I’m about to leave.

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    • #126870
      h22k22-female
      Participant

      I won’t run out on my family overnight but I’m planning the break up.
      My son is 4 and he starts school next week so I’m sensitive to his needs.
      But I don’t want to break my family up, I want it to work.
      Hence this reach out…
      He hates me. I catch him look at me sometimes and I see disgust on his face.
      He does nothing for us, doesn’t want to be here. He misses my birthday, Mother’s Day, sports day, Christmas dinner, his mother birthday, his son’s pick up time.
      There’s never any regret or apology.
      He watches me do chores and fights me if I suggest he should help.
      Our sex life is pathetic.
      Physically we never tough each other, unless he pushes past me in a door way or pushes in front of me to get out of the room.
      I am the responsible adult and he is the wayward kid.
      He never pays his way.
      He doesn’t speak, or listen. He is in a constant zone out.
      He resents any success I have and shows bitterness towards me.
      I hide positive news from him.
      I paid for a holiday for us and he was to pay me back when his money came through. His money came through and he bought a new truck, didn’t pay me and fought me when I asked what was going on.
      He never takes advice, we’ve had bailiffs here for him multiple times this summer and he never takes it seriously. He takes from me constantly as if it his entitlement.
      I spent the summer on a mission to train him to kiss our son and I hello and goodbye. I’ve failed.
      Since the baby was born he has never said I love you.

      He wrote his vehicle off so I leant him one. He wrote that off. I paid the £250 excess and replaced it. There was a shortfall in my insurance pay out so I lost £3000. He never said sorry.
      I gave him construction work when he had none and he caused a fire. I paid out £18,000 in solicitors fees and lost £54,000 in revenue because of it. So I made a claim on his insurance.
      Now he hates me, he really really despises my every move.

      He wears sports clothes constantly even when I arrange something nice.
      I’ve checked his phone before and the way he slags me off to friends and family is heartbreaking.

      I put our son in full time childcare from an early age so I could cover the bills and mortgage. Every penny I make he is jealous of. Every time I pay for something for us he makes a negative remark.

      He says I try to control him.
      Why doesn’t he leave? Why the hell does he stay here walking around in his own world not noticing anything or anyone?
      I’ve tried talking to him but he can’t communicate at all.
      I see no other option but to split up.
      But when I sit down with our child and look into his eyes I can’t do it.
      I know he wants me to end it, then everything he’s ever said about me will be true.
      If he engaged more I’d hate him back, but he’s just an inconvenience taking up space.
      He offers and contributes nothing to our lives. Nothing at all.

    • #131202
      fedup
      Participant

      Hi there, I don’t know if anyone else has responded.
      I have been married to this kind of situation for over 30 years. I ended up having 5 children and a nervous breakdown.
      If He is not willing to work on anything at all, I’m sorry to say that I would suggest you leave. It only gets worse.
      See my post under Fed Up! from 10/13/19

      I encourage you to find a way.

    • #131205
      Dizzy
      Participant

      …I see no other option but to split up.
      But when I sit down with our child and look into his eyes I can’t do it.
      I know he wants me to end it, then everything he’s ever said about me will be true.
      If he engaged more I’d hate him back, but he’s just an inconvenience taking up space.
      He offers and contributes nothing to our lives. Nothing at all.

      Based on your post, I’d have been gone a long time ago.

      Hopefully, you’ve found some place to go that is safe for you
      and your son.

    • #134656
      h22k22-female
      Participant

      Thank guys, I’ve just tried again to talk to him calmly.
      He just stares past me and zones out.
      I say, -please talk to me. Tell me what will make you happy.
      He just stares. Then the tiniest distant noise will make him flinch and snap out of it and he will walk off without even noticing me.
      I don’t think he hears my voice, he’s mastered blocking me out.

      His mess in the house, the garden and the van is enough without the rest of this.
      I think I’m going to have an affair.
      See if the grass is greener.

    • #134663
      mariah2013
      Participant

      Dear,
      Please don’t have an affair. You’re in pain and exhausted and it might feel like any change would be a good change, but you will end up hurting your inner self. You will lose the dignity and become bitter over this harsh, at times cynical world. You are a obviously a good person and have been so giving with your husband, but be kind to yourself too. We all say communication or couples’ therapy could help, but not everyone has the means or time for that. And communication related problems cannot be solved with verbal communication. That’s why those problems exist in the first place. It’s like catch 22. Just leave your husband some space and try doing your own things for a while. I know you feel tired, but if you haven’t left him so far, means you believe deep inside there is still hope and want to make it work. You have 2 options: either leave and start a new life or keep being patient and try to understand why he’s close up. That is a lot of work and will take many trials and errors to find what will make him like he can be a better more reliable partner. I struggle a lot with insecurities and anxiety and feeling that despite my efforts to be a good person people just don’t see it and is never enough. And that makes me feel even more upset and closed up with the world around me. But I’m lucky to be married to a good man who is not afraid to be honest with me when I’m wrong and just help me understand it’s on me to do the work and take responsibility for my own happiness. If you want to keep your marriage, you could try doing that too. Don’t expect him to answer back. Just open up to him and tell him how you feel. Tell him you both are not alone in this and you love him but need his help to make this work. Open up to him and give small encouragement every day. Make a rule to only give one negative feedback over every five positive ones every day and he will grow to be confident again and love himself and everyone around him more. Also do something nice for yourself every day and remind yourself you are one of a kind for being such a strong, generous person.

      Hope whatever you decide to do will make your inner self proud and happy.

      Ps. I’m typing from my phone and the interface is not very friendly so sorry for the typos.

    • #134666
      h22k22-female
      Participant

      Hi, I know you are right.
      It makes a lot of sense.
      I just feel so alone.
      Nothing I do makes a difference, I can’t influence, persuade or encourage him in any way.
      For example- he had this huge dog when our son was born. He never once cleared the dog mess. It would build up for weeks and stink, I’d beg him to clean up and he got so angry and withdrew from me. I felt like a nagging old hag so I stopped and ignored it. Life was easier but the situation worsened. We got infested with rats.
      They came into the house, I’d sit by my sons cot in the nights scared to leave incase they came into his room. I could hear them in the roof space.
      His dog died a year later and the rats left after that.
      There are many stories like this.
      We don’t have any friends anymore and we live in the same house but don’t interact.
      Life is quiet and easy if I can hold myself together but the days I need a friend or companionship- they are the toughest.
      What yoU suggested about building a good life for myself is what i do. I take my son out to dinner, we go to the park and try to walk a mile every day. We go shopping. We go on road trips and days out. I spend every last penny doing things with him.
      I can live like this, I’m sure many people do. From the outside you’d never know. Other than you never get invited over.
      My Son says to me, how come Dad doesn’t speak to us Mum? Then he says are you going to shout at him to talk again tonight?
      I’m looking like the bad guy because I’m verbal and frustrated and loud.
      He wouldn’t notice if I had an affair, probably be his way out.

      I wonder sometimes, why doesn’t he leave? I know he hates me. Our son is his ball and chain and so is this house.

    • #134679
      mariah2013
      Participant

      This is such a heartbreaking story and I’m sorry you go through this. I don’t know all the aspects of your relationship and am unable to give you an informed advice 🙁 But it sounds like you need comfort and support yourself and you deserve to be loved and treated with respect. Maybe indeed it’s time to think other options. I am very grateful for my parents divorce as I felt they were never meant to be. Maybe your son will feel the same one day. Whatever you decide to do, make sure it is something you feel is right for you on a long term.
      Warm hugs.

    • #134680
      mariah2013
      Participant

      And wow! It is great that you manage to do all those things with your son! You’re such a great mom! I need to do more of those things myself as I feel they do help me with my mood…

      • #134776
        h22k22-female
        Participant

        To be honest the little one is the reason we are still together so I think I need to make the most of him and enjoy it! I couldn’t bear to be without him every other weekend or however it would end up.
        Thank you for your kind words, you seem grounded and sincere. X

      • #134842
        mariah2013
        Participant

        You’re very welcome dear. I’m happy you have such a strong bond with your son!
        For your own well-being, try to find someone you could trust, to talk from time to time. And if that’s not an option, try answering some other questions over here. For some reason, reading about other people’s stories and trying to understand their perspectives is therapeutic in understanding your own self.

    • #137034
      AdeleS546
      Participant

      H22K22:

      Don’t blame yourself for what is happening with him. What you are going through is beyond difficult, but you need to think of your child’s future as well as your own.

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