I need an advice

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    • #110211

      I’ve been in a relationship for two years. I recently realized I probably have ADHD probably since early childhood.
      My symptoms are not drastic but I feel they are worsening my relationship and this is the first time I actually got myself to think about it and to seek treatment but it’s been going sporadically since I keep forgetting about it and because my lousy medical system.

      But the advice I am interested in, since I noticed people here tend to have a lot of experience in this field and in this section I noticed people talking about their spouses and I started to identify in these spouses they are talking about fearing the worst at this point.

      My girlfriend is unsatisfied, she’s the only one who keeps bringing that subject to the table and she feels, reasonably, that she’s the only one who sees the problem.
      The things are escalating to the point where I feel inept to be in the relationship and I’m feeling more and more like I’m not going to be able to offer her what she wants.
      I am always there for her, I am constantly at her disposal pretty much. She appreciates that. But I will never be the one who iniciates anything, I keep forgetting to plan annivercaries two years in the row, It happened more than once that I wore her clothes by accident (she’s much taller than me and we’re talking about sweaters) but it bothers her a lot. I keep forgetting what she tells me, especially when it comes to planing.
      I can’t plan ahead, I never organize our evenings, I never bring up problems, I can never read the situation and do the thing she wants.
      When we’re out with her friends I can’t notice if someone is speaking to me and that really bothers her a lot. I can hold a conversation but I have trouble functioning in the large enviorment capacity.

      The problem is I don’t really see a problem with her that I can address to that extent and even when I do I forget it.
      Also the part of the problem is, when we started dating both of us were in college. And we were friend a year prior to that so that’s circa 2 years of relatively laid back way of living. We both had exams to pass and we spent a lot of time enjoying ourselves.
      She didn’t finish the college but she found a job.
      I finished college and enrolled in a masters program but was unable to find a job.
      I finished my masters degree but I had no luck in the job department ending up being underemployed. I worked at a warehouse where they told me I was really slow and that I wasn’t paying attention and that it comes off really bad for me (I was unable to memorize the products).
      I told her that and she was… something in the line of “If you’re not good enough to work at a warehouse I don’t know what to say to you”
      She enrolled in another university where she has classes she needs to take which left even less time for us.
      To me the biggest difference is. When I was always around there wasn’t really that much of a need to make plans and when we got to this point she was getting more and more frustrated by each day.
      During this period I was living at her place but it basically just happened. I have my own apartment. She was upset that I was always there and she never really had time for herself because she was either at work where she’s always around people or she’s at home where I’m always there not doing anything pretty much. I moved out but more becaouse of a necessity, her mother moved in with her and she has one bedroom apartment.
      At one point we started having sex more and more sparsely, largely becaouse I find it difficult to initiate it. It got better at a certain point but it was still difficult. On top of that I keep having random thought during sex which sometimes leads to me losing an erection.
      My planning skills didn’t improve but I was able to find a better job where I was doing something I think I was good at (data entry) but at one point they just stopped contacting me for work.
      Leaving less and less time for us and the fact that I never initiate our get togethers it reached a point when she’s the only one who nags (her words) and have issues and I seem like I don’t have a problem at all with any of this.

      I found a job recently but it will only last for two months. I was in a training in another city for an entire week and when I came back home I didn’t plan to see her, thinking we’ll see each other tomorrow, but she told me she was going to uni and to work afterwards and pretty much the same thing the next day.

      She started to rant and it keeps getting back to the same issues over and over again. I honestly feel more and more inept each day.
      She says she doesn’t see any happiness in this relationship and that she’s tired of waiting for something to change.

      I Keep waiting for my insurance to kick in to be able to treat myseld but because of this work I will be kicked off the insurance before I’ll be able to get anything done (very wierd I got a job in a government project and I won’t be able to have insurance because I can only hav insurance as unemployed).

      I spoke to some girl who’s a psychologist about ADHD and she told me that what I have is probably not seveere enough to be constituted as ADHD.

      Is there any advice for the communication or some ways to change this? I don’t know how to formulate this and I don’t know if my case is severe enough I know a lot of people here are going through much worse stuff than I am and I don’t want to disrespect anyone.

    • #110292
      Penny Williams

      What if you try alternative treatments until you can get a formal evaluation for ADHD? There are many things you can try to see if they help.


      Diet changes are inexpensive and easy to try, as well as supplements.

      ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Trainer & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

    • #110338

      Wow, thank you so much for sharing your story! That must have been hard and maybe somewhat of a relief at the same time. At the age of 34 I was diagnosed with ADHD, and I am not a psychologist, but your story rely aligns with my own! Man, I really commiserate with you. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t understand or even won’t take the time to understand ADHD and how it can be so dang hard, I think is harder than actually living with the ADHD. It took my husband a while to come to terms that I have it, but he finally took the initiative to self-educate and it made a world of a difference. I’m so sorry that it has been so hard for you. Just like you, I am terrible at planning, staying at a job (because I get bored of it easily), and have a hard time initiating things. I’m also a runner–always have been. Running from jobs, moving from place to place quite often because I get restless, running from people in my life because I feel as if I am constantly letting them down…ADHD is really really hard and just because a “medical professional” says you don’t have it does not mean you don’t. I once had a therapist, when I asked her if I could possibly have a test for Asperger’s, looked me in the eye and laughed. Rejection is horrible and it can scar a person, especially for people with ADHD. I really just want to encourage you to keep educating yourself about ADHD; there are so many positive attributes we have that are easily covered up by the negatives we see in ourselves through others’ eyes. And keep reaching out, push past the rejection as much as you can and seek people who DO understand what ADHD is and who DO want to learn more about it! Thanks again for sharing your story; it was a very courageous thing to do that YOU initiated!

      • #110347

        Thanks for the support.

        To be honest I don’t see it as her not wanting to understand. She stuck around for 2 years in a relationship that’s really straining and I can only imagine how difficult it is for her. I told her I want to get tested and she supports me.

        To be honest this is the first relationship I was in, not counting hookups and stuff that lasts for few weeks or months.
        It’s been really hard getting anywhere. I get close to a girl then I lose a phone and I can’t contact her. A lot of mishaps like that happened and a lot of stuff that were happening to me throughout my childhood, adolescence and adulthood really seemed like funny anectodes until I started to think more about it.

        The person I talked to is an acquaintance of mine and to be honest in the environment we met I was really focused and well adapted so I get why it seemed odd to her that I’m thinking in that direction, but yes the proffessionals tend to overlook this kind of stuff. I went to the psychologist when I was in a university because of anxiety and depression and I wanted to talk about this problem unbeknowns to me at the time that it was ADHD perhaps. I told her I can’t function properly, have hard time remembering, keeping focus, handling certain stuff and she wrote it off as lazyness and being spoiled.

        To be honest I got a lot of support when I came out to people and a friend of mine that’s mostly annoyed by people self diagnosing themselves with depression and stuff in that category expressed that it really makes sense.

        Thanks for the kind words when I wrote all of the stuff I thought it might come off as egocentric or something. Talking this much about myself. Thank you also for sharing your experience. It feels reassuring knowing I’m not alone.

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