for your response i have the family base app from Verizon that controls her social media yet she still manages to find a way to remove it from her phone i called Verizon back to let them know but they weren’t very helpful. What app are you using? I monitor everything she has which has now caused me burnout and i don’t feel like therapy has been successful and they know how i feel but i’ve been bringing her for two reasons 1 in order for her to get her meds filled she has to meet with clinician by weekly and psychiatrist once a month now i’m thinking about adding fish oil to her medications
January 11, 2018 at 1:21 pm #73298
We used PhoneSheriff. There are many teen monitoring apps available. But I will tell you, once I installed it on his phone, I did tell him it was there but did not tell him all of the features. I immediately saw his friends texting him ways that he could remove it. He tried several. Their ways did not work. When I saw those text messages come through, I casually told him that if I saw that the app was removed, the phone would be gone permanently.
If access to the apps and internet is not a good idea right now, but she does need a phone to get a hold of you, maybe you could get her a flip phone or something similar that has zero ability to access the internet? My kids have had to tell their friends more than once they were grounded from their phones – and they’ve heard that from their friends more than once too.
January 11, 2018 at 12:16 pm #73256
Thank you for responding and i appreciate the feedback but when i want to spend quality time with her like watching a movie or doing something with me she says no all she wants to do is stay in her room and face time her friends and be on social media. I’ve gone as far as getting a family base plan through my phone carrier to monitor and shut off internet access during the school day and she still finds a way to get back on and even open a snap-chat account so many times I’ve lost count. I feel like her friends are laughing at her not with her because she wants to be the class clown but what friend would allow their friend to look bad and my daughters reply to a video she posted to a kid saying “she’s not a snitch call me a thot again and i swear to god your dad is gonna be in my bed” which my last straw
January 12, 2018 at 2:19 pm #73491
I had the same experience as Pump2Duncan – thought I didn’t need to worry about parental controls and learned that I very much did by being shocked at what my son was looking at on his phone and tablet.
A couple months ago we installed http://www.mobicip.com/ on his phone and iPad, in addition to setting the apple user restrictions. If you delete all browsers and don’t allow installing new apps, it makes a monumental difference. Of course, the password has to be something wild that they’d never figure out.
While I agree that consequences are often in order for breaking the rules, consequences rarely change the behavior when it comes to kids with ADHD. Instead, we need to teach internet safety. Of course, that’s easier said than done, especially when you have a teen with a developmental delay that keeps them immature for their age.
I would sit down and write up a contract: If she follows rules, X, Y, and Z, then you will provide her phone. When those rules are broken, you don’t provide her a phone. And, be sure not to use the phrase “catch you,” because our kids are literal. “You cannot do it,” not, “I better not catch you doing it.” 😉
ADDitude Community Moderator, Author & Mentor on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism
January 12, 2018 at 2:47 pm #73502
Wow thank you so much for your feedback. We have done contracts in the past and it’s still on the refrigerator so i will definitely revise it since i have now taken the phone away and made her shut down her Instagram account and say we’re starting from a clean slate going forward
Again thanks so much
January 17, 2018 at 11:17 am #73866
Sorry that I’m just replying to your reply! I’m the one who suggested getting rid of her phone and all access to social media. I know it’s a radical idea in this day and age but that’s what I would do. As for her unwillingness to spend time with you, that would change once her social media world shrinks. If she’s still reluctant to spend time with you, suggest she have a friend over and the 3 of you do something together. Or get her out into nature (easier said than done but a good antidote to the negative effects of too much computer time). Maybe you and she could cook together? go away for the weekend together? Enjoy reading the same book together? You may need to get creative. But I stand by my suggestion to get rid of all phones and computers in her life! It doesn’t seem like any good is coming from that!
January 12, 2018 at 2:50 pm #73504
This was very helpful to be able to talk to people who are experiencing the same problem as me. It’s hard for me to talk to my friends about my problems with my daughter because their solutions even though they mean well doesn’t work well for my daughter.
Thank you all so much!
January 17, 2018 at 8:27 pm #73954
Thanks so much for your feedback i will definitely look to doing these things
January 13, 2018 at 7:41 pm #73626
I FEEL YOUR PAIN SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have a 14 year old son with ADHD and ODD as well… I can’t even begin to write about all our experiences… just know my journey into this started when he was 2.5. The problem is now that he is nearly 6ft tall and 220lbs.. I can hear him now yelling at the others on xbox live. He takes vyvanse, guafanicine sp? and latuda… and he still has extreme outbursts and pushes every limit he can… I have seen him rip an adult to shreds with his quick mind and sharp tongue.. He’s laughed at DR’s stating this isn’t his first rodeo… but on the flip side he has a heart of gold, and can be so loving and charming and funny, but as soon as he doesn’t get his way I am stupid, a bitch, and every other hurtful curse word you can think of….. usually after a “fit” he will fall dead asleep. I am seriously trying to research the effects of canaboids for his extreme aggression… I’ve never known another parent who has experienced what I have to handle on a daily basis….
Most family and friends just shake their heads and say… damn.. I don’t know how you do it……… they pretty much stopped trying to give me advice years ago. LOL…. anyway… just know you are NOT alone..
January 16, 2018 at 8:16 pm #73816
I’m so sorry your going through this does he play any sports to get all the energy out? I wish life coaches were paid for with insurance I feel like that would be a big help. I know they say we have keep trying different meds until we find one that fits and also feel like the older they get the meds don’t seem to work what about supplements that’s my next trial thank you for sharing your story
March 29, 2018 at 7:39 am #80315
First time on this site. Wow! I’ve learned so much just from this post. Thank you.
My son is 13 yrs. old with ADD and a physical disability. He’s on meds and goes to counseling regularly. Unfortunately, the ADD adds to the difficulty making friends. Right now, we’re dealing with social media and the phone usage. I was totally against a smart phone. My family and husband insisted my son have one to “feel like belonging” and “connecting to friends”. Well, he’s had it for less than a year and we’ve had to take it away several times for making multiple social media accounts, bad grades, and plain addictive behavior with the phone. Dear Husband (DH) swore that he’ll supervise our son’s (DS) Instagram just so that DS could feel included with his friends. Yeah, husband just figured out DMs (direct messaging) and DH was horrified at what he found my son was doing. Nothing rated R, just highly embarrassing behavior. Harassing kids to follow him, repeating questions to friends over an over, etc. It’s almost to the point of stalking just to try to make friends on social media.
When we asked our son about this, he just broke down and started screaming at us. He said he didn’t have friends, but back tracked and said maybe only 4-6. Lying is a reflex for him. We’ve told him that the lying, inability to regulate what he does, etc. adds to the difficulty of making friends. Big fish stories are a thing for him. He just can’t stop telling these stories that are complete lies. We know it’s used as a facade to try to cover the ADD and physical disability. It’s just heartbreaking to see him struggle so much.
At this point, he’s had all his electronics taken away from him. We know we’ll have to give him a phone for safety, but DH and I are debating about a dumb phone (just SMS, no internet) or back to the smart phone. DH says the dumb phone won’t prevent our son from SMSing kids inappropriately.
January 15, 2018 at 11:05 am #73418
I agree that handling things in a matter of fact way with her (calmly taking her phone without engaging in a discussion) is best so you don’t get sucked into the drama and let her push your buttons. She is going to likely be “game on” when you take her phone, and might come home with a new one tomorrow. All you can do is keep taking them. Keep telling her that when you see she’s ready, you will allow her access to the internet. Keep trying to show her that even if you don’t like her actions, you still love her.
I know how hard all of this is but forever it’s worth, I do think you are doing the right thing relative to her phone and access to the internet right now because she has clearly shown you that she is not emotionally ready for that kind of freedom–she’s 14 chronologically, but due to the ADHD, she’s certainly not a typical 14 year old emotionally; most of us wouldn’t give an 11 year old access to instagram, right? She’s shown you she’s not ready to handle it either.)
In terms of her behavior and attitude in general, I know you’re worried and are scared to death that she’s heading down a very slippery, dangerous slope but all you can really do is take each moment as it comes and make the best decisions you can in those moments in terms of your parenting, and the most important thing of all: take care of yourself emotionally in the meantime.
The bottom line is that you really have no control over what she does or how she acts and you will go crazy trying to police her entire life (not to mention how resentful you will both become toward each other). For as hard as all of this is, the unfortunate reality is that the best teacher for her in life is going to be the natural consequences of her behavior. You can tell her all day long, “If you do x, y will happen,” and she’s not going to think any of it is a problem or understand the importance of changing her behavior until she sees for herself, like when one of them says, “I don’t want to hang out with you anymore because all you do is hurt my feelings,” or whatever. In the meantime, all you can really do is keep her safe in terms of setting emotional-age-appropriate limits and boundaries. And, find ways to stay calm and sane yourself in the midst of all of this chaos (getting help and support for this if you need it.)
You mentioned she’s in counseling. Is her counselor aware of all of this type of behavior? Does she has a good rapport with her counselor? I have found in these types of situations that the more non-parent adult help/support/perspective a teen can get, the better (even if they tell her the same things you do, she’s likely to be more open to listen if it comes from someone else.) As the saying goes, “it takes a village” so the more interaction she can have with level-headed loving influences, the better (adult relatives, the respected mom of a friend, a trusted teacher, her school counselor, etc.) These members of her “village” can all be valuable members of your ‘parenting team’. Also, you didn’t mention if she’s on medication. It might be a good time to get a medical doctor or psychiatrist on your team so you can make sure that those bases are covered and she’s getting the help she needs that way.
Hope this helps! Hang in there!
Joyce Mabe, Parenting Coach, School Counselor, mom of adult son with ADHD, author. Website http://www.parentcoachjoyce.com
January 16, 2018 at 8:34 pm #73817
Thank you for your response she has been in therapy since 2014 when she was first diagnosed we have tried many medication such as Quillivant XR (horrible experience) Guanfacine (her first) and Daytrona Patch and Concerta we are now taking Metadate CD. She is kind of over therapy and honestly it’s not really benefiting her at all she shuts down and doesn’t talk she’s never shared her feelings with anyone she only feels comfortable talking to me and that’s another reason I’m so burnt out but in order for her to continue to receive medication management she has to continue to see the social worker by-weekly and psychiatrist monthly I even thought about applying for social security to help me be able to get some financial help for her. She had her triennial evaluation in May and she does not look well on paper her IQ score was 72 which makes me sad but I asked for a second opinion but there’s that piece me that understand where her baseline is and why she acts the way she does. I want her to do some research on this website about understanding how her ADHD and ODD affects her
January 17, 2018 at 12:28 pm #73881
The list of medications your daughter has tried really struck me — they are all methylphenidates. There are two types of stimulants for ADHD: methylphenidates (Ritalin, Concerta, Metadate, Daytrana, Quillivant, etc) and amphetamines (Vyvanse, Adderall, Evekeo…).
Most people do well on one type or the other, but not both. That would suggest, with your doctor’s input and advice, of course, that she try an amphetamine, as she is likely to do better with that type.
More details on that here:
ADHD Coaching may be more effective for your daughter, given she’s a teenager. Coaches focus more on tailoring strategies and creating and achieving personal goals, all given the fact that the client has ADHD.
There’s also a great website for teens with ADHD, created by a (then) teen with ADHD: http://addyteen.com. See if she’s interested in checking it out.
ADDitude Community Moderator, Author & Mentor on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism
April 2, 2018 at 11:25 am #80397
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