I'm just realizing: my husband is a mess!

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    • #112070

      My husband as I have been further for 10 years now and living together for 8 of them. He just got diagnosed with ADD 6 months ago, shortly after his niece was diagnosed. I can’t believe it took me so long to realize how much of a mess he is!

      He’s been meaning to make a doctor’s appointment for 13 months now. 6 months ago he had some warts pop up and needs to get them looked at so I switched to using the guest bathroom (in case his warts were contagious). I realized I LOVED having my own space so I gave him the master bath and re-painted the guest bath in the way I wanted. It seems he hasn’t cleaned the toilet since (6 months) because there are a couple colors growing in the toilet bowl.

      Just this week I suddenly realized: What if I’m ever unable to make my own doctor’s appointments (and therefore need them)?! Will I suffer for 13+ months until he gets around to it? What about or dogs if I pass away? What about our house?

      Then I remembered when we moved in together he had a cat that was rapidly losing weight and he was meaning to take her to the vet….she died 5 months later (before he got the chance to take her in).

      I know he LOVED his cat. I know he loves me. I know he loves our house and our dogs. But he’s unable to take care of any of us! So what do I do? Get a medical proxy? Get some kind of power-of-attorney so someone will look after me, the dogs, and the house if, heaven forbid, I’m no longer able to do it all?

    • #112312
      Penny Williams

      Is he getting any treatment for his ADHD? If not, that could help immensely. If he is, it sounds like it’s not working quite as well as it should and he needs to speak to the prescribing doctor about that.

      It takes more than medication though. Having a reason for his disorganization doesn’t change it. He needs to create strategies and coping mechanisms that help him do better with those things. And, I just have to add, he may have never had to keep a toilet clean on his own before, so it just slides right under his radar. 😉

      Beyond that, do what gives you peace of mind. If that’s putting some legal mechanisms in place, then do that.

      ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Trainer & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

    • #112323

      ADHDmomma – I can’t thank you enough for your reply! It came at a perfect time!

      I casually talked to my husband about the medical power of attorney idea and I’m shocked to say he was ANGRY! He says I implied he’s incompetent. I can’t help thinking, “maybe I inadvertently implied that he’s incompetent, but…isn’t he kinda acting like he is?” It took him 4 months of “meaning to” look at my car tires (just “put his eyes on” them – before he got the chance I took it to the shop, despite his reservations about them ripping me off, because I got sick of filling up empty tires on my way to/from work every week) and 6 YEARS to unpack his office: it seems to me that based my experiences it’s not a stretch for me to be concerned about him caring for my medical needs! (Nevermind my neglected relationship needs)
      He recently said that his problem with being married is that he’s accustomed to his chaos and is annoying that I won’t learn to tolerate it. I sent him an article on “different tolerances for chaos” in ADHD marriage, but I don’t know whether he glanced at it.

      He’s taking ginseng while he’s at work and I notice a huge difference when he’s on it, but I know he didn’t take it this morning (I’m not sure if he’s been neglecting to take it regularly – I wasn’t paying attention before this morning). He’s very wary of prescription medications, which is baffling to me since he’s tried illicit substances. Our ADHD coach/counselor is giving him behavioral techniques when he shows openness to them. Our niece has been trying medications for her ADHD for a year now and is yet to find one that fits so I’m not really hopeful that we’ll be able to find one.

      Which is another thing – my sister-in-law and I both think my mother-in-law has ADHD. Her household is chaos (she’s a bit of a hoarder). I’m sure growing up in that gave him a different idea of what’s “normal”/healthy/sanitary.

      I keep thinking of the quote that goes something like, “anyone who is angered by your boundaries was benefiting from you having none,” and the idea of a medical power of attorney is a relief to me. I’m looking forward to hearing what our counselor thinks about the whole thing when we see him this evening.

      But I keep having nightmares about our dogs being hurt/sick and my husband being completely unaware of it and unconcerned about it. In my real, waking life I watch them try to get his attention multiple times every day while he’s hyperfocused on his computer games or his phone and it breaks my heart when they give-up and walk away. I hate to think they might feel as neglected as I do! But I can’t stand the thought of them being medically neglected if something happens to me! How can I even logistically address that concern?! Could I put something in my will?

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